A Lot Like Me #relationshipadvice
January 6, 2015
Do you find that you are more attracted to people who are like you or people who are different than you? Do you attract people who are different than you for relationships, but for friendships attract people who are more like you?
I have friends and acquaintances that are of every ilk, nationality, age, height, weight, and color. But, when I look at the intimate relationships I have had in my life, my list reads like a paint strip at Home Depot that has one color with five varying, similar shades.
I think the answer lies somewhere in the knowledge of how much you actually have changed your old story and worked on yourself to become a better person. If you like who you’ve become, you may want to look for the same attributes that have made you personally stronger, instead of someone who is vastly different.
Most psychology believes that we often attract, as our personal relationships, those who mirror people we have had bad relationships with, so that we can heal those old relationship with the new person. Even though our initial response may be on an unconscious level, we still are able to check in with ourselves as we become more aware of the types and attachment styles of those we date. We must see if whom we are attracted to presently are people who mirror abusers or people who love us unconditionally. This is the difference between trusting the work you have done on yourself and believing you are still living in the same old story!
When you meet someone through a dating site, the computer has already done most of the vetting for you. You must really read the biographies, though, and decide if a person is even worth a response. When I seek a certain kind of monogamous, spiritually and psychologically healthy individual who is securely attached, the ratio of likes to dislikes changes vastly. Again, read the biographies. People are apt to write somewhere in their bios something that really tells who that person is. If they don’t, you need to ask the right questions to tell who this person is before you ever go out on a date. Attraction can sometimes overwhelm you. You may end up entering into a sexual relationship with someone who is wrong for you, which is likely to hurt you in the end.
With intimate relationships, we often look for a chemical attraction, first. So, the likelihood of finding authentic and loving relationship is much more difficult. I don’t know that any of us can change responding from attraction, but altering our plan to include people who are more psychologically ready for relationship happens at these initial stages, especially with this new craze of Internet dating. But, that doesn’t mean denying a physical attraction completely. I have had friends who have opted to go for the mate who they weren’t so attracted to, but had a great friendship with, only to tell me that they have no sex life now. They are happy in all other ways, but have no intimacy in their lives. But, isn’t intimacy what is the difference between a friend and a mate?
So, we are back to our initial idea. Do we attract someone like us or different than us? When I put all qualities aside, I’ve realized that maybe it’s time to start trusting my gut reactions again. For a long time I didn’t trust myself, because I had picked from the same lot over and over again, with the same results.
But, I’m a different, more secure, healthier individual now. My heart definitely leans towards the loving compassionate person, rather than the person I can’t possibly get, but desire to do everything in my power to change his opinion of me (my old story). I believe, the difference in my dating experience could be that, as I have worked on myself to be a better individual and to change my personal needs to attract the right and perfect person, I should trust my gut to know who is right and who needs to stay in the dating pool.
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