Midnight at the House of Someone Hungry (A Look at Dieting)
My eyes popped open at five minutes to midnight again. All I could think about was eating. The 3 carrot sticks, 4 celery sticks and ½ piece of low fat cheese I ate at 7 pm for a snack was rumbling around in my stomach like a boiling stew. I felt so hungry—more hungry than sleepy.
My wife was snoring next to me. She didn’t notice me getting out of bed. I snuck to the kitchen. My God, it had been days since I had been alone with food. I felt as if I would bust down the doors of every cupboard, trying to find the quickest fix I could: sugar, salty snacks, carbs—I didn’t care.
I started with some cookies. Before I realized it, I had wiped out two entire rows of Oreos and had drunk a quart of milk. I knew I should stop. But then that thing happens to me where I have to have something salty after I eat something sweet.
I spotted a bag of unopened potato chips on top of the refrigerator. I ripped into them, thinking the entire time of my innocence story I would need the next day when my wife saw the 1/2 empty bag. Then I thought maybe if I ate all the chips, took the bag to garbage can outside and threw it away, maybe she would forget she bought them completely. That’s what I did, as I licked the last bit of salt off of my fingers.
I washed my hands and face in the downstairs bathroom before heading back up to bed. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I could see the extra fat under my chin I wanted so badly to get rid of. I wanted to rip it off right there. I swear, I almost cried. Why can’t I stop eating? What’s wrong with me?
With my head down and ashamed, I went back to the bed. When I turned the covers over my shoulder, my wife wrapped her arm around me. “You okay, honey?” she whispered.
I didn’t answer. I just grabbed her tighter. I feared if I started to tell her what was wrong, I would really break down. I knew I would be better in the morning. I’m good at talking myself down. I can get up and know it’s a new day and that I have a wonderful family who loves me. It doesn’t matter how I look. I can convince myself that. I can convince myself that… until I stand on the scale. Then I’m sad all over again.
When did this start? When did I start hating myself so much that all I care about doing is hiding behind food?
When did every emotion get stuffed down with a piece of cake or a hoagie?
Must have been a long time ago.
A time I don’t want to think about.
I guess that’s why I’m here.
Standing on the scale.
* * *
Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to LOSE WEIGHT, Quit Smoking, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com
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