Rejection doesn’t feel fun to anyone. If you asked the most handsome and most beautiful people in the world, I’m sure they would give you the same answers as the normal folks who have a few extra pounds and aren’t in the best shape of their lives. When a job or a person gives you the thumbs down, you feel like shit. I guess, if you are used to not being rejected, you feel even worse.
I have asked about 4000 people to answer a couple questions about rejection. Most of them rejected me!~)
If you are an anxiously attached personality, the first thing you would want to do is gain the person’s friendship whom rejected you physically. You would feel that if you could salvage anything out of this relationship, it would be worth not feeling the pain. Also, the inner intent is to show the person what they are really missing without having you in his/her life.
For the anxiously attached when it comes to being single and looking for relationship, this is the worse case scenario you can put yourself into. You begin to try to win someone’s love instead of just being who you are and attracting people who love you for no extraneous reason, such as you being helpful and nice and overly giving.
Many avoidant people love the way anxiously attached to avoidantly attached works out for them. They reject someone, then they use the situation to get what they need from someone who adores them and wants to gain back some of their love. As I said before, it’s a no-win situation for the anxious personality. Do yourself a favor and simply move on. Don’t try to make a friendship out of it, unless you know for certain that your intention is for no other reason than to just be friends. Only you can answer that question.
What I have noticed is that those who get through rejection fairly easily seem to have a mature outlook on the trying process. In other words, they look at trying something or asking someone out as simply a possibility, so a rejection doesn’t bother them. People who have a healthy look at rejection look at life as more of a lottery. If they try something then get rejected or lose, it’s just life. But they may try and get lucky too. So why not put their name and face out there and expect for the best?
My personal point of view is almost moot in this conversation. But I guess it would be more pertinent than I would perceive, because most people are more like I am than in the category of being great at rejection.
A couple weeks ago, I just said hello to someone on-line whom I thought was fairly good looking and had a nice profile. He responded curtly: “I am not interested. Please don’t contact me.”
I don’t know this man, but I took it personally. I looked back at my email. It was fairly innocuous. But who knows how many crazies he has contacting him. Or he might not even be the person in the picture.
There are people online who have been rejected a lot, so they post a picture of someone handsome or beautiful. Then wait for good-looking, self-confident people to approach them, only to slam-dunk them with an ugly response. This, of course, they do to fulfill a sense of redemption for all the pain they have incurred over the years. I have known a couple people who have done this kind of prank. It’s not pretty, but it is a possibility.
When you get right down to it, with almost 80% of our relationships starting with online introductions, we either have to learn to have a thicker skin about rejection or get out of the game completely. I know this is what I keep telling myself.
The one good thing I say to myself is this: “Look, Bo, you are very particular about the kind of person you are attracted to both mentally and physically. If you are allowed to be particular and reject some people, shouldn’t someone else be able to have that same right without any feeling of condemnation from you or toward yourself?”
Most of the time, I have to say that, if I really think on that question, I allay most of my bad self-esteem issues.
I friend, Mr. Thomas Brothers, who is studying for is masters in counseling gave me this wonderfully authentic and compassionate response for those who need a rejection letter that says something more than just: you are not it!
I know you had hoped we would be a match, but there are things like chemistry and friendship that I find important as glue that holds a relationship together. I do not feel these bonds strongly with you. You are a great person with many qualities I find attractive and I wish I had for myself. I know I be wasting your time if I tried to make this work with you. There is someone out there who does deserve what you have to offer. I wish you the best in finding him/her.
I think this rejection letter says it all perfectly. It is exactly what I would like to hear from someone I tried to pursue. Please feel free to copy it somewhere and use it when you feel it is appropriate.
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.
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