October 27, 2014
I can still smell the distinct and fragrant stench of a friend saying, “I think I’m going to resign from our relationship, because I can’t go through another break-up with you!” I imagine the torment he must of felt, or the absolute frustration because he saw me walking down the same pathway of anxious attachment over and over again and could do or say nothing to fix it. Learning to be Alone and function alone is no game. For someone who grew up with five brother and sisters and has been in relationship for most of his life, Alone was scary and frightening.
A year after a two-year relationship ended in an impasse, my therapist suggested for about the sixth time that I try a couple of years alone. This time, she firmly said, “Bo, you have tried and tried to cover your insecure feelings with insecure relationships. Maybe, Bo needs to be healthier to make relationship work.”
If I’m anything, I’m a Virgo perfectionist. So, I wanted to be on the right path and, at least, try this Alone thing, though, I was petrified, quivering down to the bone at the thought of it.
I remember the first night distinctly. I had my laptop nearby, chatting on Facebook and some other chat device, I played a word game while I waited for responses from, at least, three friends, AND I watched television all at the same time as my massage chair was digging into the knots in my spine and back, trying to relax me. That first night was tenuous, to say the least. I used any trick to keep me from the silence, just waiting there patiently to heal my soul.
The next session, my kind and loving therapist of 10 years, said gently: “Maybe it’s time to take one activity at time away and see what is there that you seem to be so afraid of.”
Eventually, I would get down to sitting alone in the chair in my big home, with not even a dog, at that point. I would ask myself some pertinent questions: Why do you feel unsafe? What are you feeling now? Can you feel the support of this chair, the floor, even the foundation of the house? Suddenly, I awoke to an inner world of silence and communication that housed the keys to all of my torment.
What awaited me in the silence was God. It was like finding the Holy Grail amidst the screaming demons and tight roping over the hottest volcanoes to get to what quietly beckoned me for years. In the silence there was peace.
In the silence there was unspoken joy. In the silence there was release, from a world full of chaotic relationships. So, I waited there and learned to draw from this silence my personal power and love—like the battery that must discharge before it is able to take in a new and stable charge.
I didn’t last two years alone, like I had intended, but I believe I got to a year and a half. I can’t say I was happy being alone. But I did learn that Alone wasn’t so bad. In fact, I learned to lean on myself, my friends, my family, and most importantly, my spiritual foundation became the Absolute in my life.
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Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]