One thing I don’t consider myself is a Diva! (Even though others may… lol) Last night, however, I had a human moment that sent my body and mind into a whirlwind experience.
The back-story began with an amazingly spiritual day, full of life and light. My entire day before Christmas couldn’t have been more blessed. But suddenly, I get a text from a guy whom I was dating for a couple months and, without provocation or even a text, simply abandoned the relationship. I still have no idea why. But he sends this sweet message about merry Christmas, and I went deep into my humanness and into some anger, as well.
As I may have shared, I have been rehearsing for a beautiful candlelit Christmas Musical Celebration at church. The show was intricate from top to bottom with eight-part harmonies and nine difficult songs to learn in a period of three weeks. I had only been to four rehearsals, because I was sick for one.
By the time we got to dress rehearsal, one of my trios had only been rehearsed three times. I really was having trouble with the rhythm because there was no music to learn from, just a recording. I read music, so I heavily rely on my eyesight to remember the way music looks in my mind, when I sing it.
Prior to the night of the show, I had finally gotten the rhythm correctly, even though I was counting on my musicality to get it right. Suddenly, Christmas Eve, I couldn’t find the beat to save my life. We practiced only two songs before the show as a sound check. One of them was the trio. During that last rehearsal, every time I was to come in for my part, I missed the cue. Suddenly, I had a PTSD moment and a mental meltdown, sat down on the stage and refused to sing the rest of the song. My face was red hot and I could barely breath.
I found myself in a human moment that didn’t even resemble who I am as an adult or a professional. It befuddled me and caught me off guard. Even worse, the moment was in front of everyone I respected.
After I pulled myself together, I apologized, of course, and had to shake the feeling and learn the part before the service in 40 minutes. Fortunately, for me, I have an amazing minister and friends who believe in the power of positive prayer and, more importantly, believe in me. After our prayer together, I stayed in my truth about myself and about the show. I believed—as hard as it was to not retreat into the fear—that this was God’s show and I was simply channeling it through me. I gave my burden to God in that moment, and that became my gift.
The entire event that evening was such a grand blessing and everything turned out beautifully. Even though there were moments in the show when the sound blipped and feedback happened, I wasn’t, in the least, deterred from our truth.
As one of my cast friends said, “Behind every breakdown, there usually stands one thing—embarrassment!” He absolutely was correct. I hated looking like a fool in front of my peers and especially in front of people who respected me for being a music minister, as well.
The gift for me was that great feeling of having my humanness out there and still having all the love and respect I thought I would have lost in that moment. As always, our gifts come in unexpected ways, through challenges, mostly. As we let ourselves be human, with all of our faults, we can see through the lens of spirituality that life holds for us a great opportunity to always retreat from living completely in our ego minds and finding that beautiful balance—with Spirit.
The happiest of holidays and Merry Christmas!
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Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]
- The Christ In You: Your Christmas Gift from God
- The Empty Love Bucket