I continue to be amazed at how couples communicate. One woman wants her husband to be considerate. So, she yells at him and doesn’t tell him why she’s mad. A man can’t understand why his boyfriend takes advantage of him. He doesn’t tell him he feels this way. He just stays frustrated. Another couple keeping letting the children in the home dictate what they do and don’t do.
Why are people not just saying what they need to communicate to each other? What are we so afraid of? What could possibly happen if we actually say something pertinent to the one we love?
Think about it: I’m really angry because I caught my partner in a lie. The lie wasn’t directed at me, but it affected me. I tell him I’m pissed and that I know he lied. Is this really what I need to communicate?
What is underneath the emotion? That feeling is what I need to be communicating. I’m hurt because the one person I expect and need to be totally honest and loyal with me has left me feeling insecure about everything he has told me in our past. I’m confused, because we made a vow to be honest at all costs. Does this mean that you have decided to withhold the truth from me about other things? These questions about our emotions are the nuts and bolts of communication.
How often have you let parents and family get away with things you would never let a friend or acquaintance do? I’d imagine, a great deal. We tend to believe that family should come with a certain amount of suffering attached. My truth is: Even if it’s family, I still have a right to limit the amount of commitment I have to anyone who is mistreating me. If I don’t, I communicate to myself that I don’t value me.
A flight attendant said to me that her therapist shared this tasty nugget: “If you’re not healthy, you can’t help anyone else. The scenario is just like putting that oxygen mask on your face before you help your child. If you’re weak from no oxygen, how are you to help the people you love? You simply can’t! Put your oxygen mask on first!”
If you need permission to take care of yourself, I’m going to give it to you right now. If you have been giving and giving and not getting anything in return—and you’re all right with that, then at the very least, you need to treat yourself to something that will make you happy. Go to a spa day. Get a facial. Treat yourself to a night out with the girls. Go shopping and buy yourself that suit you’ve been wanting for so long.
What are you waiting for? Are you expecting someone else to take care of you as you have been taking care of everyone else? If you are, you are going to wait for a long time, perhaps eternity.
If you are in a secure relationship, though, and the person who loves and respects you, honors what you say and what you need, you’ll automatically get what you need when you ask for it, if it’s a reasonable request. People who are securely attached want to make you happy and satisfied. People who are anxious or avoidant or disoriented attached, will have trouble deciphering their needs from yours. You will end up in a mire of confused and angry feelings.
Seeking a secure attachment will assure you that your needs are, at the very least, heard. Compassion is soon to follow.
This is what we all deserve. No one has been put on this earth solely to satisfy the needs of others without getting anything in return. It’s your turn now. Take it, or leave the situation you are in. You are a valuable and awesome child of God!
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.
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