The picture of the past can be a dark and unyielding temptation too often revisited. This very place holds yours worst enemies and contains a slow-killing poison that will eventually cause you to be addicted to dying slowly.
I found a story on Psychology Forum that completely exemplifies this obscure part of the mind that holds this pain:
“My mind feels like a huge encyclopedia of past hurts and wrongs, and I can quickly look up various incidents and emotions to remind myself of each failure. I have also never truly gotten over anything – just thinking about events in the past that were hurtful can cripple me with depression. I’ve never gotten over any failed relationships, and I hold grudges until the bitter end.”
This writer talks of how paralyzing PTSD and living in the past can be in his exposé about the past.
Continue reading below.
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Continued from above:
From Psychology Today I read another memoir about depression caused by living in the past; this one, however, sheds more light on what we must do to break the cycle:
“I remember one morning getting up at dawn. There was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling. And I… remember thinking to myself: So this is the beginning of happiness, this is where it starts. And of course there will always be more…It never occurred to me it wasn’t the beginning. It was happiness itself. It was the moment, right then… Not the past.”
I woke up this morning realizing how free I feel as a result of breaking a tie to the past that I hadn’t fully understood was causing moments of sadness. I had been working for a man who—for all intense and purposes—brought me back to my past every time I spoke with him. At first, he drew me in as a friend, then asked me to work for him, and slowly began a descent into control and narcissistic behavior.
His words and actions made me realize that, in my mind, I was still a child dealing with a narcissistic father.
The problem with scenarios from the past affecting the present is that we don’t rightly see what’s going on until it slaps us in the face with something fierce and ugly. When we begin to review the regression and see where we have slipped into old behavior is finally the point of salvation.
A depressed individual is rarely able to get this much clarity. Only after many years of therapy am I able to realize that this is one of the last relationships I had to heal to move forward. I’ll explain in greater depth below.
As I move forward in preparing to get married, I have spent much time looking at all of the romantic relationships I have been in my life—the mistakes I had made, the problems I could have avoided, and the ways I’ve grown as a result of experiencing each relationship.
What I didn’t realize was that underneath all of the bad relationships was a thread that had been carefully woven by my misconception of what love was. This was as a result of the narcissistic behavior of my father and my mother leaving our home when I was 7 years old. This kind of rough beginning can distort any person’s idea of what true love looks like. A childhood like mine can often lead people to dating archetypes that look secure (muscular, big men, successful and intelligent people, overly secure people, and overtly narcissistic people) rather than real people with real heart.
In this moment, my relationship needs are to feel secure, monogamous, and tightly-knit (cuddling, enjoying life together, and laughing a lot). I know that I have picked a partner with some of the same past that I have, so we deeply respect each other and have one another’s backs. I feel secure and that he is not remotely a picture of anything in my past. Of course, this is my hope. Only time will tell.
However, what has happened in the realizing that David is the right man for me is that I have had to see what was the “wrong man.” Interestingly enough, every person in my past scenario had threads of the negative relationship with my father. So, it would make sense that the last hurdle to living in the present love I have would be to reject any more abuse from narcissistic people (these are people who can’t see past their own perception of life to have any empathy for others).
Getting over your past is a fragile and difficult place to get to. I know I can help you with this, if a coach or a hypnotherapist is what you need. I have helped many people in this situation see light and overcome the darkness of the past. Give me a call: 954-253-6493. SKYPE sessions are available.
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