How Attuned Are you to a Perspective Dating Experience
November 29, 2012
I’m going to write three different scenarios below. I’d like for you to read them and judging by the past two blogs, tell me if Carl, Mitch and Billy are Avoidant, Anxious, or Securely Attached Styles:
Carl met Jean on line. They got to know each other through a slew of emails. Before they ever got together for coffee, Jean had discovered volumes about Carl’s past and his beliefs about life. But had he she asked the questions that would clue her into whether or not he would make for a good mate?
When Jean first saw Carl she wasn’t all that impressed with his looks. He looked about twenty pounds heavier than his pictures. He was a bit disheveled and barely smiled when they met. Soon after they sat down for coffee and ordered, Carl told Jean that she looked as pretty as her pictures.
He began the conversation with the weather then cleverly moved it back to what he was doing in life. He had been pursuing a big account at work and was very proud that he just landed the biggest account of his career. Jean interjected that her career was going well, but Carl didn’t counter with any questions about what exactly in her career was good. He continued on about the money he would be getting from landing this deal and the big trip he planned to take with it.
Carl liked to go away by himself every six months for a week or two. It had become a ritual with him. Jean had learned that in Carl’s last six-year relationship, Carl started out living with his wife, then they moved apart and got along a lot better. So, they continued to be involved for another three years.
Bob and Billy had met through mutual friends a few times, but really didn’t know each other too well except for a cordial hello. Soon after one of Bob’s break-ups, he decided to try asking some friends to fix him up. Eventually someone singled Bob and Billy out for a double date. The couples’ dinner went great. Bob and Billy enjoyed getting to know each other through a string of stories told by their mutual friends.
Bob called Billy right away and wanted to have a single’s date. So, they hooked up that weekend for dinner and a movie. After the movie, Billy wanted to come in, but Bob was hesitant, because he didn’t want things to move too quickly. But Billy pushed his way past Bob’s boundaries by asking to use the bathroom. Once in the house, he leaped on Bob and started to kiss him. The kissing became passionate.
Bob hadn’t had a date in a while or had any intimacy for over a year, since his last relationship took about that long to wilt away and die. So, though Bob didn’t want to go quickly, he let things spiral out of control. They ended up having sex.
Billy stayed over night, but had to get up early to go home, shower and change, and get to work by seven. But the telephone started ringing at eight. From eight to seven that evening, Bob had gotten six nice phone calls from Billy telling him how much he enjoyed their time together and couldn’t wait for their next date.
Scenario Number Three:
Mitch and Susan had been friends since they were children. Mitch moved away to become a physician in Los Angeles and Susan stayed in Nashville to be a homemaker and mother with the first man who asked her to marry. By the time Susan was twenty-nine, she had realized that her husband was a narcissist. Her two children and she were at risk of harm if she didn’t leave him. She did so and had been single for about four years before Mitch returned to Nashville to pursue a private family practice. Mitch, too, had been married, but had no children.
They saw each other at a mutual friend’s Christmas party and immediate hit it off as if it were the old times. They had been chums and best friends, but had never dated. But there was something different now. They both were sensing a great attraction.
They pursued going out to coffee. Met to jog at their old haunt. They got together with some old friends. Susan introduced Mitch to her children, and they all had a movie night together.
It took about two months before they had their first kiss. But it was worth the wait. It was magical. It seemed that after that kiss, they knew that everything in their lives had been moving toward the moment that their paths crossed.
I’ll let you know in tomorrow’s blog which is which. Or you can email me with your answers.