One of the best pieces of advice I have ever gotten was that “every relationship inevitably separates; either by death, separation, or divorce. Getting into a secure and happy relationship relies heavily upon both partners recognizing this inevitability.” Every day, every moment is then shared with the understanding that time is of the essence and this relationship is, at best, ephemeral. Let’s not be negative, but realistic.
We don’t benefit in any situation by taking people and their relationships for granted, especially those closest to us. We also don’t benefit by keeping close and anxiously attached relationships when someone isn’t deserving of our time and love.
Scenario One: A young woman decides she loves her drug addiction more than she appreciates the good boundaries you have set up in your parental/child relationship. She steals from you. She mistreats you. She keeps you up most days worrying.
Scenario Two: A partner moves in close for the catch. He treats you with some respect and lavishes you with gifts. But, later, when he has captured your heart, he tromps on it hard and expects you not to budge as he leaves you hanging in the balance.
Scenario Three: Someone in your life has outgrown the nurturing benefits of your relationship only to become dependent on them.
All three of the relationships above require you to let go. It may be a child going away to college or leaving for his first new job in Japan. It may be a woman whom you have loved for fifteen years, but who has taken away intimacy and replaced it with a heavy, dictator’s hand. It may be an addiction that requires you to move completely away and separate yourself. But all of these circumstances require you to get out of the way of someone else’s problem or growth and get on with your own.
I thought that I had found a securely attached friend once. He “exhibited” all of the right qualities one looks for when thinking about the long term. But as the relationship continued, as I look back now, he moved away every time I moved closer—it wasn’t far, but it was away. His fear grew exponentially as I began to depend on him being there for me, even though his dependency for me grew as well.
Relationship is growth. Sometimes what appears to be securely attached is really avoidantly attached in sheepskin, posing as the right behavior to keep you close. But only time and “you taking space” in relationship will reveal the harsher truth. Unfortunately, sometimes, the revealing only comes with your vulnerability. This fact is the harshest part about deciding you are ready for relationship. Only the most adeptly secure person can know the intricacies of how much to reveal, how much to share, how much to depend and in what given time to protect the most intimate places of the heart. Even the most protected of hearts will hurt when one of the three behaviors above presents itself. The only way to be healthy and construct secure boundaries is to leave a relationship gone wrong. Be strong. You have it within you to look at the situation with a compassionate, observer eye.
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.
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