Month: January 2015

“Safe” in Relationship #relationship #relationshipadvice

The word safe would be hard to define if you grew up with abuse and alcoholism, if you didn’t have parents, or you were rocked in a crib by a nurse, once, every four hours. In fact, safe may become “what you know” and not what makes you feel secure, especially in personal relationships. This substitution happens so many times with people who have had trauma in their past. They pick partners who mirror their past, instead of calm the fears of the past.

I have to ask myself the important questions about anyone I date, especially in the first month of dating:

1.) Are you truly happy, or are you trying to make sure someone else is happy?

2.) When this person leaves, do you feel safe in the departure?

3.) Is this someone who nurtures the best in you?

4.) Is this a person who brings out my anxiousness, because of his/her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Addiction, fears, mismanaged time, and a myriad of other small problems that cover up, but not settle, your anxiety?

Recently, I dated a man who was simply stunning to look at. He was loving, kind, compassionate, and seemed spiritual, as well. However, as we got to know each other (about a month into the budding relationship), I noticed signs that maybe I was being drawn into something that could make me slip into my own addiction: Anxious Attachment. One issue, for certain, that stuck out was that he was five years sober. Though five years is great, this doesn’t mean that his issues about addiction were resolved. In fact, it may mean that he is only beginning to work on his problems. This seemed to be the case with this man.

In the past, I have described Anxious Attachment disorder as resulting from the inability or unreliability of one or more of the parents to attach securely as a child. The result is an insecure feeling when the child gets involved with the opposite disorder or in any relationship that pushes that insecure button. So, in dating this man, I realized that I had begun to do what no one should ever do in relationship: I began to placate his many issues by trying to solve them and be a healthy helper.

When I asked the questions from above, I had to be very honest with myself. I was way more interested in “not hurting him or making his problems worsen” than I was trying to find a compatible partner. And, to be honest, I was more interested in thinking about what this man would look like on my arm, than I was thinking about how he felt in my heart.

We have to test the waters of relationship slowly. We can’t jump in headfirst and expect to get a proper perspective. This is why we date, initially. We need to see if character and poise accompany the person to whom we have an initial attraction. If problems start too soon, you will need that space to make a secure decision about whether to continue.

If you are a gay man or woman, you may want to direct your gaze to my newest blog: Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. This blog is an extension of my Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/UncommonGaySpiritualWarrior/) and group meetings about the rare combination of spirituality and “being gay” defines the most important part of us, even in relationship. Join me at: http://uncommongayspiritualwarrior.blogspot.com/. 

Anxiout Attachment CoverUncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior CoverGLUTEN FREE COVER

A Cookbook, a Novel, a Self-Help Book, a Yoga DVD! All great gifts from your friend—Bo Sebastian. Simply go to this link at www.Amazon.com or type in my name. Find great gifts for yourself, family members, and friends by supporting another friend in the process! Thank you.

* * *

Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]

 

 

 

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“Girlfriend of Bill” #alanon #recovery #addiction

A friend of mine, Karen Nagy, wrote a very important book: Girlfriend of Bill: 12 Things You need to Know about Dating Someone in Recovery. I spent many days looking at the book, as it sat next to my bed in my cue. Even though I’m not a girl, I felt as though some instinct nudged me to read it. I actually didn’t even know that it dealt with a problem I just began to resolve in my mind. I recently released a budding relationship, because of a Meth addiction that I was unaware of. So, the content was important.

If you had never heard of the phrase “Friend of Bill,” alcoholics use it to keep anonymity at parties and social gatherings, while revealing their proclivity to addiction. As long as I have been dealing with addiction in my family and with clients, I had never heard someone speak this phrase, or it fell under the radar, where it belonged. In fact, I had to make a great distinction, of late, between helping addicts and befriending and dating them.

I had this amazing pal Kati (name changed to protect her) for ten years. We spoke every day, walked our dogs together, shared our problems, and knew everything about each other. But, what I didn’t know, was that, one day, she would simply disappear from my life without even a word. The reason she left, I heard years later, was because she began drinking again after 20 years sober.

The guy I mentioned at the top of this Discovery also disappeared for a week. In fact, disappearing and avoiding is something you can expect from an addict, usually in the early stages of getting sober. However, when an addict relapses, he or she must go back to Day One again, and again… and again! One of my dearest friends in the world is sober 18 years. I call him my brother. My family calls him a brother. My mother calls him a son. Yet, in the many years of our friendship, the one thing I’m absolutely sure of about addiction is: No matter how much a person tries to be sober with not drinking or using a drug, the psychology of an addict stays the same.

What Ms. Nagy does in this book is help you learn the language and mental temperament of an addictive person. Her technique is spot on, because she uses her own revelations, while dating an addict, to prove her point. I feel this book could be a great help to many people. You can count on one of twelve adults being an addict. When I use this term addict, it includes all people in 12 Steps, sober or in their addiction.

Friends of Bill are all around you, especially in certain social pockets. You are likely to have dated one, married one, or have a child or friend who is one. If you can get this book into the hands of someone who may be dealing with relating to someone as this, it would be a great gift.

 

Anxiout Attachment CoverPicture of Learning AloneProtein Powered Veg - pic

If you are a gay man or woman, you may want to direct your gaze to my newest blog: Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. This blog is an extension of my Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/UncommonGaySpiritualWarrior/) and group meetings about the rare combination of spirituality and “being gay” defines the most important part of us, even in relationship. Join me at: http://uncommongayspiritualwarrior.blogspot.com/. 

A Cookbook, a Novel, a Self-Help Book, a Yoga DVD! All great gifts from your friend—Bo Sebastian. Simply go to this link at www.Amazon.com or type in my name. Find great gifts for yourself, family members, and friends by supporting another friend in the process! Thank you.

* * *

Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]

 

 

 

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Instinct vs. Human Desire #humaninstinct #basicinstinct

A minister friend of mine, Dr. Chris Michaels, was telling me about how, out of all the living beings on the earth, humans were the only species who DOES NOT use our instincts to drive us. He shared that even though 7.5 billion people populate the earth, there is no DNA that is exactly the same within any living or dead human. So, out of all these individuated and intelligent beings, not one of us is smart enough to trust his dog to help him understand the nature of his own humanness. I think that’s the funniest fact I’ve ever heard.

I think this idea is hysterical because most of us have pets whom we watch daily greet us anxiously at the door, even after we have pushed them angrily away. We see how they don’t sweat the small stuff and focus in on what matters: Their Treats! I wonder what the world would be like if we all took to heart the message of our furry friends.

I’m not saying, let go of all of your human intellect. Oh, hell no! I’m saying that we have an innate sense in us, working to help drive us on the road to sanity. Few—if none—use it. If we do learn our lessons and begin to trust our instincts, we tend to go back to BASIC instinct, instead of our SPIRITUAL instincts, which isn’t the key, either. Our basic instinct is to allow for all of our hungers and lusts to drive us. This wouldn’t help the world at all.

However, existing in all of us—is the magic key that can open the door to the kingdom on earth—our spiritual instinct. How does this operate? How do we connect with the most basic, fundamental law of our minds and body? I’d like to investigate this with the idea of Dr. Michael’s insight.

If we can believe that our most innate drive is our spiritual instinct, then we could begin to accept that God is the most primal force in our intellect. Behind and beneath all of our humanness is a gut response that could drive us to the best decisions we have ever made. If you knew this for certain, would you begin to listen for this voice? I know I would.

What I do to differentiate my ego thoughts from my spiritual thoughts is ask myself two questions: which thoughts are fearful and which thoughts deny other’s happiness for the sake of my own?

When you put your instincts to the test, you realize that having an intelligent brain can actually work to a human’s advantage, when deliberating our best choices for a happy future. An animal can’t do that! But you can. So, today, ask yourself these two distinguishing questions and see where your head is and which part of your instinct is working:

1.) Is what I’m thinking coming from a place of fear?

2.) Is what I’m thinking a selfish choice, by not looking at the biggest picture for all humans around me?

 

If you are a gay man or woman, you may want to direct your gaze to my newest blog: Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. This blog is an extension of my Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/UncommonGaySpiritualWarrior/) and group meetings about the rare combination of spirituality and “being gay” defines the most important part of us, even in relationship. Join me at: http://uncommongayspiritualwarrior.blogspot.com/. 

Anxiout Attachment CoverFatal Virtues CoverGLUTEN FREE COVER

A Cookbook, a Novel, a Self-Help Book, a Yoga DVD! All great gifts from your friend—Bo Sebastian. Simply go to this link at www.Amazon.com or type in my name. Find great gifts for yourself, family members, and friends by supporting another friend in the process! Thank you.

* * *

Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]

 

 

 

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