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True Independence

True Independence

When I was a child, I remember thinking that one day I would be out of the hell hole where I was raised and be able to exist in a place where I would get to freely choose what I could do and what could believe. No one would harm me anymore. I remember thinking that thought with ferver and strength.

I also remember studying every night and trying to be the best I could be, so that I would never have to work in the steel mill as my family did and those before me. In all of high school I only got one B in English as a Senior, because I was in the hospital and didn’t understand my assignment. All the rest were A’s. I was deliberate in my attempt to be independent. I knew that what I would need would be tools and brains to get out from under the regime of a hard hitting economy and a family tree of people who just never seemed to get anywhere but right where they were standing.

But when I left home, the ties and neuro pathways in my brain of home stayed with me. They kept me bound for a long time after I left. Though I was free to be who I wanted to be, I acted as if I were still under the regime of the drunken task master and the abandoned young child. I tried to break loose, but the chains of the past were much stronger than I knew.

It was only years later, when I was thirty, when I faced the past that I truly found true independence. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Leaving home without a dime, getting superb grades, eating Ramen noodles and 19 cent tuna fish for every meal for weeks on end, moving to NYC by myself was nothing compared to facing the demons in my past.

I remember the day of my first therapy session. I was the last person on my therapist’s roster. I must have been, because I spent 3 hours with him—2 of them were spent crying like a baby. I had no idea what was hidden inside. And even more so, I had no idea that what had happen to me as a child was not normal. I remember one thing very clearly, the therapist saying, “You were a strong boy, Bo. So strong to have endured all that. You should be proud of yourself.”

I couldn’t imagine being proud of myself. I didn’t know what that feeling was. No one had ever been proud of me. I had graduated 3rd in my class, gotten awards, scholarships, been casts in shows and musicals, and never felt what proud felt like.

I do remember my first time. My cousin had died in a motor cycle accident. I was asked to sing for the funeral. It was my dad’s favorite nephew. After the funeral, my dad hugged me and said, “I’ve never been prouder of you, son!”

Something inside moved… shaked… quivered.  I didn’t think I needed my dad or anything he had to say or do. But there it was out in the open. And I was frozen.  I had sung hundreds of times and gotten standing ovations, and nothing ever made me feel what that moment made me feel. Proud.

The truth is, true independence takes time and work. But it also takes a village. You can work your entire life in therapy only to find that what you really need is to cry on your own mother’s lap for 45 minutes and tell her you need her. (I’ve done that when I had a terrible break up.) I realized she was the person I was crying over, not the man who abandoned me. She was the first person who left me feeling abandoned when I was eight years old. I needed her to help me get through that heartache. Fortunately, for me, she was willing to participate in the healing of my deep wound.

For this country Independence it took many people with one vision to achieve. Independence for you may also take a village. Don’t be afraid to reach out and get help. If I can crawl out of that deep well of dispair, you can too. I’ll believe in you, if you can’t believe in yourself. That’s why we’re all here together. Because we need each other to walk proudly and stand up independently.

When the red, white and blue flag flew proudly over America, it wasn’t just one person who gained independence. It was many. And so it is with our own independence. Sometimes it just takes a more than just you. Don’t be afraid to reach out and get help.

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The Mark of the Beast

The Mark of the Beast

In the Book of Revelations there is a lot of talk about the “Mark of the Beast.” This mark is supposed to indicate the AntiChrist of the ages who will level the earth to destruction. Hold on to your hats. It is proposed that by a certain time in history we all may have chips in our hands that indicate who we are and allow us to pass through airports and grocery stores and gas stations without having to checkout. Everything will be electronically done and charged to our accounts.

Many Christians are afraid of this moment in time and would protest loudly to such a dominant move by government, assuming it is, indeed, the next move toward the end of the world.

I wonder about all of it. A mark, chips, 666, an antiChrist—I believe there has been an AntiChrist in the world ever since Jesus lived. Someone has always been trying to rid the world of Christianity and, in that day, certainly Jesus. If we want an antichrist for this era, why not pick the Nazi’s Hitler?

God has been trying to reveal himself through us since the beginning of time in GOODNESS, WONDER, LOVE, JOY, POWER, TRUTH, COMPASSION…

The antiGod has also been revealing itself through us just the same since the beginning.

In the book “Power vs. Force” David Hawkins suggests that true power doesn’t take an opposite response. But force, on the other hand, always requires an equal and opposite response.

If I were to believe that God was force, then I would believe that as the force of Good became greater in the world, than the force of negativity would become greater.

But God in His majesty is POWER.  God requires no equal and opposite negative response to Good. So, what need would there be for destruction, if good were to somehow disempower the negativity in the world and rise up to a place of Reigning over all the world?

Force, however, in the hands of people who want to shove their values down people’s throats and command them to be good, would require an equal and opposite response. Maybe this is what Revelations predicts. Maybe the beast is the Force that pushes the world toward destruction. Just my opinion.

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Where Is Love?

Where Is Love?

Remember the old song? Does it fall from skies above? Is it underneath the willow tree that I’ve been dreaming of?

The truth is: we don’t know where or what love is really. It’s intangible and can only be felt and seen and sensed by our hearts. It can’t be touched, it seems. Because when you touch it, it tends to disappear. Ask anyone who has had love and held it in his or her hand. It’s ephemeral. Doesn’t it pass as time does? So, what are we to make of it?

Do we continue to seek love when we know that it may disappear at any time, that it may die, fly away, wilt, or pass at any second? The only answer has to be: YES INDEED!

Why is that so? Even in the face of something that is so completely elusive, do we continue to need to seek love? Because we are made with love at our core being. Perhaps, made from Love. If that is true, then we are constantly needing it to survive. Those who try to live without it, end up empty and vacuous.

Love is a goal to achieve every day. Love is something you achieve as well. You wake up and say to yourself, “I’m going to be the best I can be and embody and embrace what I’ve come to earth to do.” When you start with this choice, love exudes from your pores and lifts you up to do any task or any chore you set out to do. Love also attracts love. So, if you want love, you must give love.

When love is taken away from you in one entity, it is always replaced with some thing else. You just have to allow the empty space to be filled with God, as a vacuum is always filled with air when opened. Air is like God, if there is space, God will fill it. Love will fill it.

I went to a friend’s father’s viewing at a funeral home yesterday. Though it was a sad occasion for some, it felt like just another day, as God continues to move through our lives, taking some home and bringing new lives to the earth. Everything is in balance. Though we grieved together, we also laughed. It is not in ignorance do I say this, but in reverence to the Almighty.

Today I went to Macy’s to get refund on a mattress I purchased in cash over the weekend, because they weren’t able to deliver it until July 14th. I was able to get the same mattress somewhere else, the same price, delivered today. But Macy’s wouldn’t give me my money back because of some glitch in their policies, even after telling me they could give it to me.

Steve and I waited for 1 1/2 hours in the furniture department while this poor salesman called every person ranked above him in the store and in the state to try and get us the money, to no avail. Finally, the store manager came forward, apologized, gave us 100 dollars in Macy’s bucks as a gift and pushed up the delivery date to this Sunday and apologized. Though I was aggravated with the process, I left thinking that the best for me had happened. I’m not sure why, but I knew that I was going to be fine with that decision.

I tell you the story because, I believe with all my heart, that love is control of my life. I’ve asked Love to be. I can’t ask it to be, and when something happens that isn’t to my liking say to myself, “Love isn’t fair.”

I need to believe that Love is more than fair. I want to believe that maybe I have a better mattress at Macy’s. It will last longer. I’ll  get a great set of 1600 thread count sheets with the 100 Macy’s bucks. Maybe I need to meet the delivery person because he or she is supposed to be a client. I’m not really sure. But I’m willing to believe that Love is here with me on this journey, no matter how it work out.

So, you ask, where is love? It’s always right here waiting. When it leaves from one place, it is always replenished in another. This is the nature of the love that created you and sustains you.

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