Month: September 2013

Why “I’ll Try!” Simply Isn’t Good Enough!

Most of us have heard the saying from Star Wars: Episode 5, The Empire Strikes Back when the character Yoda explains to Luke Skywalker: “No. Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try!”

Why is the matter of Luke Skywalker “trying” not good enough for Yoda? In a world where the best you can give sometimes is simply trying your best, it would seem that any effort would be considered a good thing. But Yoda understood that to make effective change you had to be committed to a goal—completely. When all you can say is, “I’ll try,” you have not given your heart and soul to the process. Therefore, failure is impending.

I use my own midlife struggle with ten pounds as an example often. But, I do so, because most of us struggle with weight—some more than others. These damn ten pound have been like an anchor for over a year. I lose five and gain five back. I lose ten, then slowly, I gain it all back. I keep saying, I’m ‘trying’ this and that diet and exercise plan. But the truth is, I have not committed to losing the weight. If I had committed, I would have already lost it and kept it off.

Today, a client cancelled, which gave me two hours in the afternoon, which I normally don’t have. Since I was caught up with my work, I decided that I would do my yoga practice. Normally, I do it three times a week, not five or six, which would be required to lose weight. Instead, I have been “trying” to get to the gym and do 45-50 minutes of aerobics. I have made it to the YMCA a total of three times in two weeks, but also have bounced on my fitness ball two more nights. Though that would be considered a good try, it is not enough of an effort to lose weight—not hardly enough.

After my yoga practice today, I took a much-needed shower. I felt invigorated and empowered, because yoga is my exercise and spiritual practice of choice. It provides me with everything I need. As I got out of the shower, I heard myself say, “I ought to TRY and do yoga every day. Make a serious effort to do it at a specific time.”

As I observed my error in ways, I asked myself another question: “How hard would it be to say: ‘I will commit to my yoga practice every day at 8 a.m.?’”

I actually muttered the words, but couldn’t commit to it completely. Immediately, I thought, well, what if I’m sick. How can I say I commit totally to something without knowing how I’ll feel each day?

I realized, then, that I could easily say, “If I’m not sick and feeling well enough, or if time constraints allow, I will commit to doing yoga at eight every morning.”

After I said that allowed, I felt sick to my stomach. It was as if a little boy inside was mad at me. He didn’t want to have to do anything he was told. In fact, that little boy inside probably was the one who has been eating the sweets and extras, even when I’m not hungry. He probably takes over my mind. And I let him.

How many times have you picked up something sweet after something salty, even when you weren’t hungry, just to make a presumptive balance in your taste palate? Or have you done what I do and continue to eat, even when you’re not hungry, simply because the food tastes so good. Or, even worse, eat because you’re bored and chewing feels like an action worth doing?

Oh dear. Effective change takes way more effort than that. I tell my clients this every day. But I know the real reason that I don’t lose the weight. It is because I believe that I look fine with a few extra pounds. And fine simply is good enough, especially when you have a partner who loves you, even with a few extra pounds.

When I come to the resolution that health is more important than actually losing the weight, I will probably easily take the pounds off, simply by changing my behavior about taking care of my body.

 

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.

 

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

 

 

 

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What Should You Discuss on a Third Date?

In considering new relationships and dating, the primary goal is DO NOT keep dating the same type of person over and over again and expect a different result! When you search for someone to date, you may need to begin by considering a completely new paradigm for relating.

One very good goal is to balance transparency with securely attached behavior. I’ll explain:

Screen Shot 2016-05-11 at 10.04.32 AMSay, on a third date, you may not want to share intimate details about your life, because you are not secure enough or feel safe enough with the person yet. So, instead, you may ask questions that don’t risk revealing too much of his personal identity, but do reveal whether or not he is someone who has the ability to be transparent enough to be in a secure relationship.

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An example of the difference in the type of question is this: If you asked, “Where do you work or where do you live?” this kind of question may lead to discovering information about the actual location he works from 9-5. That information may be too risky to reveal on a third date, especially for a woman. So, avoid that kind of interrogation. You could, however, ask, “If you could pick any job in the world, what would you do and why?”

This kind of questioning opens up into the character of the individual, instead of revealing specifics about who and what he or she does. I’d would much rather know about the character of an individual I’m interested in dating, anyway, than the precise details of his life. That will come later.

You may not want to answer the question: “What is your last name and the street you live on?” But, you could easily ask a person on the third date what relationship looks like to her.

You might follow that up with, “In the past, what kind of things would you do differently in relationship, or what have you learned from past relationships?” (Notice that I keep the questions positive. I wouldn’t ask, what did you do wrong? Or why didn’t your last relationship work out?)

You will notice immediately if a person gets uncomfortable with intimacy. If he or she avoids answering questions like the above, you can be fairly certain you are not dealing with a very securely attached individual. Your goal should be to understand how a person would act in each of the six important dynamics of relationship: Attraction, Availability, Intimacy, Transparency, Security, and Trust.

  1. Attraction, you can perceive the moment you meet and talk. If it’s there, it’s there. However, if you know what to look for, you may be attracted to a different type of person completely, than you had in the past.
  2. Availability is discovered when you find out if the person is actually unmarried, unattached, or has enough time off of work to actually have a relationship (an important attribute to have).
  3. Intimacy is fairly easy to achieve on a physical level. But you should be more concerned about achieving intimacy with your heart and mind first. Usually, intimacy comes with spending time together and finding things in common.
  4. Transparency is what we discussed above. Is this person willing to share his/her heart with you and tell you what matters most? If your date is not willing, then I wouldn’t go on another date.
  5. Security and Trust are developed over time. No one can predict how safe you will feel with someone, until you have spent time together in many different situations. That’s why we date, and we date for about a year before we get married or live with someone.

I am one to not waste time. So, if by the third date, a person hasn’t shared enough information or heart time with me, I’m not available to move forward. I have learned far too much in the dating process to waste my time with unavailable people with no desire or understanding of true intimacy.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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Don’t Eat That!

I awoke to my first action today, taking my puppy out for his morning “release and let go.” The ground was wet with last night’s rain, a musty odor filled the air, and a dead animal was eviscerated in the middle of the road by cars continually running over it. Before I cold stop him, Coco ate a piece of the slimy dead one. “Ugh,” I cried, “No, Coco, don’t!”

Yet, he slurped up the remains. I couldn’t eat my breakfast. And you’re probably thinking, thanks for sharing—now, I can’t eat my meal!

I have learned a lot from my dog. I love him unconditionally. I believe that he loves me unconditionally. He doesn’t care if I clip his toenails, and he growls and cries. He still greets me at the door and jumps on me every time as if it’s the first time he’s ever seen me. Yet, he is an animal, working with only the reptilian mind—fight or flight mentality. He does what he needs in the moment to survive.

When he sees the opportunity for something he wants, he takes no time to decide to go for it. His actions are spontaneous when it comes to fear, food, and play. He can be dead asleep. If he hears the word squirrel or kitty cat, he will jump up, run to the window and bark. He can be eating or curled up with my mother on the couch completely comfortable. But if I say, “Coco, you wanna go for a ride with Daddy?” He will jump up, run to the door, and leap for his leash.

The reptilian mind of the human is similar to a dog’s brain, if not coerced and observed by the deductive mind and spiritual force of a person.

We have three decidedly different and diverse functional parts of the brain:
1. The Reptilian brain
2. The Deductive brain; and
3. The Inductive brain.

The reptilian brain will function on its own like a child without proper care and instruction. It will rant until it gets what it wants. It will cry when it’s afraid. It will find a hiding place if its afraid. This part of our mind needs constant and consistent direction.

I believe that when the Apostle Paul was talking about “taking every thought into captivity,” he was considering that our thoughts are not always conducive to a spiritual and loving path. He knew that our thoughts left free would cause most of his disciples to do things he wished they wouldn’t, or that wouldn’t be prudent to their own growth or others.

The other two parts of the mind are the deductive and the inductive thinking of the mind. The deductive is the part that is considered the awakened brain. We deduct, add, subtract, and create thoughts from that which already exists. Staying in this part of the brain will keep you sleepless at night and probably form insomniac tendencies.

If we find that we are traveling on a path that is not conducive to our spiritual path, we might advise our body to act differently with the deductive mind: “If you eat that cake, Bo, you are probably going to gain back the pound you lost yesterday!”

The inductive mind is the observer or the dreamer. We can fall asleep using this part of our mind.

If you find that your deductive mind isn’t as strong as your reptilian brain, and your face is inside the cake before you can extract yourself, then it’s time for the observer mind to begin to work.

The observer mind is the overseer. It watches and commands from the God Mind. This part of our mind can become incredibly strong, but only if you practice getting it strong by meditation. If you can’t get quiet, you are likely unable to control addictive behavior and have trouble sleeping.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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