Month: May 2013

When the Past Greets You with a Warm, Familiar Smile

We’ve all had times in our lives when an old friend calls or visits. You can tell when the friendship was strong, because you feel as if no time had passed. All there is to catch up with is the news from the time you last met.

I’m feeling very fortunate today because my college roommate is coming to Nashville for a visit today. I haven’t seen him in over twenty-five years. During those years he has been married, had four children, divorced, and moved a couple times. Two of his children are in their twenties. When I see pictures of the children on Facebook, they remind me of my old friend and the days we were inseparable. People always thought we were dating because we hung out so much. But the truth was, I felt as if he knew me better than anyone in the world.

When you find a friend that close, it’s as if you are mirrors for each other in good and, sometimes, negative ways. Fortunately, for us, we never fought, which made the next phase of our friendship in the early nineties terribly painful.

After he got married, his wife took to intercepting my phone calls and letters. She even answered the phone a couple times and told me that my friend didn’t want to speak with me. After his divorce, I found him on Facebook. We began to chat almost every night. Finally, I got the courage to ask him what happened during the extended time of no communication.

To my complete surprise, he told me that he had no idea I had called or written all those years. The news about a friend’s dying message to him never reached him. The wife was so jealous of her husband’s attention and afraid of his past, that she took to controlling him and his life.

I went almost eighteen years believing that one of my dearest friends in the world didn’t want to speak to me anymore. I waited in the vast silence with despair and dismay as life took me to places that I wished I could share with him, but couldn’t.

I was angered by his ex-wife’s ploy, as was he. But, fortunately, the pain of the past is over and we have an opportunity to rebuild what really was never broken. So, I wait for dinner tonight with hope and expectation to see my old friend. We had funny things we would say to each other that only we understood. I look forward to greeting him with one of those secret messages. I know I’ll see a bright smile and lots of love on the other end.

I also had a couple friends, a married couple, who moved from New York City to Los Angeles In that time they had a couple children. These two people were two of the closest friends I had in New York. When they lived in New York, we talked at least twice a day, went to church together, travelled together, supported each other in every aspect of our lives. As you can imagine, when they moved, the amount of contact dwindled, as it often does. However, I was shocked to find out it had been three years since we had spoken, I no longer had their telephone numbers or address, and more importantly, their life now included two small children. Why hadn’t they reached out and told me?

All of that information together made me sad, because I had lost touch. I wondered if the reason they had let our friendship wane was because they were of the ilk of Christianity who believed that homosexuality was a sin. They had confronted me about it a couple times, but I had hoped that because they had family members and many friends who were gay, that this wasn’t the case. However, I let the thought about it fester for a long time, making me resist contacting.

Finally, however, I just began contacting mutual friends until I found their number and address. After which, I visited and felt as if all was well and no space or time had come between us. Their love for me never waned. In fact, as we all grew older, there was a new sense of respect for each other that was refreshing and joyous.

I’m thankful for old friends. I wish I had the moxie to stay in touch more with all of the ones who were very special. Facebook does give me the opportunity to stay connected. I am very grateful for these types of social media for making the world smaller and increasing the ability to reconnect with old friends.

The biggest point here, though, is to never stop believing in an old, loving relationship. You may not be able to contact, write, call, or even visit. Real love, however, doesn’t slip away. Season come and go with relationship. Sometimes we are close and sometimes distant. But true love never wanes.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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When the Past Comes Back to Haunt You

The only thing in our human lives that isn’t passed down by genes and heredity is our Attachment Style (Avoidant, Anxious, or Confused) exacted from the time of birth to the present by: Each time our mother kissed us, our father left the house, our sister played games with our minds. Our own physical mind was taking careful notes, constructing the framework for our entire future.

So, we wonder why the past comes up at certain times to bite us in the ass. You have no cause to wonder anymore. Your human brain is made of many neuro-pathways that cause mental triggers from small behavioral changes to Post Traumatic Stress whenever certain situations cause one of the pathways to fire at an inappropriate time.

So, the question becomes: How do I deal with a mental impulse that I can’t stop from happening?

As always, I’m going to recount my own situation and help you as I continue to aid myself daily in.

One example for me to keep the cobwebs of my past eradicated from my mind would be to work on the following: My need to be loved—not just by someone—by everyone. I have this innate desire for everyone to approve of my behavior constantly.

When someone who cares about me, tells me I have done something that is the smallest problem and desires for me to change, my gut instinct is to self-flagellate with unkind words to myself. The worst habit, though, is to relive my past and situations that I seem to have failed where relationships are concerned. The past haunts me, sometimes on a daily basis. Is there hope?

For example, I have to drive past an old friend’s house almost every day, and I can’t help but to almost weep because I don’t understand why she abandoned our friendship. A few days ago I was told that she was best buddies now with a guy who literally snubs me in public. I have never had this kind of behavior happen to me before with anyone, especially someone to whom I have no idea what I did to cause anger. I barely knew this individual. Now he’s an old dear friend’s best friend. Yeah!

Okay, that’s the situation. Here is the truth for myself and, hopefully, for you too:

Friends and partners come into our lives to teach us lessons. Sometimes when the lesson is over, Spirit moves that person out of our lives to make room for another lesson and maybe even another, better friend or partner. That has certainly been the case in my life.

When an old thought comes up like the one I mentioned, I try to watch my behavior and see if I can stop the pattern with compassionate self-talk. I say to myself things like, “You are trying to live the most authentic life you know. You can’t have everyone love you. Another person’s feelings are not your responsibility, Bo.”

If that doesn’t work, I try asking someone I know and love to pray with me about it, to get my thoughts into the healing light of Spirit, where they belong. When you keep your depression secret, friends and allies have trouble helping you, because you hide your needs from the most important people in your life—your allies in Spirit. If you open up and share your attachment problems, you are more likely to have the kind of support you need to get over the old thought patterns.

My self-talk includes making an assessment of my present life. I tell myself to look around at my current friends and the huge amount of love that surrounds me daily. I feel so blessed, when I take the time to actually get present and look at what God has attracted to my life in the form of friendships, prosperity, and work I love.

I have so much love in my life, I hardly have time for the friends I have, which makes the current matter even more of a conundrum. Why would I be thinking about old friends who don’t want to be in my life, when I have friends who are seriously better than the old ones, carrying around less baggage, enjoying—with me—being in my life. The best thing about the newer friends is, too, that they don’t see you through the lens of your past. They don’t force you to carry around old, heavy baggage daily.

I had one good friend in the past who would consistently remind me of my shortcomings every time something good would happen in my life. For example, I would be in the middle of a birthday party with a hundred friends celebrating my life, and she would say something that would inevitably push me back down to my old size, which, I guess, was her subconscious desire. She didn’t want me to get too big for my britches, because it may have meant that I wouldn’t have room for her in my larger, more lavish life of love and friendships.

Well, eventually, my life did get too large for her. She snuck out the back door one day by telling a partner that she no longer wanted to be my friend. I think her exact words were, “You and Bo suck!” She never said a word to me after that. She just left my life.

My partner and I loved each other and honored one another enough to work through that person exiting our lives with grace and love. We prayed for her and asked God to show us if we needed to take steps to repair that fence. We both were led to let go.

Another one of my problems in life is to help other people when I should let them fall or fail, if that’s what they have caused in their lives. No one has learned that lesson more than I have, especially in intimate relationships. We can’t be anyone’s all in all. In fact, the more we enable people to be irresponsible and mistreat us, the more we end up with uncaring, codependent partners. Of course, that is not my intention, so I have to let people take care of their own problems. I can be a helper, but not take on the complete responsibility of anyone’s problems.

This should be our mantra for the future: I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE’S PROBLEMS BUT MY OWN. I CHOOSE TO BE AN INDEPENDENT PERSON WHO IS ALWAYS WILLING TO LOVE AND BE COMPASSIONATE, BUT NEVER CHOOSES TO AID IN CODEPENDENCY!

If we live by that concept, we can resist the urges to go back into our past and relive and relive and relive the same situations over and over again, both in our minds and in our current lives. Let’s stop the perpetual flow of the past leaching into our lives by reminding ourselves and each other of our current belief and resist the urge to fall back into detrimental relationship behavior.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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There’s Still Some Fight in These Fists

Every day I wake up wondering if I’m going to feel better or worse. Seriously, with age, the health of our bodies is a gamble. I couldn’t have made more right choices concerning my health growing up: I was a vegetarian or vegan for more than half of my life; I exercised almost the entire time—everything from aerobics and weight lifting to yoga, presently; I have used skin treatments; I have taken vitamins; I have rested when appropriate and really have never overworked; and I take lots of time to laugh and enjoy life and sunshine and flowers in my garden.

Still, when I wake up in the morning, sometimes I can’t make it to the bathroom without terrible, arthritic pain. On a scale of one to ten, most times the pain is in the seven range. Should I thank my father and mother for these genes, or have I actually done something to cause the terrible pain I have about 40% of the time?

In my entire life I have never drunk coffee or have used much caffeine at all. Lately, however, I have taken to drinking three gulps of coffee in the morning with my partner. I don’t drink enough to make me feel frantic or edgy. I don’t consume enough for my stomach to gurgle with that acidy feeling. I simply take two and sometimes three sips. That’s it.

During the next couple hours, instead of developing a slow and steady pace toward movement and comfort, I now have a sense of general wellbeing. Sometimes I used to get severe migraines as the afternoon came upon me. These have even stopped completely. I have gotten off of my prophylactic medication, Topomax, which I took daily to prevent migraines. Who would have imagined that a small dose of caffeine from morning Joe could help my physical pain and the migraines? Certainly, not me.

As we get older, we certainly do open ourselves up to the idea that we could become wiser. Jesus gave us the advice: “Physician, heal yourself.” I have sincerely taken that scripture to heart.

I try not to believe that I am moving toward stasis of any kind. I want to feel as if I am completely a living, moving, and breathing example of life growing and expanding exponentially with time. I see myself as a man who can recreate himself at any time and at any moment for the current circumstance. I want to believe the best about myself, and so should you.

Consider it pointless to have a negative attitude toward life and existence. Negativity only attracts more negativity, like a magnet. Creating anger, instead of dealing with your hurt, only propagates more turmoil in your life and in the world.

With age, lets all learn the hard lessons of life. Begin to recognize that leaving things to be fixed by others, leaving messes to be cleaned up by others, and not taking care of our own lives is simply creating a tempest of problems that will explode in all of our faces, eventually.

We can count on growing older. We can consider ourselves fortunate, if as we age, we gain wisdom and compassion—both towards ourselves and others. Moving forward in life can be a beautiful passageway to grand understanding and insight if we keep listening for that still small voice within us to lead us to peace and greener pastures.
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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