Tag: anxiously attached

Flight Behavior #flightbehavior

When I think of the word flight, two thoughts come to my mind: 1.) jets and airlines; and 2.) the fight or flight behavior of a human—our deepest human instincts that ignite the fires of adrenaline for us to flee at a moment’s notice. My concerns today are about the latter, but in respect to running from intimacy.

I have noticed in my work that most people who end up on my couch are who is known as Avoidantly Attached people. These individuals want love and security in the worst way, but can’t achieve a level of intimacy with anyone that doesn’t cause the fight or flight patterns of their past to keep them in relationship. If you have been dating someone who comes close to you, then runs away; definitely do yourself a favor and leave the relationship or get some help in dealing with your own desire to change someone into what you need. Changing someone’s attachment pattern doesn’t usually happen. (I’ll speak from personal experience, because I believe this is the best means to express. I’ll not use names, but instead just refer to each relationship with a number.)

BF One is/was a great guy. When he walked into the room, all eyes went to him. He was handsome, in good shape, and confident. However, I believe he always worked harder than everyone else because he didn’t believe he was smart enough. He was an over-worker and over-achiever, for sure. When we decided to date, we had already been friends for fifteen years. We both were in the same place about relationship. We wanted us to work. We tried hard, communicated, and made relationship last for almost two years. Most times were fun and loving. But BF One never could seem to get to a point of intimacy unless he had a drink or two. He could tell me he loved me, but it was usually after I told him. He didn’t think of me much when I wasn’t around. He didn’t try very hard to achieve anything more than what, he thought, was expected. Sex mostly felt distant and robotic. But I did feel a sense of security in the dream we created together of partnership.

The truth, however about BF One was that he had an avoidantly attached behavior. He never could help me feel important enough in his life to make sacrifice. Let’s face it, we all need someone in our lives to put us first. That’s what relationship is about. We also desire the intimate connection of a person to be completely present when you move toward sexual behavior. On the surface BF One was a good guy. I still love him, but he would never be the “right” one for relationship until he dealt with the reason he couldn’t open his heart to another individual.

BF Two came into my life as a very hard working, committed individual. However, when it came to intimacy, I wasn’t the only one he desired intimately. I didn’t discover this until he began to get antsy and discouraged at my level of commitment, which I believed to be normal. We actually lived together for a year. He was very messy, so much so that I had to contain his mess to one room and close the door. He had ADHD and compulsive behavior. Shopping with him was a chore. He would buy 10 of something that was on sale, and would look at every option at least five times before making a decision. And BF Two was a therapist and hypnotherapist as I was.

To me, this BF presented mostly as Anxiously Attached. When he began to get frightened I would leave him for his erratic and compulsive behavior, he became addicted to sexual promiscuity outside the partnership. Of course, this was a recipe for disaster.

BF Three came into the relationship like Prince Charming. He road on his white horse and wanted to save me from every bad relationship I had ever had. I felt as if this was the one. I needed and wanted him to be the one, which means that I had been Anxiously Attaching as well.

This actually is the problem. Dealing with your own Attachment style is the most important part of finding a secure and loving relationship. When I realized two things: 1.) that I had been finding avoidant behavior, savior-type people and 2.) that my own behavior was anxious; I understood why every relationship would end up unfulfilling, including BF Three who left me when I was out of town. I think that trumps the Text Message Break-up.

Finding the secure mate is our goal. Secure people present as confident, easy to get to know, able to let you into their personal lives, honest about good and bad feelings, and slowly become more and more intimate, which is the natural proclivity of a healthy person. As you understand your authentic self, you also become more secure and are able to let go of old attachment behavior in the arms of someone loving and understanding. You deserve this!

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Look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to Effective Change” with a Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my Website in the Webstore. Thanks!

Below is information that I will be sharing for about a month, as not every person on my list reads the blog every day. If you have already read it, just skip over it. Thanks for understanding.

A Year to CLEAR Challenge:
(Please Know: You Can Join Us At Any Point in the Year Challenge.)

The masses search outward for things that qualify them as a person, but I always go inward for that which quantifies me for greatness. At twenty-five I preached on street corners in NYC as an in-the-closet Pentecostal minister. One day I heard a still small voice say, ‘God cannot be contained in a book or a law or even in a religion. Dig deeper, reach further to find me, and you will find your authentic Self.’”

A Year to CLEAR Challenge!

The acronym CLEAR stands for (Compassionate, Loving, Enthusiastic, And Relationship-Ready). The goal of this project is to engulf readers in a weekly study that will transform them by removing blocks, promote self-growth, and give them wings to fly freely into daily life. Each week, by going to BoSebastian.com and choosing the Year to CLEAR Challenge tab, a new challenge or thought to provoke conversation, growth, and group functionality.

My vision is to make Finding Authentic You the book to have in your Kindle or on your computer. The book is a comprehensive look at growth—spiritually, mentally, and physically.

As a yoga teacher and student of the Ayurvedic tradition, I bring to the table understanding of physical challenges, the ability to overcome mental problems with Life & Health Coaching, as well as hypnotherapy, and expertise in meditation and spirituality as a minister.

The combination of all three in one book with an interactive connection to like-minded readers, for one year, is what makes this Year to CLEAR Challenge a must-do for every spiritual seeker.

The One-Year Approach to Change

No one believes he or she can change overnight. But success in change comes from the metaphors of nature. Seasonally, life changes all around us in nature. Finding Authentic You offers a gradual change perspective, looking at the triune aspects of change as in yoga: Body, Mind and Spirit.

Accessing the ability to change and finding yourself actually pursuing change must be a daily search, which I call getting to the “observer mind.”

In this frontal cortex of the brain we find the anatomy of change and the power to counter every negative trigger of the human process. The workings of Hypnosis, NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) are all positive actions to help the mind and body flow to a positive space for change.

Every aspect of FINDING AUTHENTIC YOU fulfills this constant need for diffusing the negative past and dreaming of a fulfilling future.

Step 1: Recognize That Change is Inevitable
Step 2: Release from Resistance to Change
Step 3: Understanding Change and Allow Spirit to Define It
Step 4: A History Lesson—About You
Step 5: Look at Your Past with Compassion
Step 6: Making a Strong Commitment to Change
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Go to www.bosebastian.com for Week One to Four Challenges:
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Go to Home Page: www.BoSebastian.com

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

Also, look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to Effective Change” with a Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my Website in the Webstore. Thanks!

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I Guess I am Anxiously Attached

I really had tried to convince myself that I was more securely attached than anxiously attached. But in the last few days—maybe because of Valentine’s day—I’ve been pining inside for true love again. UGGGGHH. Does it exist? Really? The dudes who seem interested never seem to call enough or ever. The waiting or wondering if you should call or text is exhausting.

Even though those thoughts run through my mind, I have signed up for two pretty safe dating sites and have answered ads to people from California, for godsakes. What the heck am I going to do with a computer-pal from San Diego, no matter how cute he is?

Do you remember that song that Bette Middler sang: “Spring can Really Hang You Up the Most”? I think I’m there in the middle of spring love sickness. God, my heart is just moaning for someone to wine and dine me, to buy me gifts, to be romantic with, to hold me like there is no tomorrow. And don’t get me started about the sexual urges. This must be seasonal, because I haven’t felt like this for a long time. And neither have the trees in my backyard.. lol

And the truth is, I know that there is no magic person that does all those things for anyone. I greatly remember the feeling of new love. It sweeps you away into oblivion for six months or so, then reality sets in, and you are caught in the place that love generally takes you to: lesson learning from the closest person in your life.

Am I ready for that? Are you ready for that? That’s what we should all be asking ourselves when we start pining away and swooning at the moon. “I’m ready anytime. If you take me, I’m ready to go. So, show the way to me. I am willing to be, ready to go. I seem to see Paris we’re on a lagoon. Atop the Acropolis we’re blue in the moon. I can swoon. We’re so blue in the moon.” From the Fantasticks when Matt and Luisa fall in love. I remember playing the part well. I almost fell in love with the young girl who played Luisa, just because I was so swept up in the love of the musical. And I’m gay. Go figure.

Love is tricky, friends. The feelings of loneliness are trickier. They tell us that we are not good enough, not pretty or handsome enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, and simply not prepared enough to have someone in our lives. But look around you at all the people who have partners. I can’t judge, but when you actually see what relationships are around you, do you really want one that looks like one of your neighbors?

I get the divine privilege of getting to see the worst in loving relationships. And let me tell you, what looks to be pretty on the outside is almost never what it seems. People work hard at relationships, especially when there are children involved. Add to that, two working parents, hand jobs, I mean hard jobs, troublesome children, a limousine service that has to drive the kids everywhere, and then taking care of basic needs like paying bills, cleaning the house, doing laundry, and cooking dinner. When is there time for making love in most families?

Okay, I’ve pretty much talked myself out of dating seriously right now. Talk to me tomorrow and we’ll see how I fare.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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