Tag: avoidant behavior

Raise Your Self-Worth

All those who don’t believe you can achieve what you set out to do, stomp your feet! Wow! I think I feel the earth moving under my feet… Most of us have energy around this.

I had a conversation with my good friend Sharon. We were talking about not doing what you commit to do and how it affects your self-esteem. I have always been taught that the psychological ramifications of “not doing what you set out to do” affect your self-esteem more than you know. By going against your own will, you set your self on a course of not trusting your own intentions. If you don’t trust yourself, it makes it very hard to trust someone else.

I know that if I have an intention for the day and don’t accomplish it, I feel like I have dishonored myself and my time. Now, if I had no choice in the matter—for example, an emergency hospital visit—I wouldn’t feel that way. However, if I had chosen to do something else besides what I had set out to do, my anxiety about the chore would build up. Some times the energy of stress around “not doing something” gets so bad, that it becomes anxiety. This anxiety can build a wall around the very accomplishment you set out to achieve. This means that in the subconscious you have built a trigger to be upset around the idea of finishing what you started.

An underlying animosity toward myself also happens when I look in the mirror and see 10 pounds I don’t want to have hanging over my belt. If I keep saying, “Today is the day of my diet,” and I choose to eat cake and cookies and candy again (because Allen brought them home), I don’t feel good about myself. This behavior can’t help but affect my self-worth. And, though I joke about it, life becomes more difficult if you have someone living with you who frequently eats sweets and carbs, and you’re trying to avoid them. You will find it very difficult to avoid what is directly in front of you.

Most of our intentions have to do with habit breaking, but other than ill-begotten intentions, there are plenty of things in our lives we set out to do—a book we want to write, a class we want to take, a paper we need to finish, a room that needs painting—but never complete.

Listen, a person in the world doesn’t exist who hasn’t, at one point, had trouble accomplishing something. This is normal. But, when you see almost everything in your life is half-finished, you know you have an issue.

Perhaps, it’s an anxious feeling; maybe an avoidant feeling. But you can be assured it is a neuropathic pathway that is settling for less than you deserve. You may have to become the dreaded parent in your own life and treat yourself with a strong arm of intent. By this, I mean that your subjective, observer mind must communicate with your objective mind as if it were a parent.

Personally, I find some object I really want or something I would love to do (vacation, new car, new outfit, skiing). I hold this object or activity captive until I complete my intended task. This gives me a reason to finish my work and takes my mind off of the anxiety and on to the prize ahead.

If this doesn’t work for you, you may consider some hypnosis. Listening to an MP3 that continually tells your mind that you are, not only capable, but willing to finish what you have started, can change your mind in a period of a week. Most of us listen to the negative tapes and watch the negative films in our minds of the past anyway. We might as well wash our minds clean with new thought and positive affirmations in the form of a hypnotherapeutic recording.

Good luck with your projects. I know now you are creating a pathway to truth for you and for your project that will lead you to perfect completion. As a result, your self-worth is becoming the true you that you intend to be. And so it is.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. FOR COMMENTS: Go to the Bo Sebastian link under the title and there is a place there to create a comment. Thanks.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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Attachment: Phase One—Childhood

In our day-to-day usage of the word “attachment,” we tend to think of our adult self and how we attach to our current friends, family, and love interests. But the theory took off when psychologists developed “The Strange Situation” experiment. This experiment observed a mother and a 1-year-old baby, and the baby’s reaction to the stress caused by his/her parent leaving her/him alone in a room with a stranger. So, basically, we have been programmed to exhibit our attachment behavior since birth. We know, if we are not protected, we will die. That part of our brain is already up and running at the age of one.

“The Strange Situation” observed 12-month old children while under four different stress situations. First, to get a good idea of how a child reacted when s/he felt safe, the children were all observed in their homes with their mothers. Then the next experiment was to see how they reacted under the stress of the mother leaving the room. This kind of behavior is now exhibited as adults in how we act out in stressful relationship situations such as someone breaking up with us, someone not being connected, and someone not liking us. It is then that we watch what we learned as a child: proximity seeking, abandoning by withdrawing, anxiety when someone doesn’t call back in a certain time.

In the experiment psychiatrists observed the 4 types of Attachment Behavior:
1.) secure,
2.) anxious,
3.) avoidant, and lastly
4.) disorganized.

Secure attachment knows that you are taken care of, bodily and mentally.

Anxious children have learned they have to be vigilant to catch their attachment object (the relationships), or try and control their attachment object to get them to exhibit close and abiding behavior, so they will not feel anxiety. (This behavior is unconscious, so there is no fit in to society aspect. That would imply that it has a conscious component.)

Avoidants have given up on getting the other to attach. They are still tremendously affected by the mother leaving the room. They have learned that it does no good to show their feelings. Their emotions may actually invite an attack.

And Disorganized Attachment flip flop all around, because they are attached to the one who abuses them. This means that they have simultaneous unconscious urges. They need to get close to their protector, while knowing that their protector will abuse them; that’s crazy making.

How do you integrate any of this—especially disorganized—if you are 12 months old? This is the point of the experiment. An infant cannot. We don’t even have the emotional hardware to solve this issue or deal with it until we are seven years old. So, as adults, we keep trying to work it out in relationships. If we don’t know what we are doing, and we are unconscious. We are literally doomed to have the same relationship over and over and over. To put the icing on the cake, if an avoidant, an anxious, or a disorganized attached person gets into a good relationship, they will try to make it more comfortable by unconsciously making it like the past. We effectively burn the house down while we are in it, metaphorically. We can’t stop it.

As a more advanced observer of self-behavior, sometimes we might even see our behavior from the place of an observer and wonder what the hell we are doing. Although we might believe we are on the path to change, we still are powerless to stop what we are doing in some situations and with certain triggers. This is because of the anxiety, the very real, very ingrained anxiety that we will die, like the one-year old child, who doesn’t know the difference between being left alone for ten minutes and being left for another person.

This is a very short over view. It is about 10%-20% of Attachment Theory. It is the biggest part of the foundation of Attachment Theory though.

This study, however, may lead you to answering questions in relationships, such as a dismissive attitude by your partner. He shares with you that “all relationships are painful.” When attachment theory would say that “he was being stressed by you mentioning the way you felt.” His response was to dismiss and explain away instead of meeting you and your feelings head on.

If you are reading the book: ATTACHED. by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, Check out pages 65-67, 86-91, 142-149, 212, and 221-222 for more information.

These are some pages that are pertinent to this blog. One thing that is really prominent in securely attached behavior is they will say “I Love You,” first if they do, in fact, love somebody. That is under the “nongame-playing part.” They know that even if the other doesn’t love them, they are just saying their truth.

If the other doesn’t reply with “I love you” too, they know they will be okay. They know that when they love, they don’t give too much of themselves or restrict how much they give. So, it’s okay to not be loved back. They will eventually heal and love someone else.

This, of course, is just a couple examples of how attached behavior from childhood is reflected in our daily lives.

Hypnosis and learning self-hypnosis to become an observer of the self is a great way to help this process. Also, psychotherapy combined with hypnosis is also a great way to unhook from this behavior.

I feel so lucky and honored to have one of the city’s best Licensed Family and Marriage Therapists using Attachment Theory in his practice as one of my closest friends, Keith Allen, LMFT (615-943-1911). Keith basically wrote this with a little input from me. So, thank you, Keith for sharing your knowledge with us.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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