Tag: avoidantly attached

Flight Behavior #flightbehavior

When I think of the word flight, two thoughts come to my mind: 1.) jets and airlines; and 2.) the fight or flight behavior of a human—our deepest human instincts that ignite the fires of adrenaline for us to flee at a moment’s notice. My concerns today are about the latter, but in respect to running from intimacy.

I have noticed in my work that most people who end up on my couch are who is known as Avoidantly Attached people. These individuals want love and security in the worst way, but can’t achieve a level of intimacy with anyone that doesn’t cause the fight or flight patterns of their past to keep them in relationship. If you have been dating someone who comes close to you, then runs away; definitely do yourself a favor and leave the relationship or get some help in dealing with your own desire to change someone into what you need. Changing someone’s attachment pattern doesn’t usually happen. (I’ll speak from personal experience, because I believe this is the best means to express. I’ll not use names, but instead just refer to each relationship with a number.)

BF One is/was a great guy. When he walked into the room, all eyes went to him. He was handsome, in good shape, and confident. However, I believe he always worked harder than everyone else because he didn’t believe he was smart enough. He was an over-worker and over-achiever, for sure. When we decided to date, we had already been friends for fifteen years. We both were in the same place about relationship. We wanted us to work. We tried hard, communicated, and made relationship last for almost two years. Most times were fun and loving. But BF One never could seem to get to a point of intimacy unless he had a drink or two. He could tell me he loved me, but it was usually after I told him. He didn’t think of me much when I wasn’t around. He didn’t try very hard to achieve anything more than what, he thought, was expected. Sex mostly felt distant and robotic. But I did feel a sense of security in the dream we created together of partnership.

The truth, however about BF One was that he had an avoidantly attached behavior. He never could help me feel important enough in his life to make sacrifice. Let’s face it, we all need someone in our lives to put us first. That’s what relationship is about. We also desire the intimate connection of a person to be completely present when you move toward sexual behavior. On the surface BF One was a good guy. I still love him, but he would never be the “right” one for relationship until he dealt with the reason he couldn’t open his heart to another individual.

BF Two came into my life as a very hard working, committed individual. However, when it came to intimacy, I wasn’t the only one he desired intimately. I didn’t discover this until he began to get antsy and discouraged at my level of commitment, which I believed to be normal. We actually lived together for a year. He was very messy, so much so that I had to contain his mess to one room and close the door. He had ADHD and compulsive behavior. Shopping with him was a chore. He would buy 10 of something that was on sale, and would look at every option at least five times before making a decision. And BF Two was a therapist and hypnotherapist as I was.

To me, this BF presented mostly as Anxiously Attached. When he began to get frightened I would leave him for his erratic and compulsive behavior, he became addicted to sexual promiscuity outside the partnership. Of course, this was a recipe for disaster.

BF Three came into the relationship like Prince Charming. He road on his white horse and wanted to save me from every bad relationship I had ever had. I felt as if this was the one. I needed and wanted him to be the one, which means that I had been Anxiously Attaching as well.

This actually is the problem. Dealing with your own Attachment style is the most important part of finding a secure and loving relationship. When I realized two things: 1.) that I had been finding avoidant behavior, savior-type people and 2.) that my own behavior was anxious; I understood why every relationship would end up unfulfilling, including BF Three who left me when I was out of town. I think that trumps the Text Message Break-up.

Finding the secure mate is our goal. Secure people present as confident, easy to get to know, able to let you into their personal lives, honest about good and bad feelings, and slowly become more and more intimate, which is the natural proclivity of a healthy person. As you understand your authentic self, you also become more secure and are able to let go of old attachment behavior in the arms of someone loving and understanding. You deserve this!

______________________________________________

New Challenge: Go to Week 10 of the “Year to CLEAR Challenge” at www.Bosebastian.com
______________________________________________

Look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to Effective Change” with a Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my Website in the Webstore. Thanks!

Below is information that I will be sharing for about a month, as not every person on my list reads the blog every day. If you have already read it, just skip over it. Thanks for understanding.

A Year to CLEAR Challenge:
(Please Know: You Can Join Us At Any Point in the Year Challenge.)

The masses search outward for things that qualify them as a person, but I always go inward for that which quantifies me for greatness. At twenty-five I preached on street corners in NYC as an in-the-closet Pentecostal minister. One day I heard a still small voice say, ‘God cannot be contained in a book or a law or even in a religion. Dig deeper, reach further to find me, and you will find your authentic Self.’”

A Year to CLEAR Challenge!

The acronym CLEAR stands for (Compassionate, Loving, Enthusiastic, And Relationship-Ready). The goal of this project is to engulf readers in a weekly study that will transform them by removing blocks, promote self-growth, and give them wings to fly freely into daily life. Each week, by going to BoSebastian.com and choosing the Year to CLEAR Challenge tab, a new challenge or thought to provoke conversation, growth, and group functionality.

My vision is to make Finding Authentic You the book to have in your Kindle or on your computer. The book is a comprehensive look at growth—spiritually, mentally, and physically.

As a yoga teacher and student of the Ayurvedic tradition, I bring to the table understanding of physical challenges, the ability to overcome mental problems with Life & Health Coaching, as well as hypnotherapy, and expertise in meditation and spirituality as a minister.

The combination of all three in one book with an interactive connection to like-minded readers, for one year, is what makes this Year to CLEAR Challenge a must-do for every spiritual seeker.

The One-Year Approach to Change

No one believes he or she can change overnight. But success in change comes from the metaphors of nature. Seasonally, life changes all around us in nature. Finding Authentic You offers a gradual change perspective, looking at the triune aspects of change as in yoga: Body, Mind and Spirit.

Accessing the ability to change and finding yourself actually pursuing change must be a daily search, which I call getting to the “observer mind.”

In this frontal cortex of the brain we find the anatomy of change and the power to counter every negative trigger of the human process. The workings of Hypnosis, NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) are all positive actions to help the mind and body flow to a positive space for change.

Every aspect of FINDING AUTHENTIC YOU fulfills this constant need for diffusing the negative past and dreaming of a fulfilling future.

Step 1: Recognize That Change is Inevitable
Step 2: Release from Resistance to Change
Step 3: Understanding Change and Allow Spirit to Define It
Step 4: A History Lesson—About You
Step 5: Look at Your Past with Compassion
Step 6: Making a Strong Commitment to Change
Step 7: Dream Your Fabulous Future
Go to www.bosebastian.com for Week One to Four Challenges:
TOOLS FOR CHANGE:
Go to Storefront to buy any of the following or make a donation to Finding Authentic You: www.shop.bosebastian.com

• My Latest Book: Finding Authentic You—7 Steps to Effective Change (800 page downloadable Kindle version)
• Introduction to Meditation
• Smoke Cessation mp3
• Weight Loss mp3
• Hypnotic Lap Band surgery Mp3
• Insomnia mp3
• Eternal Om mp3
• Meditation Music mp3
• Guide to Meditation mp3
• Healing the Body mp3
• And my “Lessons from the Heart” book ready for your download purchase.
Go to Home Page: www.BoSebastian.com

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

Also, look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to Effective Change” with a Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my Website in the Webstore. Thanks!

Please follow and like us:
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The Avoidant Heart

If you find that you get close to an intimate partner, then suddenly sabotage the relationship by a sudden attraction to the prettiest or handsomest person in the room, you probably have an avoidantly attached heart. In other words, your mind is keeping you from the most intimate relationship in your life, because you’re subconsciously afraid of abandonment and hurt.

The avoidantly attached is one of the hardest of the attachment styles to understand and change. If you never had peace and security with one or more parent, then chances are a mark was left in your heart. The repetition of bad relationships will continue until you deal with the loss of your primary attachment.

Other ways you can tell if you are an avoidantly attached style is if you find yourself wishing for a relationship, but never really pursuing one. Or if you get into a relationship that feels intimate and loving, you pull away suddenly for no reason. This may feel like distrust. You may see signs of something that disturbs you in your intimate partner—I’d guess it would be signs that person is getting too close. You may feel like the person is smothering you. But often, the avoidantly attached feels these emotions even when a secure relationship presents itself.

I’ll give you a few examples:

Jeff is a very handsome, buff man. He knows he can attract just about anyone he puts his attention on. However, the attraction and the pursuit is the high for him. He doesn’t realize it now, but he is acting like an addict in relationship. He gets high off of other people’s desire for him sexually and intimately. Though Jeff may recognize that he can’t get too close to people, he still enjoys the high too much to give it up. He continues his sexual pursuits, even though he knows he is hurting himself and others. Jeff is avoidantly attached.

Marcia is a self-made millionaire. She has worked hard for twenty-five years to raise a family, deal with a cheating husband, keep a successful job, and maintain a great amount of personal charm and beauty. After her divorce, she has dated 15 men. All of them seem to have some big problem she can’t deal with. She doesn’t consider talking about the problem. She simply dismisses them, as if she were an inspector on an assembly line. Marcia thinks she wants intimacy, but she’s afraid that this new person will hurt her just like her ex-husband did. Marcia has become avoidantly attached.

In the latter case, Marcia is more likely to overcome her problem if she seeks therapy. In the first case, Jeff will have to truly want to make a shift in his mind and take the time to do some serious rewiring for his traits to change, but it’s possible. Let’s face it, anything is possible.

If I can actually be in a healthy relationship after all the lies, cheaters, and childhood abuse I suffered, anyone can learn to change their minds. With a clear change in your thought process and an observer awareness of the behavior you want to alter, almost anyone can find secure love.

______________________________________________

Go to Week 4 of the “Year to CLEAR Challenge” at www.Bosebastian.com

______________________________________________

Look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to Effective Change” with a Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my Website in the Webstore. Thanks!

Below is information that I will be sharing for about a month, as not every person on my list reads the blog every day. If you have already read it, just skip over it. Thanks for understanding.

A Year to CLEAR Challenge:
(Please Know: You Can Join Us At Any Point in the Year Challenge.)

The masses search outward for things that qualify them as a person, but I always go inward for that which quantifies me for greatness. At twenty-five I preached on street corners in NYC as an in-the-closet Pentecostal minister. One day I heard a still small voice say, ‘God cannot be contained in a book or a law or even in a religion. Dig deeper, reach further to find me, and you will find your authentic Self.’”

A Year to CLEAR Challenge!

The acronym CLEAR stands for (Compassionate, Loving, Enthusiastic, And Relationship-Ready). The goal of this project is to engulf readers in a weekly study that will transform them by removing blocks, promote self-growth, and give them wings to fly freely into daily life. Each week, by going to BoSebastian.com and choosing the Year to CLEAR Challenge tab, a new challenge or thought to provoke conversation, growth, and group functionality.

My vision is to make Finding Authentic You the book to have in your Kindle or on your computer. The book is a comprehensive look at growth—spiritually, mentally, and physically.

As a yoga teacher and student of the Ayurvedic tradition, I bring to the table understanding of physical challenges, the ability to overcome mental problems with Life & Health Coaching, as well as hypnotherapy, and expertise in meditation and spirituality as a minister.

The combination of all three in one book with an interactive connection to like-minded readers, for one year, is what makes this Year to CLEAR Challenge a must-do for every spiritual seeker.

The One-Year Approach to Change

No one believes he or she can change overnight. But success in change comes from the metaphors of nature. Seasonally, life changes all around us in nature. Finding Authentic You offers a gradual change perspective, looking at the triune aspects of change as in yoga: Body, Mind and Spirit.

Accessing the ability to change and finding yourself actually pursuing change must be a daily search, which I call getting to the “observer mind.”

In this frontal cortex of the brain we find the anatomy of change and the power to counter every negative trigger of the human process. The workings of Hypnosis, NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) are all positive actions to help the mind and body flow to a positive space for change.

Every aspect of FINDING AUTHENTIC YOU fulfills this constant need for diffusing the negative past and dreaming of a fulfilling future.

Step 1: Recognize That Change is Inevitable
Step 2: Release from Resistance to Change
Step 3: Understanding Change and Allow Spirit to Define It
Step 4: A History Lesson—About You
Step 5: Look at Your Past with Compassion
Step 6: Making a Strong Commitment to Change
Step 7: Dream Your Fabulous Future
Go to www.bosebastian.com for Week One to Four Challenges:
TOOLS FOR CHANGE:
Go to Storefront to buy any of the following or make a donation to Finding Authentic You: www.shop.bosebastian.com

• My Latest Book: Finding Authentic You—7 Steps to Effective Change (800 page downloadable Kindle version)
• Introduction to Meditation
• Smoke Cessation mp3
• Weight Loss mp3
• Hypnotic Lap Band surgery Mp3
• Insomnia mp3
• Eternal Om mp3
• Meditation Music mp3
• Guide to Meditation mp3
• Healing the Body mp3
• And my “Lessons from the Heart” book ready for your download purchase.
Go to Home Page: www.BoSebastian.com

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

Also, look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to Effective Change” with a Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my Website in the Webstore. Thanks!

Please follow and like us:
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