Tag: Attachment theory

Is Understanding a Prerequisite to Love? #facinglove #yournewstory #psychology #spiritualadvice

I have been in a long-term relationships. Probably, if two of my relationships had been in a time when gay people were allowed to marry, I would have been a spouse. However, despite the amount of understanding I had gained from being in a live-in, long-term relationship, I never really understood love until I continued to have compassion and love, even though I couldn’t and didn’t understand the choice of my partner.

People make decisions in many ways. Sometimes a decision is made quickly, sometimes slowly and painfully, sometimes with graphs and spreadsheets. But, inherently, when life hands you a decision that involves emotions, we react in three different ways:

  • avoidantly,
  • anxiously, or
  • securely.

If you do not understand the qualities of the human psyche, you may look at a partner’s decision as unfathomable, odd or even crazy. But true love takes none of that into consideration, especially when the decision does not involve the relationship. If the decision is a personal one, such as, which presidential candidate to endorse, a career change, or letting go of a long-standing friendship—these are all personal. What part of decision-making actually involves the other partner or spouse?

Many couples get into big trouble when one spouse tries to control the personal life and decisions of the other spouse; especially in the areas I have referred to above. Love has never been about “understanding” another person. Love is always about being “compassionate” in the face of not understanding.

True love is rare in these days. I feel fortunate to count myself among the few who have a relationship with his best friend, confident, and prayer partner. When all of these come together into a place where you also find a physical attraction, you have hit the jackpot! Why is this so?

We all desire to have in relationship:

  • the strength of a friendship;
  • the compassion of a mother;
  • a solid, visceral physical attraction; and
  • mostly the desire to spend time telling each other truths that you don’t feel free to share with anyone else in the world.

These special qualities in a marital or long-term relationships are paramount to success and ultimately to happiness.

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“Your New Story, Your New Life” The Metaphysical Mind.

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Are you in need of Life or Spiritual Coaching? I’ve been a life coach and clinical hypnotherapist and minister of New Thought for 25 years. I do my sessions online, so you can even have your session in bed, so that you can go directly to sleep during the hypnosis session. You must have a laptop or a notebook to do these sessions, either on Skype or Facetime. You give me a call at 954-253-6493. My fee is $95 for an hour.

You can find all of my Books by Category at http://www.bosebastian.com/new-page/ All of these books have been birthed from my own spiritual growth. I guarantee you’ll enjoy how each will help you maintain a positive mind, body, and spirit. Also, if you click on the Amazon site, you’ll see all of my 15 book— Cookbooks, Novels, Self-Help Books, a Yoga DVD! All great gifts from your friend—Bo Sebastian. Simply go to this link at www.Amazon.com or type in my name. Find great gifts for yourself, family members, and friends by supporting another friend in the process! Thank you.

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2-Bo_headshot_Blue shirtA Single Session w/Bo Sebastian

What would you feel like if everyday you loved yourself a little more…

What would you be if you loved and gave compassion unconditionally… to yourself first and then to others?

If you could imagine yourself so connected to God Source that everything you thought and every action you completed you trusted could heal yourself and, ultimately the world around you?

Create a Better Life with One Healing Session with Bo Sebastian

Call 954-253-6493 (All Sessions are done via PHONE, SKYPE or FACETIME.)

www.bosebastian.com

Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]

 

 

 

 

 

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Can Love Let You Down? #lovelessons #spirituality #SOM #natureoflove

To decide if love can let anyone down, we must, first, examine what we call love. To the secure mind, love is pure, true, a deep connection that must be discovered and worked on. To the anxious mind, love can appear to be someone desiring us with great passion or someone who loves enough to take our heart, but doesn’t follow through with promises. For the avoidant heart love is something that is never to be obtained. It is, in varying degrees, approachable, but not precious enough to hold to and honor.

As you can see, our definition of love is generally defined by how we have been loved in the past. If our initial story of love with our parents or guardians was one of abandonment, we may see love as anyone who will stay around, even if we are mistreated. If our initial story of love was about never knowing if our parent would be home or available, we would see love as something that we want, but expect little from. If we had a secure base to begin with, we may see love more clearly than the rest of the 75% of the world who had rough beginning with parents and guardians. Still, no parent was perfect, so even the most secure person would still have an eschewed vision of the purest form of love.

Love, by spiritual definition, is what supports the foundations of the world. God, as the energy of Source, is Love. If love lets us down at any moment of any day, there would be no world, no firmament, and no humanity. So, Love in its truest essence cannot let anyone down. But what we have called love in the past, can certainly fail us in so many ways.

Perhaps, we should stop using the word love in intimate relationships, all together, because what most of us see in any relationship, including parents, doesn’t seem to resemble the love that upholds the world. Most human beings have come from a long line of emotional attachments that have turned sour with a change of mind, a change of heart, and a change of situation. To that, we attach the word love, inappropriately. You cannot be in any intimate relationship without having disappointment.

But, you see, love in its truest essence is always the same. So, to expect love from any human being would be to ask humans to be God personified. Even if we begin to understand that we live and move and breath as the Spirit of God on this earth, we can’t actually BE God, embodied. This would taking our spiritual truth to the extreme and would tilt the balance of any mind toward narcissism.

Ernest Holmes says this succinctly (concerning being like God or Love): “This is a far-reaching thought and should be carefully scrutinized. It is to be taken figuratively and not too literally, for we cannot really become God, but we can and do partake of the Divine Nature, and the Universal does personify Itself through man (and woman) in varying degrees, according to man’s receptivity to it.”

Perhaps, we should just consider that true love is the highest calling and not even Mother Teresa would consider herself a giver of the most divine form of love. Because at Love’s essence, it holds the highest degree of expectation. Let us seek to be love’s conduit, embrace it, and hold it dear, but let’s stop calling intimate relationships—love. At our very best, we are seekers of the nature of love, conduits of fragments of love, but always fall short of being Love personified.

 Meditation PhotoGLUTEN FREE COVERUncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior Cover

You can find all of Books by Category at http://www.bosebastian.com/new-page/ Also, if you click on the Amazon site, you’ll see all of my 15 book— Cookbooks, Novels,  Self-Help Books, a Yoga DVD! All great gifts from your friend—Bo Sebastian. Simply go to this link at www.Amazon.com or type in my name. Find great gifts for yourself, family members, and friends by supporting another friend in the process! Thank you.

* * *

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A Single Session w/Bo Sebastian

What would you feel like if everyday you loved yourself a little more…

What would you be if you loved and gave compassion unconditionally… to yourself first and then to others?

If you could imagine yourself so connected to God Source that everything you thought and every action you completed you trusted could heal yourself and, ultimately the world around you?

Create a Better Life with One Healing Session with Bo Sebastian

Call 954-253-6493 (All Sessions are done via PHONE, SKYPE or FACETIME.)

www.bosebastian.com

If you are a gay man or woman, you may want to direct your gaze to my newest blog: Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. This blog is an extension of my Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/UncommonGaySpiritualWarrior/) and group meetings about the rare combination of spirituality and “being gay” defines the most important part of us, even in relationship. Join me at: http://uncommongayspiritualwarrior.blogspot.com/. 

Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]

 

 

 

 

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Do I Have to Be Alone? #relationship #relationshipadvice #attachmenttheory #Andsoitgoes

Yesterday, I was moved to tears several times at a movie, And So It Goes, directed by Rob Reiner—not just a couple tears, I gushed. The movie highlighted the life of a ten-year-old girl played by the talented Sterling Jerins, left by her father at her grandfather’s doorstep before the father had to go to prison for a crime he didn’t commit. This sudden move would change the perfect last steps of retirement for the grandfather, Michael Douglas. While trying to find a way to wriggle out of his temporary situation, he pawned his granddaughter off on his compassionate and grief-stricken, widow neighbor, Diane Keaton. The young girl is frightened, feels abandoned, and probably is angry at her addict mother, who she never knew and a situation she couldn’t control. But, through it all, her innocence at trying to find a secure attachment in this broken scenario is what fractured my heart more than once. At one point, the young girl says to the neighbor, just after she had been tucked into bed, “Do I Have to be Alone?”

How many times in our own lives have we felt alone and abandoned by life or by God? I know I’m not by myself here, because the entire theater was in tears. Clearly, the feeling is probably within pandemic proportions. Why is it that our hearts need attachment and security? Have you ever thought about it?

Many psychologists and therapists have looked at this phenomenon in the human psyche for many years, coming up with the latest craze in Pop-Psychology, Attachment Theory. I know I refer a great deal to this theory, but today, I want to focus in on one specific aspect: Our Human Need for Secure Attachment and what lengths we’ll sometimes go to get it.

In the most logical sense, our brains are immediately wired to be cared for when we come into this world, helpless and crying as a baby. An infant left unattended will simply die. She needs secure attention. However, what the infant often gets is a form of attachment, but not secure attachment. The child may get some of his/her needs met by a mother with Postpartum Depression, or a busy caretaker at a hospital, because of a premature birth, or because of an adoption procedure gone back, may miss the important first attachment process to his/her mother’s nurturing paps.

So many issues can happen at the very beginning stages of life that cause the child to feel abandoned. Interestingly, the infant, having very little capacity to make sense of the problem, begins to adapt to the situation. In the deepest part of the child’s subconscious, he or she learns to distrust relationship. These are usually the basic building blocks of anxious or avoidant attachment.

But, you may be saying, I had a loving parent. Why do I feel so alone? The answer to this question is that attachment issues can happen with trauma in life, as well. You can have a horribly abusive parent, first marriage, go through child molestation, or be tossed back and forth from divorced parents, feeling as if you are a tool in a relationship gone bad. All of these situations can cause a person to develop insecure attachment issues at a later time in life.

How do we rectify this primal need to be secure and attached? The answer is a solemn, “We can’t completely change it. The wiring may always exist.” This would be like trying to change the mainframe of a computer that needs certain wiring to run properly. However, we can add programs to this computer to help our situational adversity. We can do this with hypnotherapy, traditional therapy, and actual Attachment therapy, which usually uses a method of retraining the mind called, Parts Therapy.

In all of theses cases, we have triggers in the human mind that are toggled in certain situations that cause our behavior to change. A therapist tries with these individual therapies to find what the trigger is; define a new, positive trigger; and then the client must consistently watch the signs of the old behavior and use the new, positive affirmations to intercept the old negative pattern.

Trust me, this kind of therapy can be tedious and lead to a life-long search for answers in the chaos of our human mind. But, all the time and effort is worth it, when you finally awake, one day, and realize that you are perfectly okay and even happy being alone. Usually, this is when the universe decides: Ah, you learned your life’s hard lesson. Now, you don’t have to be alone anymore. Let’s find you a secure mate!

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[Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books helps people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE. Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle: ]

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This book, up for screenplay development, exemplifies this blog in a fictional story that is sure to delight your heart. A retired man decides to take back his life before it’s too late. A southern, literary, with lilting and bigger-than-life characters will take you to your own life’s lessons of living in the NOW.

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