Yesterday I was reminded of my old story from my past that I may have relived in other ways had I understood #trust during that time of my life. Basically, I thought that I would completely lose #faith&trust after just one failure to live up to a mutual promise of monogamy. Today, I wonder if in an eight-year relationship if I had failed by not forgiving. But, you can judge for yourself.
My partner of 8 years left his e-mail open, which led me to discover that he was having an affair with the partner I was with before him (that relationship was 7 years)! It was anyone’s nightmare. Trust me, it had been mine.
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Life is full of moments that make up your story. Some are good, some bad. Some are just not all that memorable. However, every day as we surge forward with our desires and wishes, we intersect with other humans. This connection to my ex-partner was dynamic in a way that it changed me completely—it kept me from trusting and left me desperately anxious for a long time.
Yesterday, my husband and I were at a friend’s house discussing one of my books “Learning Alone,” in which I share how relationships can actually be the critical structure of your life, by mapping out my life according to relationship. David, my husband, took the liberty of sharing the story I eluded to at the beginning, which led me to explain a bit about what happened.
My ex was going through a change of life. He woke up one day and literally was someone my friends and I didn’t recognize. He was drinking, making stupid mistakes, and hanging with people I didn’t know well enough to judge. During this dark time we barely spoke. It was just after a couple of months of being totally rude and mean that he had the affair.
Our friend, who is a film director, saw through the lens of his movie-making mind. He said, “Your ex knew that your first partner was mean and abusive. So, it sounds as if he sought out his own punishment for straying from your relationship!”
I replied, “My ex and I cried in each other’s arms all night the evening I discovered what had happened. He seemed truly sorry for hurting me. In my angst, I asked him to leave, as I thought I would never be able to trust him again.”
My husband interjected: “I know I wouldn’t have been able to trust him again.”
But I sat there wondering… It’s a good thing to deliberate decisions from the past as if you are an onlooker of a story that could have had a different ending. I don’t believe we should condemn our past decisions, but we can’t learn from them if we don’t try to see the situation from many different perspectives. Sometimes, those perspectives can only come from growing and maturing. Such as is the case with this decision to ask my partner of 8 years to leave our home.
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