In the Arms of True Love: What Does That Mean? #relationship #relationshipadvice #securelyattached
July 12, 2014
Most people, even under their armor of defenses, really desire to have securely attached relationships. After many intimate talks with thousands of friends and clients, I see, clearly, that the majority of us desire to find that one true love and rest in his/her arms for the rest of our lives. Even the people who philander with others during relationship, usually continue on with the stable relationship to manifest security in some way, while they satisfy sexual desire. So, it’s safe to say that our bodies and minds are wired in the mainframe of our neural pathways to have a loving face look on us, like Mom did when we were babies, and tell us she loves us unconditionally.
The problem in life is that most relationships start out with security, but end up being dynamically contentious. Why is that so? The two reasons are a.) that the closer we get to people, the more intimate we become, the more dependent they feel upon our love, and feeling emotionally naked scares people; and b.) closeness causes people to get too familiar and often changes the level of respect between two people relating. (This truth can be about friendship or intimate relationships.)
Let’s look at the first cause. If intimacy is causing you to be scared, then you haven’t established a secure relationship. If intimacy, by definition, is causing one of the partners to move further away, then you have the dynamic of anxious/avoidant attachment in relationship, not security. Intimacy should draw two people together and keep them there. This is the reason why “transparency” in intimate relationships is the one factor that should keep intimacy alive. If we move away from speaking our truths, then our partners never know our real feelings. But, if we speak our truth, for example: “I feel, by telling you how much I love you, that you will go away and leave me for someone else. I understand that this may be coming from a past relationship, but I need your help to control those bad feelings. Will you help me?”
Above is an example of a loving, secure question, from, perhaps, a person who is trying to get over past anxiousness. The answer to whether or not she has a secure relationship is in the response of the partner. If the partner walks away, then she has an avoidant person involved. But, if in her fear, her partner takes her in the arms of love and embraces her, speaking softly, “You don’t have to worry about me leaving. I truly love you. And I’m sorry that you have had so many jerks in your past. But, I am not any those people,” then you have found true, secure relationship.
The second issue is about familiarity. A partner with a narcissistic tendency will use the information you have shared intimately as artillery during a fight. This is in no way fair fighting or secure behavior in relationship, and should be considered grounds for separating far from the abuser. You will know immediately, if someone you love can’t handle honest, secure relating, if this person chooses to use information discovered in closeness to get what he or she wants from relationship.
This is simply the best reason to cut your losses and start over. Some couples have found resolve in therapy, but most realize that no one, not even a great therapist or psychologist can’t change someone who bares the diagnosis of narcissistic. The truth is in a joke that therapists say to each other: “If, after a session, you feel as if you are the crazy one, the session must have been with a narcissist!”
[Chosen to show his new hypno-therapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and Given the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian, the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior, helps people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE. Challenge yourself with one of his 13 books, healing CDs (weight loss, meditation, smoke cessation and more) or his Yoga DVD on Amazon or Amazon/Kindle: Go to Amazon Here!]
The two books above are two of my favorite books to help people find resolve in their lives, while seeking spiritual truth! Help yourself to a serving of pure love and begin to read one of the above and begin your personal journey toward success!
[contact-form][contact-field label=’Name’ type=’name’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Email’ type=’email’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Website’ type=’url’/][contact-field label=’Comment’ type=’textarea’ required=’1’/][/contact-form]