Dishonest Relationships Creating Idols
September 12, 2013
Sharon and I were talking about healthy relationships. She shared that the relationship she was in now is the most honest relationship she had ever been in. She felt that she could be blatantly honest about desires such as attractions to other people and risqué stories from her past. In other words, she felt that she was in a more securely attached relationship than ever.
I began to think about how this new paradigm for her may affect my reader’s relationships. When one or both partners in relationship cannot say—what for most people may be considered rude or inappropriate—to the person he or she loves the most, what happens is one of the people in the relationship begins to hide feelings.
What happens when you hide your innermost feelings from the person who is the closest to you? You nest the feeling in a compartment, like nesting a hidden file in a folder on the desktop of your computer. This compartment begins to get loaded with feelings that are similar in content. Suddenly, instead of a folder of feelings, your feelings become a trapped icon on the hard drive of your mind.
You wait until your lover leaves the house or, worse yet, you leave intimacy with your partner to connect with that private place on your hard drive. It begins to satisfy you like an idol, because this is where you can be completely yourself.
How many people have found they are addicted to pornography and fantasy because of their inability to share their most honest behavior and thoughts with the person they love the most? Being honest may result in your partner’s anger, but it is important enough to face, as it may become what separates you in the future.
I’m not saying that your partner should know everything that goes through your mind. I’m also not saying there are tactful ways to share your feelings without hurting the person you love. But, something such as: you see an attractive person out at a party. You simply say, “Isn’t that woman beautiful?” You don’t have to say, “I fantasize about having sex with her.” I believe that much is implied. But putting your feelings out in the open somehow dissolves the part of the fantasy that may become locked in that folder of unspoken, unshared feelings. And the folder is likely to end up opened when you are not around.
As an intimate partner, though the instance of blatant honesty may sting a bit, at first; I believe that I would rather know and be able to discuss fantasies, than allow for the worst to happen—be separated from the person I love because I was unable to be secure. Trust me on this, too many men and women lose out on perfectly fine and secure relationships, because they are unwilling to accept honesty as part of the relationship.
Honesty is the most integral part of a secure relationship. Honesty actually creates secure attachment. When I know a great deal of what goes through my partner’s mind, then I am more apt to be compassionate and loving in times of distress and misunderstanding. I’m also freer to share what I have hidden in my own little folder, nested way deep in one of my personal icons.
If you’re honest with yourself, that kind of interpersonal communication is paramount for great relationships.
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.
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