Sitting with Your Struggle #gettingoverchallenges
February 17, 2014
Since more people who are in pain than are in love seem to surface around the lover’s holiday—Valentine’s Day, I decided to focus in on the struggles of being single or getting over hard challenges in your life. I had a great talk with a friend yesterday about his laissez-faire attitude about relationships. She seemed to be perfectly okay with his life without someone intimate to share his life. I asked her some pertinent questions about her attitude to find that work and friendships meant more to her than most people who really desire intimate love. I also noticed that being alone and being lonely seemed to be two very separate entities.
So, what single, happy people know is this: To have a successful life,
- one must create a workspace that brings him/her joy, the ability to create, offer accolades and financial gain, and use up a great deal of time usually spent pining over loneliness;
- one must develop really good friends with whom they spend those special holidays and weekends with; and
- be independent and confident in one’s own life without another person in it.
Thus, we see that this doesn’t mean that deep down inside this person doesn’t want relationship, she simply just doesn’t “depend” on it for a happy life. I like how my friend did not feel interdependent about an intimate partner. For sure, this person does not have anxious attachment. But, and here is the big butt (lol), is this person happy with not having a relationship actually an avoidant personality, really wanting relationship, but clouding her life with everything but intimacy because she is secretly scared of vulnerability?
I asked my friend that question. Her response was great: “It’s not that I don’t want relationship. I just see so many relationships around me that are just playing games. They aren’t really relating. They are going through the motions just to be in an intimate relationship. I don’t want that at all.”
That satisfied my curiosity. I believe my friend is getting comfortable in her own skin and with her own life. Soon, if the right person comes along, she will be ready to make room with work and in her social life for the right person. But, using the other areas of her life to keep her satisfied and not pining for unrealistic intimacy is a sure way to keep her in a secure place until the right person comes along.
But, let’s just say that every thing in your life is right. You feel happy about your work, your home, your social life, and comfortable being by yourself. Now, someone comes into your life with whom you desire to pursue intimacy. How open should you make yourself and quickly should you become transparent to this person? This is where a healthy person has to make some deductive decisions about relationship.
At first, you have to get to know the person. I know that in most of our relationships, we are so hungry for physical intimacy that we rush into it quickly. But, trust me, you are making the wrong decision. You must learn about how a person acts and will respond before you open your heart to that kind of vulnerability. If you don’t, you will be sitting by the phone waiting for return calls and wonder why you even tried to pursue a life outside your comfort zone.
I talked to another friend who was just about through with relationships in the same week. He decided he had had enough hurting from people not responding to his wishes. During our conversations, we realized that what his problem had been was opening up his heart too quickly, and also not sharing his faults with the person he pursued. Listen, you trying to be someone you’re not, is never going to help you find that perfect person. You have to be yourself and communicate your needs early on in the relationship. For instance, I am what’s known as “Sensory Defensive.” (I have a few articles written about this in www.findingauthenticyou.com. Check them out.)
When you are sensory defensive, you become a little anxious about life and about people. Basically, you are afraid everyone is going to cause one of your triggers to go off. A sensory defensive person has triggers around sound, taste, smells, crowds, and usually has pain issues, usually including migraines. In other words, being over stimulated in any of these areas can cause more pain or discomfort. If I never shared this with a person I’m trying to have relationship with, I would never being in a secure place. Start out being authentic, and see where that leads you. You will find quickly if the person you pursue is compassionate and able to bend, which is a securely attached person.
On a separate note, I hope you get a chance to enjoy my new book, “Finding Authentic You.” There are 365 daily spirit-mind-body discoveries. You can now find it on Amazon and Amazon Kindle. Below are the links. If you’re like to follow along with a group, there is also an online Year to Clear Challenge described below.
TOOLS FOR CHANGE:
Go to Storefront to buy any of the following or make a donation to Finding Authentic You: www.shop.bosebastian.com
• Introduction to Meditation
• Smoke Cessation mp3
• Weight Loss mp3
• Hypnotic Lap Band surgery Mp3
• Insomnia mp3
• Eternal Om mp3
• Meditation Music mp3
• Guide to Meditation mp3
• Healing the Body mp3
• And my “Lessons from the Heart” book ready for your download purchase.
Go to Home Page: www.BoSebastian.com
New Challenge: Go to Week 13 of the “Year to CLEAR Challenge” at www.Bosebastian.com
Go to www.bosebastian.com for Week One to Four Challenges:
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.
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Also, look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to Effective Change” with a Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my Website in the Webstore. Thanks!