Category: Sex

Coping with Rejection 101

Rejection doesn’t feel fun to anyone. If you asked the most handsome and most beautiful people in the world, I’m sure they would give you the same answers as the normal folks who have a few extra pounds and aren’t in the best shape of their lives. When a job or a person gives you the thumbs down, you feel like shit. I guess, if you are used to not being rejected, you feel even worse.

I have asked about 4000 people to answer a couple questions about rejection. Most of them rejected me!~)

If you are an anxiously attached personality, the first thing you would want to do is gain the person’s friendship whom rejected you physically. You would feel that if you could salvage anything out of this relationship, it would be worth not feeling the pain. Also, the inner intent is to show the person what they are really missing without having you in his/her life.

For the anxiously attached when it comes to being single and looking for relationship, this is the worse case scenario you can put yourself into. You begin to try to win someone’s love instead of just being who you are and attracting people who love you for no extraneous reason, such as you being helpful and nice and overly giving.

Many avoidant people love the way anxiously attached to avoidantly attached works out for them. They reject someone, then they use the situation to get what they need from someone who adores them and wants to gain back some of their love. As I said before, it’s a no-win situation for the anxious personality. Do yourself a favor and simply move on. Don’t try to make a friendship out of it, unless you know for certain that your intention is for no other reason than to just be friends. Only you can answer that question.

What I have noticed is that those who get through rejection fairly easily seem to have a mature outlook on the trying process. In other words, they look at trying something or asking someone out as simply a possibility, so a rejection doesn’t bother them. People who have a healthy look at rejection look at life as more of a lottery. If they try something then get rejected or lose, it’s just life. But they may try and get lucky too. So why not put their name and face out there and expect for the best?

My personal point of view is almost moot in this conversation. But I guess it would be more pertinent than I would perceive, because most people are more like I am than in the category of being great at rejection.

A couple weeks ago, I just said hello to someone on-line whom I thought was fairly good looking and had a nice profile. He responded curtly: “I am not interested. Please don’t contact me.”

I don’t know this man, but I took it personally. I looked back at my email. It was fairly innocuous. But who knows how many crazies he has contacting him. Or he might not even be the person in the picture.

There are people online who have been rejected a lot, so they post a picture of someone handsome or beautiful. Then wait for good-looking, self-confident people to approach them, only to slam-dunk them with an ugly response. This, of course, they do to fulfill a sense of redemption for all the pain they have incurred over the years. I have known a couple people who have done this kind of prank. It’s not pretty, but it is a possibility.

When you get right down to it, with almost 80% of our relationships starting with online introductions, we either have to learn to have a thicker skin about rejection or get out of the game completely. I know this is what I keep telling myself.

The one good thing I say to myself is this: “Look, Bo, you are very particular about the kind of person you are attracted to both mentally and physically. If you are allowed to be particular and reject some people, shouldn’t someone else be able to have that same right without any feeling of condemnation from you or toward yourself?”

Most of the time, I have to say that, if I really think on that question, I allay most of my bad self-esteem issues.

I friend, Mr. Thomas Brothers, who is studying for is masters in counseling gave me this wonderfully authentic and compassionate response for those who need a rejection letter that says something more than just: you are not it!

Dear (person):

I know you had hoped we would be a match, but there are things like chemistry and friendship that I find important as glue that holds a relationship together. I do not feel these bonds strongly with you. You are a great person with many qualities I find attractive and I wish I had for myself. I know I be wasting your time if I tried to make this work with you. There is someone out there who does deserve what you have to offer. I wish you the best in finding him/her.

Best wishes,

I think this rejection letter says it all perfectly. It is exactly what I would like to hear from someone I tried to pursue. Please feel free to copy it somewhere and use it when you feel it is appropriate.

Happy hunting.
Bo

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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Afraid of Intimacy

I sincerely thought I would never be one to admit my fear of intimacy, but I’m about to share a very hard truth I just realized last night about myself.

Yesterday I went to a wedding with a dear girlfriend. She looked absolutely stunning: size 0, black mini-dress bedecked with jewels. Honestly, I felt like the luckiest dude at the gathering. She was just lovely. We looked great together.

The wedding was intimate with only about 150 guests, but done to the hilt. So, we were sitting at a table where I knew no one. The dude next to me, shaved head and from Dayton, was with his wife, who abandoned him soon after sitting. The dude looked about as interested in the proceedings as I was and wanted desperately to get drunk and have as much sex as he could during his trip away from Dayton. Also, he wanted to talk about it—to me and my friend, which opened up a can of worms.

He began to ask my friend and I how long we had been together, which is when we started weaving a tale about our nonexistent relationship. It started out a little game, but then it actually became an alter ego of sorts for me. Suddenly, we were dancing and fondling and holding hands like we were actually together. I have to admit, the game was fun. Those kinds of “what ifs” probably go through a gay man’s mind every once in a while. What if I weren’t gay and this attractive woman pursuing me like a panther was truly my wife or fiancée? What if all I could think about was ripping her clothes off when we got back to my place?

Many people asked us questions about how we met, how long we’ve been together, told us how beautiful we looked as a couple. Their compliments were a real stroke to our egos. Meanwhile, we were drinking more and more. Our defenses were down. Suddenly, I became afraid of even the fantasy of intimacy with her. I wondered where this fear was coming from.

I remember my childhood was rife with situations around women, always. I had four sisters. Each one of them is a perfect work of art. They all were stunning as young women. The men they attracted were equally handsome, but mostly bad boys, as young teens are. I constantly wanted to protect them.

I was second to the youngest in the bunch, but still I had this sense that my single dad had no idea what kind of lives my sisters were leading. I was very dyed-in-the-wool Christian then, as well. So, I believed in marriage and saving one’s self for the right person, but I wonder now if it was a front for being afraid of the struggles I saw each of them face with their less than authentic men.

Because of having four sisters and one bathroom in our household, I would consistently see them naked and going to the bathroom and taking a bath. One of my sisters thought it was appropriate for me to see her put a tampon in when I was in the eighth grade, because she said I should know what women have to go through. Other sisters would knock on the bathroom door while I was using the toilet and just squat in the tub and pee. Looking back, to keep myself from feeling incestuous, I guess, I cut myself off from women as a sexual group completely. Then having had been sexually abused by two men as a child, it would be safe to say my fate as a gay man was virtually sealed.

I can see why I get angry when people say that the gay lifestyle is a choice. I don’t believe that any of the things that were imputed on me as a child had my approving initials stamped on them. So, I hope if you’re reading this, you understand that sometimes it’s not just DNA, brain formations, and the propensity to be inclined in one sexual direction. If you are meant to be something, I believe the Universe will do all it needs to steer you in that direction.

I’m not angry at me being gay. I’m simply saying that when you look at all of my past, you would wonder if there really was a choice—ever. My neuro-pathways were set at a very young age.

So, the moment my fear struck me between the eyes at the wedding, was when a gay friend from my past came up to me and began a conversation. It was as if, he brought me back to a sense of reality. I was no longer in this amusing little fantasy game, I was back to my authentic self. My gal friend who invited me to the wedding, however, was now playing the role of one of my sisters. Though I know for certain that isn’t the case, every neuro-pathway in my brain said otherwise.

I was the designated driver, so she drank to her heart’s content. So, when we got back to my place, I asked her if she wanted to spend the night, so she wouldn’t have to drive home. She asked for a nightshirt and crawled into my bed before I had a chance to process it.

Fate has a way of leading us back to our most intricate fears. If we are privy to the process, we can open our hearts to the learning and understand ourselves a great deal better. I believe the night showed me a little more of my past and helped me recognize an undo fear of intimacy with women in general. And I’m sincerely glad of that.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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A Good FIG Trumps a Bad DATE—Everytime!

I had a very good friend say to me last week, “Thank you for sharing all of your experiences with dating. Now I know I feel better being single!”

Dating is hard, no doubt. Putting yourself out there for rejection and trying to keep your heart open and vulnerable for the right person to come along is sometimes more than I can handle. This is where the good “Fig” comes in.

If you haven’t been reading my blog, the Fig is the man or woman in your life who is the friend(s) you go to for fun and to talk out the disparaging parts of your life—probably your dating life. You get from the Fig, what you don’t get from the date… though both are good for your digestive system at the end of the day.

The Fig is there to be compassionate and loving. The date—well—the vote is still out on that one.

Here is a good plan that involves incorporating dating with spending as much time as you can with people who really love and care for you. Perhaps, instead of spending the entire week looking on-line and talking to people to ferret out who may be the next person you would like to meet, you spend just one day doing the mating dance. Then spend the rest of the week surrounded by the people who really care about you and love you back to your strong center.

Or get a good Life Coach or counselor that can talk you back into sanity. The Fig and the counselor are great choices. With the paid person, though, you can be sure you are not burdening your friends with all your bad energy and keeping them precious and wonderful for your good energy.

I sense that some of the problem with putting ourselves out there for dating is balance. To face rejection in the writing world, whenever I would know that it was time to receive a letter from a publishing company or an agent—whether it be a yes or no—I would send out a new submission the week before.

When I did this, I guarded my heart from the idea that when I would got that one letter that my world wasn’t over. I had already started the process of submitting before the rejection had a chance to set into my subconscious. Otherwise, sometimes it would take months before I had the courage and self-esteem to send out another submission.

Some coaches would recommend that you sit in your rejection and feel it completely before you move on. I, actually, have become one of those Life Coaches. I have learned a lot more about taking care of myself since the days of submitting all of those writing projects. When I sit in the emotion I am feeling, it is now good for my soul. For years I avoided the feeling of rejection because I was afraid I would crumble and turn into a heap of emptiness.

Rejection sticks in our craw like bad seafood. The taste and digestion of it take days to process. So, if you know you are about to put yourself in a position of possible rejection, have some counter balancing people or acts of kindness (spa days) ready to keep you on an even keel. (As an aside: a keel is the longitudinal structure along the centerline at the bottom of a vessel’s hull, on which the rest of the hull is built, in some vessels extended downward as a blade or ridge to increase stability.) But, also, feel the rejection. Let it move through you and take you to a new level of understanding about yourself and the human world we live in and mostly bring you back to balance.

The truth is about dating, we are very picky about who we want to spend time with. I don’t want to date someone I’m not interested in mentally, spiritually, and physically. That isn’t a bad thing. Accepting that there may only be a couple people out there that really fit your paradigm of relationship is a good thing. So, when you encounter dates who don’t work out, you simply chalk it up to bad timing, the wrong energy, or spirit protecting from a bad relationship.

In short, the Fig is always better than the date. When the date goes awry and the relationship takes a turn, the Fig is always there. Make sure you honor and bless and love on your Fig, because he/she is the one person who is going to be there when the tumult of relationship ultimately leads you off of your good axis and into the arms of someone on an even keel.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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