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Sex that Destroys Intimacy

Sex that May Destroy Intimacy

I had a great lunch with a friend and Tantra Therapist, Karen Stevens. We talked about how two people can be moving toward incredible intimacy. But the minute the drive towards a sexual orgasm is introduced, the entire essence of the intimacy can be lost.

I don’t know about you, but the older I get, the more I’m interested in the intimacy and the less I’m interested in the finality.

Intimacy in Tantra is about prolonging the sexual drive and moving slowly through the chakras to fulfill a vastly different kind of sexual experience than we have been trained to believe is possible—an intimate one.

I wonder if it is probable to retrain our bodies and our thinking to get to a place where true intimacy and sexuality can co-abide without one usurping the other. I think I have been there a few times in my life, but not many. Most times, the intimacy has been so vastly satisfying that I settled for not ruining it with a play toward the sexual. Other times my partners have moved toward sexuality without balancing intimacy with sensuality. That’s a tough one to manage. No blame there. I’m not sure I all that adept.

The play is like that game Operation, where a steady hand can win the game, but one wrong move can cause a screaming buzzard that can ruin the entire experience.

The problem is that we have all been designed, especially as younger people, to want and move with the urge toward fulfilling our sexual need. So, we start with enough of the intimacy to get the mood going. Then when the time is right, we shift from closely knit hearts and communicating at an amazingly spiritual level to this completely carnal level, leaving us to feel naked and empty at the end.

We cuddle for a moment or two. Then it’s towels being thrown at each other and time to clean up the mess. It goes from warm and soft—to messy and time for a shower.

I have a fantasy that would look like this: I walk into my bedroom and there are candles lit, fresh flower pedals on the bed, soft jazz playing in the background, and a very clean and fresh-mouthed lover waiting to lead me to my bed for a warm oil massage.

My partner takes off my clothes slowly and lays me on my stomach with plush pillows all around. Then disrobes. Slowly and gently the touch begins—loving, warm, heartfelt, compassionate touch. Brushes of hair on my skin. Tender kisses on my neck.

Soon the hands are not the only things massaging my body. Our bodies begin to massage each other—legs entangling and feet rubbing legs, chests and backs pressing into each other.

There is an uncontrollable urge to turn around. I can no longer stand not to be kissing and locked in the warm embrace of the one who his making every cell in my body awaken with pleasure.

The kisses start off tender. Our lips barely touch. Our tongues softly sweep across the moistness there, moving deeper into each other’s mouths. Before you know it, the kissing is the power and the bodies are enmeshed. The fire between us is ignited.

We look into each other’s eyes. There is a distinct knowing what is next. There is no guessing. If you have to guess, if you have to try, you are not in the moment, you are not feeling the instinct that drives this moment.

This is where the problem begins. This is usually where the sex wins out. But what do we really want here? We want to be filled with, consumed with this divine intercourse of love that is in metaphor lovemaking. So, why do we skip over the most important parts to get to the end?

I say, let’s try a little harder to get to the real intent of our lovemaking. Let’s let our hearts drive our passion and see where it leads us this week. We may never have an orgasm. Or just one of us may and the other might not. Is that such a bad thing? What is your heart leading you to? What are your souls in unison wanting to dance together to create?

Let that be our goal.

(If you’re interested in learning more about Tantra, email me for Karen’s information.)

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