Energetic Loss in #Relationship – Part III
December 15, 2014
I have spent the last few days taking time away from thinking about relationship and seeing if I actually am a more energetic person, as a result. The answer is a big yes, though I feel a bit depressed emotionally. You see, to let go of the idea of Prince Charming existing, I had to let an old dream die. As I did that, now I’m feeling the grief process as if my prince actually did die. But it’s just a fantasy, not a reality. Relationship is what it is, not what we make of it.
I looked back at all of my relationships in the past couple of days, including the ones I’m in now. I see clearly that I have not gained anything but heartache from them and probably have the beginning of an ulcerated stomach from all the worry and anxiety. Maybe it is time to let go. But, I’m considering that the letting go process if more of releasing the idea that “Prince Charming” is actually NOT a real person.
To begin again in any part of our lives takes erasing the slate, starting back from the time you actually began to write on that metaphoric slate in your mind, to draw shapes and concoct fantasies about that mystery man. You must at look at all the ways you have been fooled by, duped by, disappointed by, and disgraced by relationship and wonder if the problem is somewhere in your own imagining, or that you have simply been attracting the wrong people.
I have spoken a great deal about the book Attached. This book highlights the way we are wired for relationship: anxiously, avoidantly, securely, and disorientedly. Let me tell you, few of us are wired for secure relationship. I have had the honor of being in the presence of a few of those secure individuals. They almost appear boring to me, because I am so used to and disillusioned by abnormally dramatic relationships.
I came from a very broken family with lots of upheaval and drama. So, every relationship from the beginning of my life took on the premise of drama. Even when I attracted that hard-to-find secure man for eight years I still found ways to bring drama into the relationships, because by God, that’s what relationships are.
I had a good friend for many years who couldn’t keep a boyfriend to save her life. Every time someone would be romantically interested in her, it was as if she would tie him to a stake in her home and keep a gun at his head, metaphorically. She was so afraid of losing this guy that he, eventually, would leave, because she sucked the life right out of him.
I see signs of this in me. I think most of us are on the side of neediness, or hiding our insecurities because these psychological attributes are not pretty. But the root of the problem of energetic loss in relationship has much to do with our need to control relationship, which means controlling other people. Controlling anyone is simply an impossibility.
When I think of the one relationship that felt secure in my life, it stayed secure because I was in control for most of it. When my partner decided he wanted to make choices for himself, we ended up breaking up. His first authentic choice was to have an affair with one of my exes, the seven-year relationship right before him. LOL. GEEZ.
Yes, I look back at my life and think: Does a relationship exist that could actually add to my life instead of subtract. As a result of this little exercise, I have decided to throw out all of my old memoires about relationships and start over.
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