Addressing Sexual Fantasies—Caught Off Guard by the Past
October 21, 2013
(This blog is definitely PG and directed toward people with fantasy addiction. If you do not want to experience the harsh truth about this subject, I wouldn’t recommend this read.)
I caught myself fantasizing about something… I’m not going to tell you the subject—yet. In that moment I realized that the fantasy was an old one, one that had started at a young age and protected me from the harsh reality of my abusive childhood.
So, I did some self-inquiry about the fantasy. “Do you really want ____, Bo?” “Would ________ bring you peace, Bo?” “Are you unhappy? Is that why you find yourself fantasizing about old thoughts, Bo?”
Notice, I use my name when I do self-inquiry. This personal usage asserts that I address my ego self with my observer mind.
Self-inquiry also allows your highest self to ask your body and mind exactly what it feels without judgment. You may address a sexual need or hunger by saying: “Are you really hungry, Body?” “Isn’t sex three times a week enough for you, Body?”
Do you see the difference between inquiring about a thought and inquiring about a physical feeling or urge, in the examples above? The first inquiry to a fantasy would be conjured by the ego mind, because the ego mind is where all of the data is stored from your past. Every attachment in your life, even your fantasies were taken in and processed by the deductive mind. The second kind of inquiry would be to the physical body and its urges.
Here is an example of fantasy addiction: I have a few sexually addicted clients who use pornography, specifically, one or two minutes of a particular movie to alleviate their sexual needs. This small portion of the movie often portrays a certain proclivity toward an obtuse sexual fantasy. Because the addict programs his mind with the same scenario over and over again, the movie or fantasy becomes a sexual need. It may also stand in the way of any true intimacy. One may use this portion of porn to fantasize even while having sex with someone he or she loves. This is an addiction, not to porn, but to fantasy.
This is why I speak of the difference between an organic bodily need and a thought. Because each need has to addressed differently. The thought is more likely to be attached to a fantasy or a protective mechanism, which is often known as an Internal Family Member, trying to keep you safe from something terrible you experienced as a child. (Check out other blogs on my site about this Internal Family Systems.)
The only way out of this kind of mind addiction is to force yourself not to retreat from the present or NOW. Pinch yourself. Listen to your breath. Feel the touch of your clothes on your body. Look into the eyes of the one you love while you are intimate.
If you can’t climax, don’t worry about it. You will eventually. Don’t get frustrated with the process. Reprogramming the brain is a tedious process. It doesn’t happen overnight.
As far as the fantasy I was thinking about—I had a sexually abusive past and an alcoholic father. So, I would always fantasize about my knight in shining armor coming to rescue me from all of the abuse. He was a specific type—tall, muscular, handsome but tough, and always able to satisfy every need and desire. He would carry me away and protect me.
When a gentleman of that type walks by me now, the attachment to that fantasy still slips through my mind, even though I may be happy and perfectly content with my life, which is my reality, right now. So, when the fantasy presented itself this morning, I asked myself this very important question: “Bo, are you unsatisfied with your life or your intimate partner?”
My answer to myself was, “Absolutely not!”
Then I said to my mind and directly to the fantasy: “Then, there is no need to fantasize about something that is unreal or unrealistic. You don’t know that person, you don’t know if he is mean, has bad breath, is nurturing, loving, or kind. He probably is not any kind of knight and certainly is not able to save you by any sexual act. You know nothing of that person, but what you see as a type. Types are dreams. They are not real.”
By that time, in my self-talk, the fantasy had withered away. The Buddhists have another great method of laying a fantasy to rest. They suggest to imagine the person of interest being completely human—dirty, getting older, going to the bathroom, getting fat, vomiting, or dying. Use anything that takes that fantasy into the reality of humanness. It works every time. But you have to be persistent with your mind.
Remember, those attachment thoughts coming up from the past as fantasy are likely to be in your life for a long time. You have to get used to teaching your thoughts and your deductive mind the truth, as you would a young child with a bad habit. Eventually, you will win. But don’t be discouraged, if at a time of distress, you drop back into the old pattern. Every time you start over, you get stronger.
Below is information that I will be sharing for about a month, as not every person on my list reads the blog every day. If you have already read it, just skip over it. Thanks for understanding.
A Year to CLEAR Challenge:
(Please Know: You Can Join Us At Any Point in the Year Challenge.)
The masses search outward for things that qualify them as a person, but I always go inward for that which quantifies me for greatness. At twenty-five I preached on street corners in NYC as an in-the-closet Pentecostal minister. One day I heard a still small voice say, ‘God cannot be contained in a book or a law or even in a religion. Dig deeper, reach further to find me, and you will find your authentic Self.’”
A Year to CLEAR Challenge!
The acronym CLEAR stands for (Compassionate, Loving, Enthusiastic, And Relationship-Ready). The goal of this project is to engulf readers in a weekly study that will transform them by removing blocks, promote self-growth, and give them wings to fly freely into daily life. Each week, by going to BoSebastian.com and choosing the Year to CLEAR Challenge tab, a new challenge or thought to provoke conversation, growth, and group functionality.
My vision is to make Finding Authentic You the book to have in your Kindle or on your computer. The book is a comprehensive look at growth—spiritually, mentally, and physically.
As a yoga teacher and student of the Ayurvedic tradition, I bring to the table understanding of physical challenges, the ability to overcome mental problems with Life & Health Coaching, as well as hypnotherapy, and expertise in meditation and spirituality as a minister.
The combination of all three in one book with an interactive connection to like-minded readers, for one year, is what makes this Year to CLEAR Challenge a must-do for every spiritual seeker.
The One-Year Approach to Change
No one believes he or she can change overnight. But success in change comes from the metaphors of nature. Seasonally, life changes all around us in nature. Finding Authentic You offers a gradual change perspective, looking at the triune aspects of change as in yoga: Body, Mind and Spirit.
Accessing the ability to change and finding yourself actually pursuing change must be a daily search, which I call getting to the “observer mind.”
In this frontal cortex of the brain we find the anatomy of change and the power to counter every negative trigger of the human process. The workings of Hypnosis, NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) are all positive actions to help the mind and body flow to a positive space for change.
Every aspect of FINDING AUTHENTIC YOU fulfills this constant need for diffusing the negative past and dreaming of a fulfilling future.
Step 1: Recognize That Change is Inevitable
Step 2: Release from Resistance to Change
Step 3: Understanding Change and Allow Spirit to Define It
Step 4: A History Lesson—About You
Step 5: Look at Your Past with Compassion
Step 6: Making a Strong Commitment to Change
Step 7: Dream Your Fabulous Future
Go to www.bosebastian.com for Week One Challenge:
TOOLS FOR CHANGE:
Go to Storefront to buy any of the following or make a donation to Finding Authentic You: www.shop.bosebastian.com
• Introduction to Meditation
• Smoke Cessation mp3
• Weight Loss mp3
• Hypnotic Lap Band surgery Mp3
• Insomnia mp3
• Eternal Om mp3
• Meditation Music mp3
• Guide to Meditation mp3
• Healing the Body mp3
• And my “Lessons from the Heart” book ready for your download purchase.
Go to Home Page: www.BoSebastian.com
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.
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