Tag: 12-steps

“Girlfriend of Bill” #alanon #recovery #addiction

A friend of mine, Karen Nagy, wrote a very important book: Girlfriend of Bill: 12 Things You need to Know about Dating Someone in Recovery. I spent many days looking at the book, as it sat next to my bed in my cue. Even though I’m not a girl, I felt as though some instinct nudged me to read it. I actually didn’t even know that it dealt with a problem I just began to resolve in my mind. I recently released a budding relationship, because of a Meth addiction that I was unaware of. So, the content was important.

If you had never heard of the phrase “Friend of Bill,” alcoholics use it to keep anonymity at parties and social gatherings, while revealing their proclivity to addiction. As long as I have been dealing with addiction in my family and with clients, I had never heard someone speak this phrase, or it fell under the radar, where it belonged. In fact, I had to make a great distinction, of late, between helping addicts and befriending and dating them.

I had this amazing pal Kati (name changed to protect her) for ten years. We spoke every day, walked our dogs together, shared our problems, and knew everything about each other. But, what I didn’t know, was that, one day, she would simply disappear from my life without even a word. The reason she left, I heard years later, was because she began drinking again after 20 years sober.

The guy I mentioned at the top of this Discovery also disappeared for a week. In fact, disappearing and avoiding is something you can expect from an addict, usually in the early stages of getting sober. However, when an addict relapses, he or she must go back to Day One again, and again… and again! One of my dearest friends in the world is sober 18 years. I call him my brother. My family calls him a brother. My mother calls him a son. Yet, in the many years of our friendship, the one thing I’m absolutely sure of about addiction is: No matter how much a person tries to be sober with not drinking or using a drug, the psychology of an addict stays the same.

What Ms. Nagy does in this book is help you learn the language and mental temperament of an addictive person. Her technique is spot on, because she uses her own revelations, while dating an addict, to prove her point. I feel this book could be a great help to many people. You can count on one of twelve adults being an addict. When I use this term addict, it includes all people in 12 Steps, sober or in their addiction.

Friends of Bill are all around you, especially in certain social pockets. You are likely to have dated one, married one, or have a child or friend who is one. If you can get this book into the hands of someone who may be dealing with relating to someone as this, it would be a great gift.

 

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If you are a gay man or woman, you may want to direct your gaze to my newest blog: Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. This blog is an extension of my Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/UncommonGaySpiritualWarrior/) and group meetings about the rare combination of spirituality and “being gay” defines the most important part of us, even in relationship. Join me at: http://uncommongayspiritualwarrior.blogspot.com/. 

A Cookbook, a Novel, a Self-Help Book, a Yoga DVD! All great gifts from your friend—Bo Sebastian. Simply go to this link at www.Amazon.com or type in my name. Find great gifts for yourself, family members, and friends by supporting another friend in the process! Thank you.

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Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]

 

 

 

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Betting on a Winner #addiction #datingaddicts

This discovery is dedicated to “the fixer” in all of us. One never knows just how much of a sap he is about thinking he could FIX the world or CHANGE people, until he decides that the house that is 40K less and is a fixer-upper, would be better to buy than the one that is already finished and pristine. Or, when she decides that the dude that is disheveled and has a few minor problems could be the perfect person IF he she could just get her “fixing” hands on him. For me, the house would probably end up a money pit. For a professional, perhaps, not. But, when it comes to fixing another person, this is where we have to say a huge NO! Repeat it after me: NO, NO, and HELL NO!

I watched a movie last night in the comedy list of Netflix called “Thanks for Sharing.” The movie was no more a comedy than an egg comes from a cow. I felt beaten up with emotion after the movie concluded. The story was about five addicts and their partners or friends. The message of the entire story was more for the addict to keep his/her chin up. My personal take was: In relationships, when you just begin one and you discover the perspective partner is an addict, run… run far and fast. You can do better.

Some of my best friends and relatives are recovering addicts. I have asked them the same question about dating someone who is an addict. Their advice is the same: Run!

Even an addict who is completely immersed in the program knows how much dedication it takes to live in sobriety. He also knows how much selfishness it takes to deal with her shit and have a relationship at the same time. Sometimes, you can’t have both and be sober. You must choose sobriety over the person (people) you love; otherwise, you’ll lose everything. So, with addiction comes much-needed selfishness. That selfishness, often turns into narcissism, which is nobody’s friend.

So, if you think that you can fix someone who appears to be the best candidate for a loving relationship you have seen in a long time, and you realize this person is dealing with addiction, just gently take yourself out of the situation as soon you can. You will save yourself much distress and pain.

Recently, I dated a man whom I had no idea was struggling with addiction to crystal meth. He told me he was going to AA, so I thought his problem was with alcohol, so I continued seeing him. After we professed love, we prayed together, did spiritual growing exercises together, he just disappeared for two weeks.

My pain went deep, because I was taken so unaware… Even more so, I was embarrassed, because I doted over this man to everyone I knew. He was so wonderful in all ways: successful businessman, spiritual, loving, attentive, funny, and sexy. What scared me about the situation was how blindsided I was to this particular addictive behavior—meth addiction. I have dealt with plenty of addicts in my coaching and hypnotherapy business, but not so many in my personal life. I had never dated an addict, so I didn’t know what to look for. But as I retreat in my mind to the last few months, I did see signs.

First of all, the first couple of months in a relationship should not be difficult. I don’t care who says what about relationship, the honeymoon stage is a given. If two people immediately start having to “work” at relationship, something is systemically wrong. Take a step back from it and ask yourself three questions: 1) What is going on here? 2) How am I getting in the way of learning this lesson? and 3) What gift do I bring to this situation?

When I look back, my date and I immediately began to have situational issues that I thought seemed easy to handle. He got angry quickly, which is never a good sign in relationship. I should have known better just by that sign. But I didn’t realize his almost bipolar behavior was a telling sign of an addict still using or about to use.

Since I have moved through the healing stage, I have committed to asking a great many questions before I ever enter into dating seriously with anyone. As my dear friend and therapist said, “If a person can’t wait for three months to have sex, he isn’t worth it.” I don’t know if I could wait that long, but I understand the concept. Get to know the person before your heart enters into to intimacy. If you see signs of addiction or relationship is more difficult than it should be, cut your losses. You can save yourself a great deal of pain.

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Please check out my new book: “Learning Alone: The Love Song of the Anxiously Attached,” a look at life through relationship, particularly anxious attachment, and finding the courage to face life without a special love!

Also, A Cookbook, a Novel, a Self-Help Book, a Yoga DVD! All great gifts from your friend—Bo Sebastian. Simply go to this link at www.Amazon.com or type in my name. Find great gifts for yourself, family members, and friends by supporting another friend in the process! Thank you.

* * *

Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]

 

 

 

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#12-Steps to Sanity

We’ve all heard the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” But how much do we really know about the 12-Step Programs that have literally helped millions, maybe billions, of people over the past 70 years?

Research about 12-Step programs is difficult to obtain because maintaining anonymity requires that researches stay a proper distance away. Yet, according to insiders in AA, 33 percent of the 8,000 North American members it surveyed had remained sober for over 10 years. Twelve percent were sober for 5 to 10 years; 24 percent were sober 1 to 5 years; and 31 percent were sober for less than a year.

The success, in my estimation, has much to do with accountability and the ability to be transparent to a group of understanding people whose compassion supersedes even therapists, family, and friends. A great deal of my own success with helping people through difficult times has come from my own shortcomings and difficulties in life. Nothing is more powerful in the healing process than community and compassion. We can all learn a great lesson from the program.

Though the Twelve Steps started for Alcoholism, it has reached its behavior modification program into thirty-six different branches:

In this time of giving and holidays, support people who are recovering from addictions in any way you can, especially with your compassion. I know in this week of thanks, I’m grateful for its cofounder, Bill Wilson, for writing the Big Book.

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A Cookbook, a Novel, a Self-Help Book, a Yoga DVD! All great gifts from your friend—Bo Sebastian. Simply go to this link at www.Amazon.com or type in my name. Find great gifts for your family members and friends and support another friend in the process! Thank you and happy Holidays! –Bo

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Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]

 

 

 

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