When I was a kid, I was very afraid of pigeons and black birds. These particular birds in Pennsylvania were seemingly mean to other smaller birds. They would steal food from anything that was smaller than they were. What I saw—even at that young age—was a narcissist in motion and reacted to the behavior accordingly. Even today, when people take what they think they deserve without considering others, my spiritual antenna rises. I begin to watch for other behaviors that might harm me.
What is so harmful about taking what you think you deserve, especially if taking your just due doesn’t steal from others? I have always been the one who looked at life as if I was the bottom feeder or the last on the food chain. Even when I deserved a raise, and I could give myself one, I would think I was undeserving. What makes a person feel so demoralized and less-than that he would actually keep himself from success?
I have spent many years helping people overcome the fear of success. Usually, in the foreground I find a very accomplished man or woman with lots of great accolades. However, the person had had one harmful and venomous caregiver or teacher as a child who literally stole away the person’s power. The instant that demon poured negativity on the child was the moment he or she gave away much of what would make that person a success in life. I feel this kind of pain and have compassion for it.
Even though to some I seem as if I have much going for myself, life has been a constant struggle to overcome old thoughts about myself. In my case, however, I did not have just one demons. There were many, but not striking at my success. What I lacked though was someone to really nurture my talents. As a result, the neural pathways that affected my ability to see myself as successful was quite dried up. I overworked, over compensated, and definitely spouted my own praise far more than I ever had to.
When I look back, I never knew how talented I was or had an attitude that I could be anything I wanted, even though I had the world at my feet. Instead, I sunk into a place that seemed easy to achieve and had much less criticism by the people around me. I became a minister. Who wants to be mean or critical of a minister? At least, that’s what I remember believing, as I decided to give up being an artist for a spiritual path.
I don’t deny that this diversion from my true path was a good one. I learned so much about life, spirituality, meditation, yoga, and helping others on my path; however, I never really walked the hardest path of all, the one that would put me on the chopping block of criticism 24/7, the one that would teach me that I am simply what God created combined with any other talents I have nurtured.
Even today as a author, singer, and actor, I have to endure many thoughts about not being good enough. But now, I understand that all I have to be is me. I can hone my skills, but the rest is up to the producers in life to pick exactly the person whom he or she needs for the project or the “public to vote,” as in most reality shows.
Most of the time, me getting or not getting a part has nothing to do with the quality of my work. I know this because I have successfully gained many roles and also have not gotten as many roles. If I was bad at what I did, I would get no roles and just Mom would think I was a star. This, at least, is my litmus test now and keeps me going.
In the meantime, I continue to give to the world from the coffer of my gut belief and authentic self. I never have qualms with what I give. I simply create and give. This is our nature as spirit in human flesh. This I realize daily.
I know this is meant of that special someone who needs a boost today.
Bless you and know that you are a unique and wonderful person!
- Meditation for A New World (XII): In the Eye of Disaster or Peace?
- Release My Fears!