This discovery is dedicated to “the fixer” in all of us. One never knows just how much of a sap he is about thinking he could FIX the world or CHANGE people, until he decides that the house that is 40K less and is a fixer-upper, would be better to buy than the one that is already finished and pristine. Or, when she decides that the dude that is disheveled and has a few minor problems could be the perfect person IF he she could just get her “fixing” hands on him. For me, the house would probably end up a money pit. For a professional, perhaps, not. But, when it comes to fixing another person, this is where we have to say a huge NO! Repeat it after me: NO, NO, and HELL NO!
I watched a movie last night in the comedy list of Netflix called “Thanks for Sharing.” The movie was no more a comedy than an egg comes from a cow. I felt beaten up with emotion after the movie concluded. The story was about five addicts and their partners or friends. The message of the entire story was more for the addict to keep his/her chin up. My personal take was: In relationships, when you just begin one and you discover the perspective partner is an addict, run… run far and fast. You can do better.
Some of my best friends and relatives are recovering addicts. I have asked them the same question about dating someone who is an addict. Their advice is the same: Run!
Even an addict who is completely immersed in the program knows how much dedication it takes to live in sobriety. He also knows how much selfishness it takes to deal with her shit and have a relationship at the same time. Sometimes, you can’t have both and be sober. You must choose sobriety over the person (people) you love; otherwise, you’ll lose everything. So, with addiction comes much-needed selfishness. That selfishness, often turns into narcissism, which is nobody’s friend.
So, if you think that you can fix someone who appears to be the best candidate for a loving relationship you have seen in a long time, and you realize this person is dealing with addiction, just gently take yourself out of the situation as soon you can. You will save yourself much distress and pain.
Recently, I dated a man whom I had no idea was struggling with addiction to crystal meth. He told me he was going to AA, so I thought his problem was with alcohol, so I continued seeing him. After we professed love, we prayed together, did spiritual growing exercises together, he just disappeared for two weeks.
My pain went deep, because I was taken so unaware… Even more so, I was embarrassed, because I doted over this man to everyone I knew. He was so wonderful in all ways: successful businessman, spiritual, loving, attentive, funny, and sexy. What scared me about the situation was how blindsided I was to this particular addictive behavior—meth addiction. I have dealt with plenty of addicts in my coaching and hypnotherapy business, but not so many in my personal life. I had never dated an addict, so I didn’t know what to look for. But as I retreat in my mind to the last few months, I did see signs.
First of all, the first couple of months in a relationship should not be difficult. I don’t care who says what about relationship, the honeymoon stage is a given. If two people immediately start having to “work” at relationship, something is systemically wrong. Take a step back from it and ask yourself three questions: 1) What is going on here? 2) How am I getting in the way of learning this lesson? and 3) What gift do I bring to this situation?
When I look back, my date and I immediately began to have situational issues that I thought seemed easy to handle. He got angry quickly, which is never a good sign in relationship. I should have known better just by that sign. But I didn’t realize his almost bipolar behavior was a telling sign of an addict still using or about to use.
Since I have moved through the healing stage, I have committed to asking a great many questions before I ever enter into dating seriously with anyone. As my dear friend and therapist said, “If a person can’t wait for three months to have sex, he isn’t worth it.” I don’t know if I could wait that long, but I understand the concept. Get to know the person before your heart enters into to intimacy. If you see signs of addiction or relationship is more difficult than it should be, cut your losses. You can save yourself a great deal of pain.
Please check out my new book: “Learning Alone: The Love Song of the Anxiously Attached,” a look at life through relationship, particularly anxious attachment, and finding the courage to face life without a special love!
Also, A Cookbook, a Novel, a Self-Help Book, a Yoga DVD! All great gifts from your friend—Bo Sebastian. Simply go to this link at www.Amazon.com or type in my name. Find great gifts for yourself, family members, and friends by supporting another friend in the process! Thank you.
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Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.
Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.
Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]
- The Imitation Game #Imitationgame
- How Much Deeper Do I Need to Look? #psychoanalysis