Month: March 2013

Understanding Your Underlying Intentions

There was a time in my life when I would see a person whom I thought was a little out of my league. I would set my sights on dating this person. Then I would try to find ways to prove that I was a better person than all the other people he or she was dating at the time. I would cook meals. I would give massages. I would take care of dogs when he/she was away. I would provide rides to doctors, airports, car maintenance. I would be a better friend and partner than this person had ever known, without asking for anything in return. In other words, I would show that part of me that is a complete and total caregiver.

So, when the person would eventually fall for me—which often happened—because of all the tremendous good I brought to his/her life, I now had placed myself in a role of complete codependency. Usually the person was an avoidant personality, not even looking for relationship. I had to convince the person that I was the ideal mate by only being available when he/she had time. I had to repress all signs of need during the dating process to keep the person interest and free from fear of running away.

Of course, my insides would be thinking, when I get this person in a committed relationship, I can be myself. There will be time to help this person see that he/she, too, can learn to be a giver. But it never turned out that way. Avoidant or narcissistic people tend to not change behavior very easily. When I think about it, why should they? I showed them a picture of a relationship that was ideal for their lifestyle. I would be there for them whenever they needed me, and they pretty much just had to provide a modicum of intimacy and be arm candy in return. I took care of all the rest.

Damn, when I look back at my life and look at the picture of what I had created over and over again, I want to pull my hair out and scream. Is it any wonder none of my relationships ended up working out? Eventually, the person who is the needy one—me—grows up and realizes he/she doesn’t need to be extorted to be valuable in anybody’s life.

But here’s the thing, my friends, this behavior doesn’t come from adult neediness. It comes from attachment issues as a child. You have to begin to understand where your anxiety for attachment started to really repair the problems that were created in your psycho-genetics.

I know for certain that when my mother left my father when I was in third grade that there was a need for two things, a compassionate loving woman, and a masculine love that I had no idea how to get. I had neither and could gain either by being idle. I cooked dinner for six children and my father. I baked bread and cupcakes for lunches for all the children almost every day. I went grocery shopping, carefully tallying every cent spent, so that there would be ample food for every day; otherwise, we would be left eating “hot rock soup” at the end of the two week pay period. And this was when I was 10-13 years old. I learned to be a great piano player and singer to impress my father and his friends, because I knew I would never excel in sports, where his interests were. I carried a 4.0 in high school for two reasons: I wanted the hell out of that home, and I wanted to always have a reason to have my father’s praise. “Be the best, be perfect, do more than everyone else in the family, and then you will get noticed.”

Did it work? Yes, most of the time. Did I end up with Dad’s love? At the beginning, but then I ended up his worst enemy when he discovered I was gay by reading a personal letter to my sister Cheri. Years went by before he would even say he loved me. Again, the work for love and to impress started. I began to create a life that was bigger than all the other kids in my family, more money, better cars, more schooling, more accolades, nicer everything. I wanted him to see that I was worthy.

Or was I was just trying to prove to myself that I was worthy? It came down to understand that point and that point alone.

When I saw that the entire process of trying to impress him, the dates in my life, and friends, I realized that my life was a sham. I had to start over and let go of everything that I thought mattered and begin assessing what was authentic and real in my life, including every relationship to everything in my life: work, friends, partners, things, my art, and my writing. Everything had to go through a major ego-dissemination transformation. This is what made me drop my writing contract and begin writing my “Finding Authentic You” blog. It was simple. It was from my heart. And it had no preconceived ideas about what it may lead to. It was a commitment to my own soul to do something for God and those reading it. That’s it.

As for singing and performing, last week was the first time I sang for over a year. It felt good to be unattached to the results. The more unattached I felt, the better I sang and performed. The end revelation was perfect and pure. I want more of that in my life. You can’t ask for more than two standing ovations with people yelling and whooping.

As for relationships, I want only those in my life who accept me for all of me—my faults and my good. Part of that responsibility is on me. I have to not be afraid to show my vulnerability and my weaknesses at the beginning of relationships. I also can’t lead with dependent kinds of behavior. Dependency happens naturally in any secure relationship when it is established with mutual giving.

Remember, you only have to be what you are. Growing through your trials and old relationships to be a better person is a great thing. I look at mistakes as a perfect opportunity to get life right. I hope this next person in my life is ready. I have so much good and insight to bring to the table. They better know they are going to be blessed!

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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Full Frontal or Just Back Side Up?

Since I have been single, I have taken to trying out a few dating sites. I started out with the more dating oriented ones (OkCupid and PlentyofFish and Match.com). After about two weeks, you really see that there are about 3 people that you may be compatible with and unless someone new signs up, you really get bored. With Match.com, I wouldn’t suggest spending the money. It was fairly worthless. There were men on that site who I know have been in relationship for years and haven’t even lived in Nashville for years. It is a scam.

Well back in my younger days, I was kind of addicted to the old kind of gay websites that roped you in with all these naked pictures. I would spend lots of time talking to people that were probably enigmas. I had to completely get off of the sites, because it had become an addiction, and happens to be one of the biggest growing addictions in the world today.

Some close friend, however, told me that one of the old ones that I used to haunt was kind of the go-to gay scene now, so I took a chance and signed up yesterday. Holy Shit!

So, I go to this site called Adam4adam.com and, Oh Jesus, it is filled with 90% crazies with butts in the air stretched wide open, full frontal, flowering blooms, and guys doing the nasty. And the profiles are wild. Most of the men want 3-ways, fetishes, sex now, then at the end, they say, and would be into relationships too… I’m thinking… REALLY!

What part of all of that first part means relationship—well, the kind of intimate, monogamous relationship I would be into? What are you telling the universe with that kind of crap all around you?

Honestly, I have not had sex since I broke up with Steve. I really don’t want to until I find someone who is worthy of having an adult relationship with. I’m just tired of making these pseudo-intimate commitments that end up in never really knowing the person, because if you have sex first you get ahead of knowing the authentic person inside the body you grow connected to. I’m sure that’s what happened with my ex.

I honestly don’t feel like I even know him at all at this point. When I hear of his lifestyle after we broke up, it’s as if he was hiding who he was the entire time we were together. It’s no wonder he wanted his own apartment. He needed to be who he really was. That’s understandable. Had I known there was a mystery person dying to get out for drugs, alcoholic binges, and one-night stands, I would have never suggested him moving in. But that’s my great mistake, that taught me to never be so naïve again.

But I do have to say that talking to these dudes on this Adam4adam.com if making me laugh. It is a lesson in life that I will hopefully be able to share in small doses with you. For instance, this man tonight who seemed very normal by his photo and profile, hit me up and asked to talk. He looked normal. Was dressed in a suit in his one photo. I thought he was a business-type person. He ended up being a nudist who wanted to have dinner nude at his home this evening. Lol–without even meeting first. OMG I’m sorry, but nakedness and food just don’t belong together.

Then I had a conversation with an African American man who said he remembered me from walking down the street one day five years ago. He said I smiled at him and my gaze went right through him. He wished, then, that he had gone up to me and said hello. He told himself that if he ever had the chance to meet me again, that he would. That is why he was contacting me tonight. Funny thing is, I remember the meeting. I just remembered seeing him around and was smiling to let him know that I remembered him. Funny how life works out. We just had a nice conversation about God and spirituality. He could end up a friend.

And yet another man contacted me today who was completely intrigued with hypnotherapy and wanted to know more about it. He was interested in about finding his authentic self. I hope he calls and follows up, though I know it is a long shot on these kinds of sites. But the truth is, you just never know.

Leading with your own authentic self, whether it be on the street with a stranger, or on a site that is completely out of your comfort zone, can lead you to a magical, spiritual moment that was designed perfectly for each person involved. I hope you will learn to lean into life instead of backing away from it, like this experience and find more genuine moments like the ones I had today.

Namaste.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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Beyond Blessings

I once read a book called: “The Dark Night of the Soul: A Psychiatrist Explores the Connection Between Darkness and Spiritual Growth,” by Gerald May. The subject seemed daunting. My dear friend Lisa had suggested the title. I trusted her spiritual path, so I bought it and read it on the plane to and from a long vacation out west.

In our darkest hour we learn the most about ourselves. We learn our strengths. Our fortitude is tested. Our endurance is explored. Our ability to withstand stress is weighed. In our times of deepest desperation, it could be said that we actually see who we actually have become as human beings.

Looking back at my life, I remember a time when I returned to Nashville from NYC. I was just about broke. I had relinquished my vocal studio to a friend with an agreement she never fulfilled. She had turned the ministers of my church of 20 years and half of my friends against me by the time my car rolled into Nashville, because she was afraid I would steal back the vocal studio from her. In turn, she stole my piano and got a lawyer before I even had time to move my furniture into a new home. And this was the person I had called my dearest friend before I left Nashville.

It was one of the darkest moments of my life. All of who I was, seemed to come crumbling down around me. I had little to fortify me, as even my friends had trouble believing that I was in the right.

I remember crawling into bed and wanting to stay there forever. I didn’t understand why everything was happening in that moment. I thought Spirit had directed me to come back to Nashville. I felt a strong peace about it. And my partner, then, also felt that same peace. So, we decided to stay in our truth and begin to tell friends that we would be happy to meet with pastors, lawyers, and friends and discuss anything with this antagonist and work it out. We were not afraid to come to the table with our truths.

So, one by one, these pastors, friends, and cohorts asked this mutual friend to make peace and talk. Each time, she refused and said that she would not meet with us. Eventually, every one of the people we talked to began to realize that the only person who was hiding something was the woman who took over the vocal studio.

At that time, I was also offered a position as the music minister at Unity. Some of this woman’s friends wrote terrible letters to the minister about me, but wouldn’t sign the letters. So, the minister, with wisdom, decided that anyone who didn’t have the courage to sign a letter, didn’t have truth either. So, I ended up with the position.

My life began to change as I sat in the darkness and face reality, as cold as it was. But I turned to the deepest truth in me. I recognized what God had shown me over and over again in life—eventually, truth will find you. So, I just had to be patient and wait upon the Lord.

There have been many other times in my life that have wrought bountiful blessings through dark times. Even now as I sit in my loneliness after a break-up at Christmas, I know that God is already preparing the perfect mate for me. I can see his face and can feel his spirit. I may have to sit in the darkness for a while longer, but not without knowing that there is a God that rewards courage with blessings.

The interesting thing about buying “The Dark Night of the Soul” was that my friend who suggested the book was actually talking about the book that Saint John of the Cross wrote. I never ended up reading that book. I ended up reading a book that changed my life and my thinking about the purpose of darkness. What scared me most, actually ended up blessing me the most.

I remember the words clearly as the writer wrote: “Remember that Jesus had to descend into Hell before he could ascend into heaven. Darkness to light.” I may be paraphrasing, because it has been a long while since I have read the book, and have long since loaned it out. But you see the truth in the metaphor.

I believe that the Buddhist thinking would be similar. The noble path to truth is facing that life holds unbearable pain. When you can fully embrace that noble truth, you no longer feel entitled to spending your life in joy. You recognize that darkness and light are side by side and each make way for their separate way of teaching us the path to spiritual growth.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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