When I moved to Nashville from New York, I immediately made a good friend. We hung out and had fun together. We fortified each other with daily prayer treatment and affirmations. We actually began to date and fell in love. I thought I was finally breaking through my old bullshit and creating a relationship that wasn’t connected to my anxious past. But as all things in the present often do, I was shown a very clear picture of how devious and manipulative my past could be. Just when I thought I had given up on ever last bit of my past, I realized that I couldn’t auction off my brain—the storage unit for all my garbage!
Those neural pathways to your past are firmly rooted deep in the recesses of your mind and aren’t going away, anytime quickly. I realized that all that I had done differently, after moving, is choose different types of people for my story, ones that would easily fit into my mind’s paradigm. I simply picked spiritual people with the same issues as the nonspiritual people.
One example was with expectation. We all know that relationship can’t happen without a bit of expectation. When you call someone, you expect an answer, if not immediately, then soon enough. When you are in a consistent relationship, especially an intimate one, talking almost every day, and, suddenly, you don’t hear from a person for 10 days, you begin to worry. If you come from an anxious past, you often blame yourself. You worry that you have done something wrong or that the person is no longer interested in having relationship with you. My anxiety level with this friend quadrupled with every day not knowing or hearing from him.
When I finally got word from him that he had been sick in bed for a week, I still wasn’t appeased. My heart thought, even when I have been deathly ill, I still have had enough energy to pick up my phone and, at least, text an intimate friend that I was sick and couldn’t talk or needed prayer. In the past, good friends even in the hospital who have had terrible conditions have had moments in which they contacted. What made matters worse was that I could see this friend’s Internet presence—seeing when he would sign on and off from Facebook and comment on people’s posts. Still, no word from him.
I couldn’t get this person out of my mind. Every time I sat down to meditate, I would wonder why I wasn’t good enough or handsome enough or nice enough to get the consideration I deserved in this relationship. I reached out to a psychologist and a healing touch therapist. The therapy helped me realize that my dependency on this relationship was out of control in my mind. I was not “acting out” on it anymore, but I was being blindsided in my own mind. My expectations about what he needed to be were plaguing every moment of every day.
What I needed to do was let go! Let myself fly to a quiet place where God was completely in control and trust that what happens to me is in the hands of Almighty God. Finally, in a meditation, after eleven days of hell, I actually was able to let go, knowing that whatever happened in that particular relationship would be for my best good, even if it meant letting go completely.
We can take control of our lives and our minds if we make a concerted effort to let our negativity rise and then allow professionals to help us move through the negativity to get to our greater good. This happened in my case with a lot of work and focus. Relationships are like people getting on and off a bus, sometimes. We have many opportunities to form them. Most times our choices, albeit different characters for a better story, are more about revealing our own issues, than they are about connecting for a lifetime of happiness. Letting go of what may be or what should have been is the key to freedom in all relationships. Remember: Relationships are what they are, not what you imagine they should be.
When I recognize that I have no control over anyone else, in any relationship, the best I can be is the most authentic me, right now. That, however, doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t require that those closest to me operate and function in a respectful and loving way. If they don’t, they don’t deserve to be in my life or yours.
A Cookbook, a Novel, a Self-Help Book, a Yoga DVD! All great gifts from your friend—Bo Sebastian. Simply go to this link at www.Amazon.com or type in my name. Find great gifts for your family members and friends and support another friend in the process! Thank you and happy Holidays! –Bo
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Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.
Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.
Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]
- Follow Your Heart
- “And He Walks With Me”