Month: November 2012

Your Attachment Style

Today if you want to participate in this test, you’ll have to go to the blog to do it. Facebook would not allow for a graph to be inserted here where I would need to place 3 columns with pertinent boxes showing you which boxes to check if you satisfy the category. This test is wonderful to show you who you are in relationship. Finding out who you are is the first step to finding a fulfilling and loving relationship. So, I encourage you to take the test and see the results on my blog link below. Here are some samples of statements you will find:

 

Finding Your Attachment Style

(First published in 1998 by Kelly Brennan, Catherine Clark and Phillip Shaver, later revised by Niels Waller and Kelly Brennan)

 

  True  
  A B C
I often worry that my partner will stop loving me. O    
I find it easy to be affectionate with my partner.   O  
I fear that once someone gets to know the real me, s/he won’t like who I am. O    
I find that I bounce back quickly after a breakup. It’s weird how I can just put someone out of my mind.     O
When I’m not involved in a relationship, I feel somewhat anxious and incomplete. O    
I find it difficult to emotionally support my partner when s/he is feeling down.     O
When my partner is away, I’m afraid that s/he might become interested in someone else. O    
I feel comfortable depending on romantic partners.   O  
My independence is more important to me than my relationships.     O
I prefer not to share my innermost feelings with my partner.     O
When I show my partner how I feel, I’m afraid s/he will not feel the same about me. O    
I am generally satisfied with my romantic relationships.   O  
I don’t feel the need to act out much in my romantic relationships.   O  
I think about my relationships a lot. O    
I find it difficult to depend on romantic partners.     O
I tend to get very quickly attached to a romantic partner. O    
I have little difficulty expressing my needs and wants to my partner.   O  
I sometimes feel angry or annoyed with my partner without knowing why.     O
I am very sensitive to my partner’s moods. O    
I believe most people are essentially honest and dependable.   O  
I prefer casual sex with uncommitted partners to intimate sex with one person.     O
I’m comfortable sharing my personal thoughts and feelings with my partner.   O  

(To Read the rest of this Blog and get your score (the graph is also clearer on the blog, please click on the link below. Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and LifeCoach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334.  www.blog2grow4spirit.com )

 

 

 

 

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Never Get Hurt Again from Choosing the Wrong Partner

Damn. I wish I had found this book about 30 years ago. I believe I have found the guide that actually tells me exactly what I have been doing wrong all these years. The book is about Adult Attachment.

There are three kinds of attachment: secure, anxious and avoidant.

  1. Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving;
  2. Anxious people crave intimacy but are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; and
  3. Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

These styles differ in the way they deal with:

  • Intimacy
  • Conflict
  • Sex
  • Communication
  • And expectation from their partner.

All people fit into one of these categories. Some, however, fit into two categories, which would be anxious and avoidant at the same time.

My hope this week is to go over all of the issues of this book and translate them into some kind of easy format for us to follow together. Who knows, maybe I’ll write the “Dummy’s guide to Attachment Disorder.”

The book is called simply: “Attached.” It is written by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. If you would like to buy the book and study along with me, I’m going to be going chapter by chapter this week.

To understand the book’s context we need to understand the definition of a couple words:

Protest Behavior – A behavior such as calling someone three times, instead of once to see where they are.  Making someone try to feel jealous to woo them back to loving you.

Dependency – We have looked at dependency in relationship as being a bad word. In theory, most relationships are based on healthy dependency. When we start life, we have a mother who comes to care for us when we cry. She feeds us and comforts us. This kind of dependent behavior is set in our neuro biology. We long for someone to be there for us in our time of need and expectation. We want someone to be there when we graduate from college after 10 years of being away from school. This is part of good relationship, not bad.

We’ll talk about the difference between codependent and healthy dependent relationships later. But just to let you know, that it is an okay thing to need your spouse to hold you sometimes when you’re scared. That spouse shouldn’t be saying, “Buck up, and be an adult!” That spouse should gladly be there for you, if he or she can.

There are three statements below that will help you find which attachment state you are in right now:

  1. Secure Attachment: I find it relatively easy to get close to someone and I’m comfortable with someone depending on me, and I don’t mind depending on someone else in some situations.  I don’t usually worry about being abandoned or have issues with people being too close to me.
  2. Avoidant Attachment: I am somewhat uncomfortable being too close to others: I find it difficult to trust completely. I certainly don’t want to depend on anyone but myself. I get nervous when a partner or friend gets too close to me.
  3. Anxious Attachment: I often find people aren’t willing to get close to me. I worry that people don’t really love me or won’t stick around for too long. I want to merge completely with another person—that makes me feel safe. I know it’s strange, but I scare people away by doing that.

 

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A Lot from a Little

A Lot from a Little

This week has been one of those monumental weeks when you stand back and look at life and wonder if you had just turned a huge bend toward some vast light in the distance. Strength from a place I have never been came rushing toward me to find a new home in my heart.

We learn in psychology that in just twenty-four hours a child learns to mimic the facial expressions of a parent. In a year the child has most of his or her learning mechanisms and love/relationship mechanics in place for the rest of life. That is, of course, unless he or she awakens to a bad behavior and decides that change in Self must take place, even if it takes an entire lifetime.

That person was me. I saw a young boy abandoned and strangled of love early and with little hope of ever having a healthy relationship. I watched people like me, who I attracted to my life, repeat my lessons over and over before me, and yet we all never changed.

Until one day I woke up from the dream and realized that one person could change my life and that person would have to be me. So, I let go of false hope that I had in old relationships, let go of old thought and religion that no longer served me and began to swim in a new vast ocean of Self awareness that started, interestingly enough, with a very loud, agonizing cry, much like a child at birth.

When the last tear was shed, I felt alone and abandoned, but not for long…

(To Read the rest of this Blog, please click on the link below. Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and LifeCoach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334.  www.blog2grow4spirit.com )

 

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