A few months ago, I had an ex-partner invite me to his new home for a weekend away. In the past 3 months I have tried to make plans to get together with him. Each time, he always had something that got in the way. I’m not saying that he was making these things up, but I always felt a bit relieved when the messages came that he was unable to confirm our time together.
I also noticed that when I would call and leave a message, he would answer my message with a text. When I would text, he would take two days to answer. When I would email, sometimes he would take even longer to answer. I get it “my friend” is a busy man, a workaholic even, but any person with secure intentions would have to wonder about his avoidant intentions.
I wrote him a letter and shared that I was not feeling comfortable with moving forward with the friendship as is. I had concerns. We hadn’t dealt with many things in our old relationship from the past that had taken us to this new “friendship” place. What would I feel when I saw him? What would we say? How uncomfortable would we be and for how long? Would it be worth a 4-hour trip somewhere to try and rebuild a friendship from an old relationship only to find that we are both the same people and nothing has changed?
His letter back to me took full responsibility of all that had transpired in the past and said it would be worth persevering through the rough stuff to maintain a friendship that he felt was special and important. I was touched by the letter. Not many people want to continue relationships after breaking up. I guess I have been lucky that way. Most of my exes are still in Texas. But that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been hard to maintain healthy boundaries and friendships, especially with new relationships going on in my life and in theirs as well.
My point being is that how often do we really need to bring the past into our future? Are we making our present days more difficult by adding stress and unsafe boundaries to new relationships? I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve been thinking this entire “preserve the friendship, but let go of the intimacy” thing completely.
When you leave a relationship, it is for a specific reason. Most times it is because someone is avoiding you or relating. Other times it is because there are other characters involved in the drama. Sometimes, you just lose interest. I’d say, with the last relationship problem, the one where you have been together for so long you can’t imagine life without each other, there is probably a good chance to stay friends. But what about the new people in your life. Will they ever get a chance to really be with you completely, if the old person still has a 50% hold on you and your time?
I believe a time away from each other is in order. If for any reason, just to see what it would be like to venture out into your own space and feel it and experience it without the presence of the old shadows following along behind.
I don’t know how I’ll respond right now to this friend’s letter. I know that I’m taking time to think it through. I’ll ask my therapist. (Yes, I have a therapist. And if you have issues with life, you should have one or a life coach you can call and visit now and again to get through those rough patches.)
That’s what us Life Coaches do. We talk you through the pros and cons of moving forward into situations and then help you make solid decisions. So, I’m going to hold off on making any decision and have a good hard look at what my life would be with and without this person.
When I make that decision, I will be resolute and be strong, because that’s what it takes to make real life movement forward into truth.
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.
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- The Gift of Self-Transformation
- GP-PTSD—Getting Past Traumatic Stress Syndrome