Dating No-no’s The Subtle-Avoidant Personality #relationshipadvice #relationship #attachmenttheory #thebreakup
April 9, 2014
Most single people are looking for a secure relationship. We look for attributes such as honesty, romantic behavior, capacity to love, authenticity, and kindness. When we see these attributes in a person, we become attracted to “the dream” of being swept away by love. However, one thing we never plan on is that all of the above is an act one plays to create the perception of secure behavior! This act is to get you interested and intrigued. Let’s call this the “personality trap.” You engage with this person and sparks begin to fly. Then, suddenly, you are in and he or she is out!
Yesterday, I went out to lunch with a gentleman whom I had been talking to on the phone and through emails for two weeks. I had only seen pictures. I have to say this man was average looking, but his intentions seemed so right, that I decided to meet him, even though I wasn’t all that attracted.
From the moment we met until his fatal last text was inviting, gallant, and honoring. We talked of everything from childhood to vacations and what intrigues us most about life. We had much in common, which always make me feel accepted and honored. He seemed transparent and, to tell you the truth, I was already going out on my next date with him in my mind, before the lunch was over.
We decided to take a walk after lunch and got caught in the rain. The moment was precious. When he bid me adieu, he said he’d call to arrange for us to go to the theater later that week. All of this seemed in order, for a first date. He appeared honest. Wasn’t trying to impress. He listened when I talked. He answered with forthright responses. He even went so far as to plan our next date. All of that seems to be in the category of secure behavior.
The only thing I didn’t account for in this kind of person is the “personality trap.” Is this really the authentic person I expect to see at the end of six months of relating? Do any clues exist that might help me decide if I have made a good choice, before I get the text that says, “I’m so sorry, Bo, but an ex of mine called the moment our date ended. We decided to get back together”?
I’m thinking, really? Are you serious? Why did you even waste my time with all that gushing and telling me how handsome I was? I have been running into more and more of this kind of alluring, yet avoidantly attached behavior.
The profile for Subtly Avoidant is: Get a person who is a little out of your league to like you by being honest, loving, and honoring, then you get to pull the plug and feel empowered! Dirty trick, right?
I wonder how many women go through the same thing? I know that gay men have been telling me for a couple of weeks now that gay dating culture doesn’t allow for many secure, monogamous relationships. I would have to agree. If what you want is a secure, two-person marriage, you better expect to wait a while for it—gay or straight—because secure is hard to find.
For much more information about finding secure attachment and about attachment theory, check out my new book below. “Finding Authentic You” will answer many of the questions I propose above. The book also has many discoveries about health, both mental and physical, as well as spiritual discoveries to lead you to your highest and best! Thanks for being a part of my tribe and helping me make this book be a Bestseller.
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* Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or http://bosebastian.com/Home_Page.php Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed. Please spread the word by liking the page or sharing this with your friends.