The Loss of Sexual Desire —Part II
It appears my first blog got some people a little angry. I really don’t mind that people have an opinion on what I write. I actually welcome it. Opinions are the first step to developing a good sense of boundaries. However, we also need to own our own opinions and realize that there is room for other ways of thinking, such as in religion and politics. Can any two people sit together and agree totally on those two things?
So, I see the biggest contention point that I had made yesterday was the point: does nonintimacy separate us in relationships. This is the paradigm that I don’t believe the readers yesterday were hearing that disagreed with me.
When one partner feels that he or she needs an intimate sexual relationship and the other doesn’t, the partnership has come to a great impass. I’m not saying that they can’t work through it, but anyone can see that a problem exists.
HOWEVER, If two people agree that no sex needs to be involved in their partnership, well, then, you have a perfectly fine agreement and marriage. Case over. Intimacy can come in many different packages for this kind of couple. It can come as an unexpected cup of coffee in bed one morning. Flowers for no reason. Cuddling together on the couch to watch a movie. Massaging each others shoulders. Simple care when the other is sick. Many people are satisfied with just that. And in this agreed situation, that is perfectly fine.
My contention was with the client who comes in and decides that he or she no longer can bear that the other partner isn’t interested in him or her sexually. What happens then? Does the relationship change? You bet.
If one partner is still thriving sexually, while the other isn’t. And the other partner has not desire to help fulfill the needs of that of sexually thriving partner, you have a big problem. I’ll tell you why.
What you may not see as the partner who is fulfilling all the other needs of the relationship, is that your partner is looking elsewhere now to fulfill sexual needs. It could start with porn and masturbation, then go to internet talk. But eventually, it will end up in affairs. This happens in epidemic proportions. If you don’t believe me, Google it and research the data yourself.
As a practitioner I have seen unfulfilled partner after unfulfilled partner wager his or her trust in relationship with his/her own intimate needs time and time again for the likes of a hint of intimacy after having been put on sexual hold for too long. You may not agree with it, but this exists.
If you are the partner that has stopped feeling sexual, I believe it would in your best interest to come to an understanding with your partner about his/her needs and how they are going to be taken care of. It’s not something that should be buried or not talked about. Trust me, if you bury it, it will kill the relationship. Or worse yet, keep the relationship going for years without you realizing that your partner is having a parallel life with someone else or lots of someone elses while he/she lives their perfectly normal life with you.
Can you honestly choose that for yourself? How authentic is that?