Category: Sex

I’m Not in Love

A very large majority of what looks to be like love relationships is simply codependency. One person fulfills another’s needs, sexually, intimately, mentally, financially, or simply is a surrogate for all the love that he/she didn’t get from a parent or someone important in the past.

Over the last few years, I have taken a long, hard look at intimate love and realized that what appeared to be love in my past was really someone fulfilling a deep-seated need in me. When the need could no longer be met, the relationship dissipated. This happens so often in relationship that it became a pattern I had to admit to contributing to.

Let’s define secure relationship. Two people (not one person) wants the same things in a relationship. Each of these people are secure enough in himself that he can love freely, unbridled and securely. This doesn’t happen because one person is in need of something in the other individual. This secure relationship actually is a rational decision to love someone who is right for you. How many times in your life have you looked at love like with rational? Most times it is completely chemistry. Trust me, chemistry definitely means you are operating on autopilot and the triggers in your brain are defining your relationships.

Will you find true love like that?

We mostly don’t, which is why we end up in caustic relationships that need mending constantly. Solid relationships are based on mutual respect and complete honesty. If you can’t be totally transparent with the person you are with, you are with the wrong person. Love doesn’t disguise itself as hard to get. Love is gentle and cohesive. True love finds itself growing like a healthy plant, with lots of water and plenty of light. You don’t want moon flowers that only bloom when the lights go out. You want the kind of relationship that lasts through the night and well into the day.

I’m sorry if you have found yourself head over heels in love with someone who isn’t reciprocating. But you can release yourself from the bondage of that relationship by separating yourself completely until the feelings are gone and you can see clearly again.

Being an observer of your own behavior takes time and persistence. Not many people can do it. It is somewhat a spiritual practice, because it takes separating yourself from the humanity in you that causes your deficiencies.

I’ll give you an example. A married man becomes infatuated with an unmarried male. Every thing about this unmarried gay male exemplifies what the married man had wished he would have pursued as a young man.

Instead, uncourageously he decided to dismiss his homosexual feelings and get married to his high school sweetheart. Now, all he can see in this single male is what he could have been had he be strong enough to face his feelings as a younger man. Now he is trapped in a marriage with three children and loves them deeply and even loves his wife, but can’t get the gay male out of his head.

The lovemaking between them if powerful—like a drug. He goes back for more and more. He traps the single man into believing the married man is in love with him. But the truth is, the married man is in love with who the single man is. In the human mind, we can’t separate the two truths. But in the frontal cortex of the brain, where we can become observers of the two separate paradigms (spiritual and human), we can see that this is not true love. It is hurting both parties. True, secure love hurts no one in the process.

To break the tie, they must break up and never speak again. I don’t care how hard it is, they will always be a crutch to each other and suspend true, secure love from ever being attained by either.

If the married man discovers his problem, he can recommit to his wife and children. If he’s smart, he will be honest and share his deepest secrets with his spouse, so they can bond in a more intimate way.

If the single male is smart, he will never use this married man to be a surrogate for the father he never had or the father who was abusive and mean.

Both can end up in healthy relationships if they use the lessons they learned from an unhealthy relationship to help them see what they need in a solid relationship.

If you can put yourself in either of these scenarios, you are in the wrong relationship. You are not in love. You are in a surrogate relationship that provides enough glue to keep you together by a strong bond of interdependency. Remember: Our search is for secure love attachment, not avoidance and not anxious behavior.

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Who Can I Trust?

Lately I’ve been hearing horror stories of relationships past that have considerably clouded the idea of relationships present. In the telling, the question always comes down to the most enviable of ingredients in a sound couple: Trust.

How do you find trust? Who is worthy of your heart? Who is the person you can finally say to yourself, I can rest in his/her arms and believe I’m in a safe place?

No easy answer to this question exists, because trust comes from time—sometimes a long time of measurable actions and reactions to life from another person. When I look at the people I trust the most in life, I see people who have been steadfast for the long haul and have stayed and have been a solid rock of understanding, compassion, and love. This doesn’t happen over night. In fact, it sometimes takes years.

I believe many times I have been too anxious to trust in life. I have not allowed the storms of life to come and seasons to change to see the reactions of the person that I was with, before I gave my heart fully. I understand my mistake and realize I must be patient. “Slow and steady wins the race.”

I have a good friend who says that you should see a person through every season before you commit your heart. I believe this is more of a metaphor of life than an actual amount of time. Some people prove their good in life very quickly. You can see this, perhaps because they go to the same church as you and believe in a similar way. Almost immediately your heart and their hearts are connected.

Or maybe, in a way, you are what is called a “wound mate” with someone. A Wound Mate is a person who has experienced many of the same bad times and wounds that you have. Sometimes this person has had a similar childhood; sometimes they have experienced relationship disappointments in the same way you did; and sometimes it is just one thing like a rape, a twelve-step experience, or one kind of horrifying experience that most people never have in life.

With any of these scenarios, though, the propensity is to trust too quickly. Wounds don’t tell the story of a person’s character.

How a human deals with the wounds tells the story.

So, when you hear these horror stories from your new friends and partners, you need to be listening for the ingredient in a relationship recipe that brings a binding glue built on solid love. This one ingredient is the ability to grow “out from” a bad situation. This moving forward brings the seeds of love and compassion deeply needed for any mature relationship.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

 

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Defending Against Intimacy—A Master at Jujitsu

A leading psychiatrist once said that the critical key to finding one’s sanity is being a master of defense of your own emotions.

Jujitsu is not only a martial art, it is an art of defending oneself by using the tactics of the opponent to your advantage—staving them off, deflecting them, entangling them in their own force. I wonder if defense in our daily relationships should be more of a battle in Jujitsu than one of retaliation.

But the take I want to make on the style of Jujitsu and relationship is actually in the opposite direction. I was talking to a client recently about a marriage problem he was having. He said that his wife didn’t neglect him. She simply didn’t bring anything to the table in their relationship. She left the entire relationship, including intimacy, in his hands. She just did what he wanted and nothing more.

Though this sounds as if the woman in this relationship is not fighting at all, she surely is. She has become complacent with the relationships and has decided that the only way to appease her self and the course of her steadfast, status-quo life is to simply be in it, but not be a part of the intimate decisions that lead a relationship to be full and complete. She mastered the art of Jujitsu in her relationship and has parried every attempt that the husband has had in attacking the real problem—intimacy.

You might ask why someone would not want intimacy in her marriage. There are plenty of psychological reasons why a person would want to just give the relationship enough breath simply to survive, but not to thrive. One good one would be because she simply doesn’t believe she deserves intimacy (bad self-esteem) or she has never been schooled in the art of intimacy.

Also, intimacy and closeness takes a great deal of vulnerability, when most people in this scenario have led lives that have completely cut themselves off from understanding the message of intimacy. Perhaps, she could have had parents who argued incessantly. When the night would get quiet, and everyone would be asleep, sounds of weeping came from her mother’s bedroom. She would assume that intimacy would bring depression and sadness.

Someone who had been brought up in a very strict religious environment might believe that any sexual thought was being monitored by God and punishable by bad things. He may have seen someone close, like a parent, commit adultery and then later commit suicide or end up in a mental institution. Many scenarios can lead a person to stop the urge of sexuality and intimacy and cut themselves off from closeness for their entire lives.

It is only with a master therapist or psychologist can one begin to untangle the anger that has built up the strong walls around the heart that can’t move forward toward intimacy. Facing the demons and the tragedies in the past are the first steps toward finding the voice of expression you need to begin to understand your own heart and have compassion toward yourself. When you do that, then you can begin to try to understand another person’s feelings. With that understanding you create intimacy.

So the art of Jujitsu can be used as a self defense tactic in relationship to keep someone you honestly would like to love, but may never, because you are too afraid to face your own demons.

There is hope. Today is the day you can begin to uncover what is truly beneath the surface of all that you have compressed and compacted in your soul, from the time you were a child until now. You can begin to unearth the hidden you and finally get back to the reason you are alive on this earth.

Your reason may be just to learn to love and accept yourself. Then again, it may be to share your deepest understanding of human nature with those around you from what you have learned about your own life. That is, in truth, my story of how I came to help others through the traumas and struggles in their lives.

When you dig deep enough and work hard enough at finding the light that has always been inside of you, you want to lead other onto that same path of freedom.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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