Tag: adultery

I’m Thinking About TRUST!

Yesterday I was reminded of my old story from my past that I may have relived in other ways had I understood #trust during that time of my life. Basically, I thought that I would completely lose #faith&trust after just one failure to live up to a mutual promise of monogamy. Today, I wonder if in an eight-year relationship if I had failed by not forgiving. But, you can judge for yourself.

My partner of 8 years left his e-mail open, which led me to discover that he was having an affair with the partner I was with before him (that relationship was 7 years)! It was anyone’s nightmare. Trust me, it had been mine.

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Life is full of moments that make up your story. Some are good, some bad. Some are just not all that memorable. However, every day as we surge forward with our desires and wishes, we intersect with other humans. This connection to my ex-partner was dynamic in a way that it changed me completely—it kept me from trusting and left me desperately anxious for a long time.

Yesterday, my husband and I were at a friend’s house discussing one of my books “Learning Alone,” in which I share how relationships can actually be the critical structure of your life, by mapping out my life according to relationship. David, my husband, took the liberty of sharing the story I eluded to at the beginning, which led me to explain a bit about what happened.

My ex was going through a change of life. He woke up one day and literally was someone my friends and I didn’t recognize. He was drinking, making stupid mistakes, and hanging with people I didn’t know well enough to judge. During this dark time we barely spoke. It was just after a couple of months of being totally rude and mean that he had the affair.

Our friend, who is a film director, saw through the lens of his movie-making mind. He said, “Your ex knew that your first partner was mean and abusive. So, it sounds as if he sought out his own punishment for straying from your relationship!”

I replied, “My ex and I cried in each other’s arms all night the evening I discovered what had happened. He seemed truly sorry for hurting me. In my angst, I asked him to leave, as I thought I would never be able to trust him again.”

My husband interjected: “I know I wouldn’t have been able to trust him again.”

But I sat there wondering… It’s a good thing to deliberate decisions from the past as if you are an onlooker of a story that could have had a different ending. I don’t believe we should condemn our past decisions, but we can’t learn from them if we don’t try to see the situation from many different perspectives. Sometimes, those perspectives can only come from growing and maturing. Such as is the case with this decision to ask my partner of 8 years to leave our home.

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Confessions of an Adulterer

No one would have guessed it was I, the one everyone honored and cherished. I was the best friend, not the good friend. I was the cheerleader and confident. I gave to the poor and sat tirelessly by the bedside of the sick. I made myself a pillar of the community and of the church. I was the father of the year. I wanted to appear unblemished, because underneath I was covered with the scabs of the past.

My story is an age-old one. You know it well. I got married to my childhood sweetheart just after college. We had three children, whom I cherish more than life. I have been married for almost twenty years now and I can’t imagine what it feels like to be single. I would never trade my life for anyone else’s in the world. In fact, I have been told many times in my life that I am truly blessed and lucky. I feel those attributes like a mantel I wear daily.

Pureness and security brought me to my thorn in the flesh. At night, when everyone slept, I slipped into the den and turned on my computer. Then I could imagine what my life would have been like had I been my gay neighbor, my coworker with all the one-night stands, or my sanctimonious preacher from my church who remains single to show his unwavering love for God.

In those late nights I would watch snippets of nude movies and Google things I could only put on an Incognito Window, because when I was finished, even the computer felt dirty. But it was there in my den, late in the evening, I realized that the only thing I hadn’t done in my life was cheat. I needed to feel the essence of being bad to be whole and complete, to be a real man. I wanted to experience being in the arms of another to know the truth that I held so blithely everyday. I needed the juxtaposition between my pure life and the depths of something so vastly not me that I ached inside for impurity.

What was once every week or two in the den, became every night in the den. I would forgo loving my wife, holding her for the two-dimensional stress of searching for the perfect stranger to defile me for the sake of my own humanity.

After careful consideration of all the ramifications of my actions, I went to Craigslist and read through the ads, carefully composing one of my own. I made a dummy e-mail, a pseudonym, I made sure that whatever windows that were open were erased from the memory of the computer. Then, one night long after my intention, I finally got the courage to post the ad.

It wasn’t what I expected I would do. I found myself looking for a man, instead of a woman. Perhaps, because I didn’t think it would be as bad to be with a man. Maybe it wasn’t quite the betrayal to my wife. It would be just play. A man could understand a one-night stand, where a woman would be vulnerable, I told myself. Maybe I would meet another married man and all would be solved.

I remembered the pornography I watched in the months prior. What was it about any of those situations that I wanted to try or would be capable of trying as scared as I was then? Yet, I posted my ad. I took a picture of myself from the shoulders down. I said in the ad that I had to stay anonymous, and wanted to have a fling with a man, but wasn’t out.

A few men answered. Some disgusting. Some more lewd than I could imagine being. But one man stood out—beautiful and sexy. I could tell by his return email to me, he had some depth. I seriously didn’t expect him to be the man I met. He was warm and kind and passionate and more intelligent than almost anyone I had ever met. When I left his house, I found that I had to have more of him. Not just so much more the sex. I wanted to see him again. I pursued him like an anxious, hungry dog.

What he thought was a one-afternoon fling, ended up being a man captured by the grips of unbridled, unrequited lust. After a month of changing my work schedule almost every day, lying to my boss, lying to my wife about staying late at work, and meeting this man almost everyday, I actually fell in love with this man.

What do I do now? I think about him all the time. I wish I had not gotten married and had children, so I can play out the life we could have had together. He is my soul mate and my one true love whom I never expected to meet in my lifetime. A man, nonetheless. The only man I had ever been with.

When my wife went to sleep one evening, I snuck out to his house, because the only thing I hadn’t experienced was spending the night with him. I knew I couldn’t stay the entire evening, but I wanted to hold him and sleep in his arms for just a few hours to see what it would feel like.

When I got home that evening, my wife and my son were up. He had been sick with the stomach flu for hours. My wife asked me where I was. She had been calling me on my cell phone. I had left my phone on the desk by the computer.

I came up with an alibi about feeling antsy and wanting to take a drive listening to loud music, and didn’t want to wake anyone up. She believed me. She had no reason not to. We tended to my child together. I apologized profusely for not being there. Her focus was on my son, fortunately for me.

The next day I broke it off with him.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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