IMPOTENT RELATIONSHIP: The Loss of Physical Intimacy in LT Relationship

As relationships grow older, many life activities and responsibilities preclude and often take sex off of the table in marriage and intimate relationships creating what I call impotent_relationships. Is this okay? Do we need to continue in our pursuit of love with physically expressions to have a healthy, balanced relationship?

A recent article in Psychology Today entitled “How Important Is Sex in Relationships?:

Sex is like air: “not very important unless you are deprived of it; then it’s crucial!”

The writer, Isadora Alman, M.F.T. speaks volumes when she shares that sex in relationship is entirely dependent upon how important it is to each of the people in relationship.

In my own sessions with clients, I have found that many men and women unsatisfied with the decision that one partner no longer is interested in sex, get frustrated, angry and often seek love outside of the relationship. However, it’s safe to say that the unhappiness comes when both partners are not on the same page where sex is concerned.

I know of one couple who started out on different pages, but have  endured a few very difficult times, which has brought them closer than ever. They still don’t have sex very often, or at all, but the relationship has transcended the sexual barrier as they both near 60.

Friendship in Intimate Relationships

I’ve known many gay men who have stayed with wives because the man considered his wife his best friend. Friendship in relationship would be the most stabilizing part of relationship. A friend wants the best for the other friend and never takes responsibility for his or her friend’s problems or thoughts.

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Continued from Above

Codependency would immediately cause a mate to consider something one mate is trying to communicate to the other as something that will cause hurt and so much pain in the other partner that being a friend in times like this are just an impossibility.

This morning, I shared with my mate something I would have never shared with any other partner in my life. My mate is not only my lover, but he is my best friend—exclusively. I can share anything with him, including my hidden secrets that have felt so ugly that I wouldn’t imagine anyone understanding. But, at one point in getting to know him, we were just friends. So, we started off building relationship on the foundation of friendship. This is such a strong and fortunate way to building lasting relationship. I now feel that our love transcends that fatal flaw when someone just keeps heaping those hot coals of uncertainty and negativity on the pain deep inside that needs to be discussed with an intimate partner. Soon, the heap is too large and too hot that it boils over causing many problems in relationships.

Attraction by Pheromones

The human way of finding a mate is, of course, to be attracted to someone because of looks and personality. This kind of relationship, especially when moving towards sex too quickly often results in a fatal crash of different personalities trying to make things work because of the kids or religious reasons. This is good for no one. Sex wanes, it always does, and for a partnership to last their must be a solid friendship beneath to endure the hard times.

Counseling can only help the couple who feels as if there is something to salvage underneath all the “stuff” that got heaped on their basic love. A great couple’s counselor can begin to take off those unneeded layers and help the couple find the love they once had. But, when there is no real bond there and the love is based on an attraction only, you can be assured when those first_love_feelings get uncovered, most relationships will have grown out of that kind of need.

We all want to be held, supported, loved, nurtured; but, not at the expense of being robbed of autonomy and a real desire to mature, especially as a human being, spiritually and mentally. I’ve known many couples who have split because one wanted to grow and that other just wanted thing to stay as they were. No couple will last this kind of change without a strong foundation of friendship. Medical Daily says this about men and women aging sexually:

Men typically grow into sex driven creatures. Up until the age of 60, adult men think about sex at least once a day, according to WebMD. Women fantasize about sex too, but as men and women grow older they think about sex less and less. But no matter how old the genders age, an average man will fantasize about sex twice as often as a woman. Evolutionary biologists believe a woman has a self-protective strategy built into her instincts in order to keep her from becoming pregnant with an unfit mate. Just because a woman’s sex drive isn’t as relentless as a man’s doesn’t mean they like desire, it just means they’re designed for quality and not quantity.

The person growing is ultimately going to attract people to his or her life who is on the same path. Camaraderie is what ultimately attracts us to people for the long haul, especially as we grow out of our old basic human needs for constant and consistent sex.

As a gay man, I know some men who are my age or a little older and have sex drives that seem to be in over-drive.

Psychology Today says:

Too large a component of gay male culture is focused on beauty, youth, and sexual attractiveness. Like their heterosexual counterparts, gay men respond and react sexually to visual stimuli, namely the physical appeal of their sexual partners. As a result, beauty is privileged, and so are the men who are lucky enough to have it.

It’s as if they are trying to prove to themselves that their sex life is not over. I’m not convinced they are as interested in sex as they are in retreating to the idea that sex can matter a lot less when they have built loving, nurturing relationships that can stand the endurance of time.

My suggestion to anyone already in relationship and dissatisfied with the sexual component of the relationship to talk to your partner. If you come to an impasse, and you discover you still need a sexual partner, you may find that agreeing to opening the relationship but continuing the partnership may well suit your situation. Who knows, you may find that sex is not all that you thought it was. Or, you may find someone who can still love you sexually and as a friend, helping you to leave a stale relationship that doesn’t offer all that you need now.

I’m just one of those people who have seen enough relationships—a great deal of them mine—who believe that when you want to stay together, life can provide many alternatives. But, when an ending to relationship is inevitable, why take five years to release what no longer serves you and go through the pain of divorce again and again? Not every relationship is meant to last forever.

Let’s face it, nothing really lasts forever—not even the best of the best friends. Someone in the relationship ultimately dies or moves away, leaving the other alone. This isn’t a negative look at life. This is a positive and realistic one, leading to a better point of view:

When we recognize this reality, we can become more committed to the NOW and take every day of loving as a gift.


You don’t get to this voice if reason or recognize it unless you spend time with yourself in silence, asking yourself important self-talk questions. This is like dating. You must get to know the voice of the Spirit by spending time in meditation and silence. This is the only I know to clearly download the power of wisdom and recognize the voice—IN TIMES OF TRAUMA—that is always directing YOU into safety!


Deciding on and living by your core values is a tenuous challenge. My many years of spiritual coaching and life coaching can help you with this. I have helped many people in this situation see light and overcome the darkness of the past. Give me a call: 954-253-6493. SKYPE sessions are available.

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Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]






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