Being single after being in a successful and loving relationship is a hard place to be. Most times what one feels is the sense that you have lost every person you who has ever loved you—all at the same time. The emotions flood back as if, even issues of your mother leaving your father, had something to do with your own self-worth. This psychological processing feels like a breakdown, but could be a breakthrough, if you are observant and let yourself feel the pain that rests far beneath the surface of your same and happy place. Some people call this visiting the “Dark Night of the Soul.” Most times, at the end of that tunnel is a bright light.
Often when someone finds him/herself in a new phase of life, at an older age, the outlook appears bleak. Most of the securely attached people are already in a good relationship. If you need a date that has a full set of teeth, doesn’t smoke, and has some sense of spirituality, you may have to be patient. You put your own search criteria in your profile (happy, secure, financially stable, and nice looking) and you often come up with is what Charlie Brown often got in his Halloween sack—a ROCK!
It’s easy to look around you and think that everyone is happy and satisfied with his/her dating or intimate life. But, as a life coach, I see the side of people who are generally unhappy with what’s going on in that scenario. People don’t often feel completely fulfilled in relationship. If it’s family, two kids, and a man with a good job that you’re looking for, you will probably find it, but you probably will find yourself saddled with children and not having much intimacy with your husband. It would appear to me, as someone who looks in from the outside, that most people usually desire a picture or template of what happiness “should” look like, instead of searching for authentic love and peace within themselves.
Relationship has to start out with some seed of connection. Each of you has to have a spark of interest that continues to increase with each step forward. But that seed can’t exist unless it has been buried beneath the ground for the cold winter and knows what that feels like. You can’t force that to happen, as many try to do without succeeding. I don’t care how much money you have, how many cars you own, or how beautiful you are, you still end up having to go through all the same steps in relationship, first with yourself, then with someone else. If you’re lucky, some of those hard times can be with someone secure who will mirror your insecurities and give you a resting place for your soul.
If you are beginning again at an older age, just get used to the idea that you have limited time to find the right one. If he or she doesn’t appear, you’re going to have to create a life that you’ll be happy with anyway! Amen? Usually, what happens is that happy and satisfied people end up finding true love, because people are attracted to happiness. If you carry around the baggage of anxious behavior, you will rarely attract a secure person. You may attract an avoidant person who recognizes your need for relationship and will later use your anxiousness to manipulate you. That isn’t a good thing for anyone.
If you find that you are an anxiously attached person, get into therapy and work on getting comfortable in your own skin. You have to enjoy your own life before you can connect with another healthy individual. Trust me, almost anyone can feel when your happiness depends upon him/her. That may be why a great deal of happy people run when they get into sound relationships. When it would appear that an individual has become transparent and is satisfied with only you, it scares the person. They would much rather live on the edge of thinking that you could live without them. Then they will stay attached. What a stupid game to play. But that happens more than you know.
Obviously, most times in relationship, we deal with underdeveloped communication skills and end up unhappy 50% of the time, especially when we depend upon our partners to act in a certain way. This is why it is paramount to be happy with your self first. Get that and get it in the deepest way and you’ll always be able to come back to some sense of peace at the end of the day.
On a separate note, I hope you get a chance to enjoy my new book, “Finding Authentic You.” There are 365 daily spirit-mind-body discoveries. You can now find it on Amazon and Amazon Kindle. Below are the links. If you’re like to follow along with a group, there is also an online Year to Clear Challenge described below.
TOOLS FOR CHANGE:
Go to Storefront to buy any of the following or make a donation to Finding Authentic You: www.shop.bosebastian.com
• Introduction to Meditation
• Smoke Cessation mp3
• Weight Loss mp3
• Hypnotic Lap Band surgery Mp3
• Insomnia mp3
• Eternal Om mp3
• Meditation Music mp3
• Guide to Meditation mp3
• Healing the Body mp3
• And my “Lessons from the Heart” book ready for your download purchase.
Go to Home Page: www.BoSebastian.com
New Challenge: Go to Week 13 of the “Year to CLEAR Challenge” at www.Bosebastian.com
Go to www.bosebastian.com for Week One to Four Challenges:
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.
I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.
Also, look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to Effective Change” with a Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my Website in the Webstore. Thanks!