No one would have guessed it was I, the one everyone honored and cherished. I was the best friend, not the good friend. I was the cheerleader and confident. I gave to the poor and sat tirelessly by the bedside of the sick. I made myself a pillar of the community and of the church. I was the father of the year. I wanted to appear unblemished, because underneath I was covered with the scabs of the past.
My story is an age-old one. You know it well. I got married to my childhood sweetheart just after college. We had three children, whom I cherish more than life. I have been married for almost twenty years now and I can’t imagine what it feels like to be single. I would never trade my life for anyone else’s in the world. In fact, I have been told many times in my life that I am truly blessed and lucky. I feel those attributes like a mantel I wear daily.
Pureness and security brought me to my thorn in the flesh. At night, when everyone slept, I slipped into the den and turned on my computer. Then I could imagine what my life would have been like had I been my gay neighbor, my coworker with all the one-night stands, or my sanctimonious preacher from my church who remains single to show his unwavering love for God.
In those late nights I would watch snippets of nude movies and Google things I could only put on an Incognito Window, because when I was finished, even the computer felt dirty. But it was there in my den, late in the evening, I realized that the only thing I hadn’t done in my life was cheat. I needed to feel the essence of being bad to be whole and complete, to be a real man. I wanted to experience being in the arms of another to know the truth that I held so blithely everyday. I needed the juxtaposition between my pure life and the depths of something so vastly not me that I ached inside for impurity.
What was once every week or two in the den, became every night in the den. I would forgo loving my wife, holding her for the two-dimensional stress of searching for the perfect stranger to defile me for the sake of my own humanity.
After careful consideration of all the ramifications of my actions, I went to Craigslist and read through the ads, carefully composing one of my own. I made a dummy e-mail, a pseudonym, I made sure that whatever windows that were open were erased from the memory of the computer. Then, one night long after my intention, I finally got the courage to post the ad.
It wasn’t what I expected I would do. I found myself looking for a man, instead of a woman. Perhaps, because I didn’t think it would be as bad to be with a man. Maybe it wasn’t quite the betrayal to my wife. It would be just play. A man could understand a one-night stand, where a woman would be vulnerable, I told myself. Maybe I would meet another married man and all would be solved.
I remembered the pornography I watched in the months prior. What was it about any of those situations that I wanted to try or would be capable of trying as scared as I was then? Yet, I posted my ad. I took a picture of myself from the shoulders down. I said in the ad that I had to stay anonymous, and wanted to have a fling with a man, but wasn’t out.
A few men answered. Some disgusting. Some more lewd than I could imagine being. But one man stood out—beautiful and sexy. I could tell by his return email to me, he had some depth. I seriously didn’t expect him to be the man I met. He was warm and kind and passionate and more intelligent than almost anyone I had ever met. When I left his house, I found that I had to have more of him. Not just so much more the sex. I wanted to see him again. I pursued him like an anxious, hungry dog.
What he thought was a one-afternoon fling, ended up being a man captured by the grips of unbridled, unrequited lust. After a month of changing my work schedule almost every day, lying to my boss, lying to my wife about staying late at work, and meeting this man almost everyday, I actually fell in love with this man.
What do I do now? I think about him all the time. I wish I had not gotten married and had children, so I can play out the life we could have had together. He is my soul mate and my one true love whom I never expected to meet in my lifetime. A man, nonetheless. The only man I had ever been with.
When my wife went to sleep one evening, I snuck out to his house, because the only thing I hadn’t experienced was spending the night with him. I knew I couldn’t stay the entire evening, but I wanted to hold him and sleep in his arms for just a few hours to see what it would feel like.
When I got home that evening, my wife and my son were up. He had been sick with the stomach flu for hours. My wife asked me where I was. She had been calling me on my cell phone. I had left my phone on the desk by the computer.
I came up with an alibi about feeling antsy and wanting to take a drive listening to loud music, and didn’t want to wake anyone up. She believed me. She had no reason not to. We tended to my child together. I apologized profusely for not being there. Her focus was on my son, fortunately for me.
The next day I broke it off with him.
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.
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