Family, Friends and Emotional Boundaries!
January 31, 2017
Nothing in your social life is more important than your emotional boundaries. In fact, most people don’t understand how to create healthy boundaries, which is what causes them stress, anxiety, and anger. Having no boundaries or boundaries issues can also cause someone to create unhealthy habits to hide from the pain inflicted by people crashing over and destroying your personal space.
Creating boundaries is one of the hardest paradigm to accomplish in life, especially with family members. When you have more money than a sibling, for instance, and he or she asks: “Brother, I don’t have the money to pay my rent, and I’m going to get evicted,” what do you do?
When your childhood best friend pulls you into an abusive situation with a spouse or a child and leaves you there to fend for yourself, because he/she can’t make the right decision, what do you do?
I’ve learned from 56 years of life, getting stuck with unpaid debt, strangling triangulation (when 2 people get you in the middle of their fued), and unfair guilt, that I wasn’t put here on this earth to wrestle with anyone else’s problems but my own. The definition of codependency is for a dependent (someone who must lean on another for life) needs to find another to support their existence. If you are that person, you are a codependent. If you want to stay a codependent the rest of your life, have at it. If you don’t… read on.
To begin to establish personal boundaries, you have to know what triggers your anxiety. This would mean that you must start with you. Psychology Today (7 Tips to Creating Healthy Boundaries, 2015) says this:
Get to know yourself as best you can.
This means that you need to learn what’s really important to you, what you really value apart from anyone else.
Gaining access to your inner world by becoming familiar and comfortable with your own beliefs, emotions, feelings, and ideas is essential.
The intimacy you experience within yourself serves as your own personal relational barometer.
Once you have established this foundation, you can now begin to communicate with others (friends, family, bosses, co-workers) what you need to feel safe and secure and what simply “pisses you off.”
Continue reading below.
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Continued from above:
Establishing what is an emotional violation of your boundaries is equally important when you begin to communicate your needs. The author of this article above in Psychology Today’s, Abigail Brenner, M.D., a psychiatrist in private practice and has received her B.A. from New York University and her medical degree from New York Medical College says:
Psychological and emotional boundary violations include preying upon your sense of self and self-esteem, using what you’ve told them in confidence against you, lying to you, criticizing, demeaning, judging, or manipulating you, making fun of you, your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, trying to make you feel guilty or responsible for them or a situation, making demands of your time and energy, shaming or embarrassing you, bullying you, assuring you that their thoughts and beliefs are superior to and more important than yours.
Conveying our needs to the people we love can be exhausting, especially when family members maintain old patterns from the past. For example, my mother will continue to do the same thing over and over again, even though I gently remind her with the same words I had used 100 times prior. You might ask (as do most of my friends), how do you not get angry?
The truth is, I do get angry. But instead being pissed at her, I create a harsher boundary, one that she doesn’t understand unless her subconscious is being aware. I simply leave quickly after she broaches my set boundaries. I do this with other family members as well.
So, if the words don’t work, I show them with physical behavior that I mean business. If they continue to want me to leave, then they will continue with the unhealthy boundaries. Now, the problem is no longer mine, it is theirs.
Often, if I know I’m walking into a problem that has exhibited many times in the past, then I will share what I need up front with the emotional intruder. For example: A good friend asks me to help her with electrical problems (computer, TV, and mobile devices). She gets very frustrated and appears to be getting angry with me. This behavior makes me feel very uncomfortable and stressed. So, before I agree to do anything for her, I ask her to promise me that she will not act out in an angry manner. If she can agree to the promise, then I will make another attempt at helping her.
Don’t think, though, that when someone makes a promise to keep safe boundaries that they won’t test your strength. This is when you really must keep your promise to yourself. Otherwise, you will be the one on the wrong side of the boundary. Have you been inside the fence with a vicious dog?
If the promise is not kept, you must be strong enough to walk away or run away. Be adamant and strong! You deserve respect.
Start by respecting your own boundaries today.
You don’t get to this voice if reason or recognize it unless you spend time with yourself in silence, asking yourself important self-talk questions. This is like dating. You must get to know the voice of the Spirit by spending time in meditation and silence. This is the only I know to clearly download the power of wisdom and recognize the voice—IN TIMES OF TRAUMA—that is always directing YOU into safety!
Deciding on and living by your core values is a tenuous challenge. My many years of spiritual coaching and life coaching can help you with this. I have helped many people in this situation see light and overcome the darkness of the past. Give me a call: 954-253-6493. SKYPE sessions are available. http://www.bosebastian.com/client-praise/
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