Category: Sex

“Let’s Just Be Friends!”

I had a second date last night with a nice guy. He was not the guy I would usually attracted to. I am sincerely trying to find kind, compassionate, caring men with the capacity to actually have a relationship. I thought, after a lot of conversations and a great first date, this guy was a good possibility.

He invited me over to his posh downtown condo for dinner, which to me, meant he was serious about getting to know me. I thought the evening went great. We laughed, we have a bit of touching, a couple kisses, but nothing too passionate, and spent a few hours talking about things that matter to the both of us, spirituality included.

This morning I got a text that said: “You’re a great guy, but… Let’s just be friends!”

To tell you the truth, I wasn’t too shocked by it. I had hopes that he would be different. But there were so many small indications that he wasn’t into moving forward after about the first hour. Although he sat next to me with his legs a bit entangled in mine, his arms were crossed though—a sure sign of protecting his heart. When a commercial came on the television, instead of focusing on me, he got irritated about something in the commercial—a sure sign he was trying to deflect focus. When I asked him if we could make plans to see each other again, he told me that his computer was off and could he call me the next day, even though I knew he made appointments on his cell phone and it was clearly turned on, as I had heard it go off several time during the evening. He said leaving the planning to tomorrow would be a good excuse to call me the next day.

Many of the things he did were what’s known as bate and release, pursuer-distancer, or avoidantly attached behavior. You see, he told me that his last partner had ended up being a cocaine addict, which he didn’t realize until after 6 months. He spent the evening tidying up and moving miniscule things around instead of sitting with me. By the time I left, even though he told me we would be getting together soon, I knew he had made up his mind I didn’t have the right chemistry for him.

When I look at what the right “chemistry” for me was before I read the book “Attached,” I was completely blind to the fact that everything I looked for in romance was actually just about the opposite of what I actually seeked. When someone felt like he was unable to attach, it made me more interested and attracted. Chemistry is just a good word for neuro-pathways in our brains that tell us we feel comfortable with a person’s mating dance.

The truth, if you choose to accept it, is that most of us have been looking for the wildest, most flamboyant feathers of the male bird strutting across our paths, when we actually should be searching for strong character and compassion and the subtle feathers of a robin. It was clear this man was attracted to me initially, because he found me on-line. He chose to have a second date. So, what I see in his behavior has nothing to do with me, but gives me a lot of reason to believe he has no idea how to search for secure attachment. You don’t give up after two dates if you have attraction and you think a person is genuinely sweet and nice. You wait to see if attraction develops, because true love doesn’t come from just looks, it comes from mutual respect for each other and is born of great friendship and time spent, along with attraction.

Let’s face it, when it’s all said and done, what you really end up with in relationship is a friend you share intimacy with. So, looking for someone secure is an art. Even when you feel as if you are on the right track, the person you may see as secure, may not be on the same path as you or as bright as you when it comes to picking a partner. That was the case with this date.

I did something I have never done before when I got the text. I deleted his number and name from my phone, without ever answering the text. I won’t be a pursuer again. That is my honor and truth to protect my heart and my self-esteem. I’m not going to give my power away to people who are not of the same ilk as I am. And neither should you.

Keep your chin up. Keep looking. That great person who sees you as wonderful and respects and loves you just as you are is out there. Eventually, if you can keep your heart open and vulnerable through this hard process, you will find him or her.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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Confessions of an Adulterer

No one would have guessed it was I, the one everyone honored and cherished. I was the best friend, not the good friend. I was the cheerleader and confident. I gave to the poor and sat tirelessly by the bedside of the sick. I made myself a pillar of the community and of the church. I was the father of the year. I wanted to appear unblemished, because underneath I was covered with the scabs of the past.

My story is an age-old one. You know it well. I got married to my childhood sweetheart just after college. We had three children, whom I cherish more than life. I have been married for almost twenty years now and I can’t imagine what it feels like to be single. I would never trade my life for anyone else’s in the world. In fact, I have been told many times in my life that I am truly blessed and lucky. I feel those attributes like a mantel I wear daily.

Pureness and security brought me to my thorn in the flesh. At night, when everyone slept, I slipped into the den and turned on my computer. Then I could imagine what my life would have been like had I been my gay neighbor, my coworker with all the one-night stands, or my sanctimonious preacher from my church who remains single to show his unwavering love for God.

In those late nights I would watch snippets of nude movies and Google things I could only put on an Incognito Window, because when I was finished, even the computer felt dirty. But it was there in my den, late in the evening, I realized that the only thing I hadn’t done in my life was cheat. I needed to feel the essence of being bad to be whole and complete, to be a real man. I wanted to experience being in the arms of another to know the truth that I held so blithely everyday. I needed the juxtaposition between my pure life and the depths of something so vastly not me that I ached inside for impurity.

What was once every week or two in the den, became every night in the den. I would forgo loving my wife, holding her for the two-dimensional stress of searching for the perfect stranger to defile me for the sake of my own humanity.

After careful consideration of all the ramifications of my actions, I went to Craigslist and read through the ads, carefully composing one of my own. I made a dummy e-mail, a pseudonym, I made sure that whatever windows that were open were erased from the memory of the computer. Then, one night long after my intention, I finally got the courage to post the ad.

It wasn’t what I expected I would do. I found myself looking for a man, instead of a woman. Perhaps, because I didn’t think it would be as bad to be with a man. Maybe it wasn’t quite the betrayal to my wife. It would be just play. A man could understand a one-night stand, where a woman would be vulnerable, I told myself. Maybe I would meet another married man and all would be solved.

I remembered the pornography I watched in the months prior. What was it about any of those situations that I wanted to try or would be capable of trying as scared as I was then? Yet, I posted my ad. I took a picture of myself from the shoulders down. I said in the ad that I had to stay anonymous, and wanted to have a fling with a man, but wasn’t out.

A few men answered. Some disgusting. Some more lewd than I could imagine being. But one man stood out—beautiful and sexy. I could tell by his return email to me, he had some depth. I seriously didn’t expect him to be the man I met. He was warm and kind and passionate and more intelligent than almost anyone I had ever met. When I left his house, I found that I had to have more of him. Not just so much more the sex. I wanted to see him again. I pursued him like an anxious, hungry dog.

What he thought was a one-afternoon fling, ended up being a man captured by the grips of unbridled, unrequited lust. After a month of changing my work schedule almost every day, lying to my boss, lying to my wife about staying late at work, and meeting this man almost everyday, I actually fell in love with this man.

What do I do now? I think about him all the time. I wish I had not gotten married and had children, so I can play out the life we could have had together. He is my soul mate and my one true love whom I never expected to meet in my lifetime. A man, nonetheless. The only man I had ever been with.

When my wife went to sleep one evening, I snuck out to his house, because the only thing I hadn’t experienced was spending the night with him. I knew I couldn’t stay the entire evening, but I wanted to hold him and sleep in his arms for just a few hours to see what it would feel like.

When I got home that evening, my wife and my son were up. He had been sick with the stomach flu for hours. My wife asked me where I was. She had been calling me on my cell phone. I had left my phone on the desk by the computer.

I came up with an alibi about feeling antsy and wanting to take a drive listening to loud music, and didn’t want to wake anyone up. She believed me. She had no reason not to. We tended to my child together. I apologized profusely for not being there. Her focus was on my son, fortunately for me.

The next day I broke it off with him.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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Blithe Love

If you put twenty single men in a room and twenty single women in a room, some of them gay, some of them straight, would they naturally be attracted to people who are of like mind or would they be more attracted to people who were of the same ilk physically?

Many people say that gay men are stereotypically socially all about looks, attracted to people either just as handsome or just as rich. These people are mostly gay men who are a little over weight and not average looking according to whatever standards make these ideals or socially middle or lower class (again, I know this is a judgment that I hate to make, but I’m trying to get to a point, so bare with me).

What actually glues us together? It certainly isn’t the blithe stereotypes of social class and sexuality. Blithe means casual or cheerful indifference. Most of the love and marriages I see today don’t even resemble true love and intimacy. At best they look blithe! Why is that? Were we attracted to looks and not to substance? Did we not take enough time to see beyond the shelf life of the obvious and notice that at one point we were going to have to live with the inside and not just the skin?

This entire on-line process of dating takes us to an entirely new level of blitheness. We must take ourselves to two dimensions just to participate in the function of on-line dating, otherwise, there is no chance at meeting new people for the majority of the people out there. Socializing has come down to the same standards as shopping now—on-line it is. It’s simple. We don’t have to get off of our asses. We can do it from our own home. And… I think it becomes more of what you want to be in your profile, than what you actually are.

I’ve noticed that many people put pictures on-line of themselves when they were twenty pounds slimmer or five years younger. I’ve been doing my own personal research lately. I’ve noticed that when I ask someone for a current picture, or ask if they could take a picture on their phone right now and send it, most won’t. My guess is that their pictures on-line are an image that they hope they could someday be perceived as again, but certainly don’t look like now.

But what I don’t understand is that when these people actually attain a date from their on-line profiles, and their dates sees that they don’t look like their picture, aren’t they just setting themselves up for rejection? I would think so. Be honest about what you look like for god sakes. If you are overweight and have some rough skin, don’t do a brush job on the photo with your edit brush. The person is eventually going to see you.

I suppose this is why most people take weeks before they get compliant and will allow you to meet up for coffee and tea. I’m actually surprised at how difficult it is to meet some of these people, until I actually do. Then I realize that I wasn’t talking to the person in the picture, I was talking to a person who hoped he was the picture. No wonder he was so afraid to meet.

Now I’m becoming blithe to all of it. I went to one gay dating site this week where men are allowed to post nude pictures. Just for kicks I wanted to see what some of these profiles said. Here is an example of one of them: “Into 3-ways, fetishes, hookups, but also would be into relationship if the right guy showed up!”

My thought was: WHAT??? Do you think the universe is going to answer your request for the right guy to show up when you’re looking for everything but true intimacy? This, too, is a judgment, but really.

Another guy post a picture of an erect penis over a bowl of cereal and butterscotch sauce drizzled over himself. After looking at that, I swear I’ll never eat shredded wheat again. Really? Why oh why oh why would anyone think that was alluring or attractive? At best that would give someone an upset stomach. It sure gave me one.

After being on that site, I’m not sure I want to see a man naked again. I have friends who are massage therapists or physicians who say the same thing. I can understand it. I felt numb and unresponsive.

But as I told my friend today: “We have to keep telling ourselves that what we are looking for is intimacy, not sex. We are looking for a person to fulfill the space in our hearts that will be a friend, a confident, a joy maker, and also an intimacy maker.” When you combine all that, this entire spectrum looks a lot less blithe and lot more real.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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