This Sleuth was a bad boy and has gained some INTEL from going undercover on a popular website for sexual predators, Craigslist.org. I’m not saying all people go to this site for sex. Many go to sell and advertise. But a part of this free site allows anyone to sign on, add a picture, and advertise almost any kind of sexual behavior in the Personals Section. No judgment here. I just want to understand a few things about married or committed men and their “down low” behavior, so that I don’t get stuck in this pattern again.
I made two posts to the Dating and Relationships section of the personals—Man seeks Man. First Post:
I sent one of the nicest pictures I have of myself. I said I was forthright, honest, and that I was looking to date or for relationship. Not one single person answered the ad.
I took a picture of my shirtless torso, cropped off my head, posted it under the casual encounters with this heading: Married Dude Looking.
I wrote in my profile: “Married dude only looking for other married dude, nsa (that means “no strings attached in the Internet dating world). Really don’t like doing this, but I’m really h##ny and I haven’t had sex with my wife in 5 years. Staying together cause of the kids. Here’s a pic of my body. Jock and fit and good looking. You be too. No smokers.”
I can’t even count how many men replied within minutes, saying, “I’m in the same boat. Let’s trade pictures and get together. Most were willing to send face pictures. Two of them went as far as setting up a time to meet and renting a hotel room. Each said he would pay for the room with cash, because I told each that my wife would know if I spent the money. We were on a budget.”
The guys who answered were normal, good-looking, businessmen, who were gay, but pretending that they were straight for the purpose of keeping up appearances. In my book about Authenticity, you can’t say you’re one thing and be another without someday getting caught, major anxiety, or having some kind of addiction to cover your stress of living two lives.
Married men on the down low is now happening in epidemic proportions. If you are married and your husband or partner or wife is acting in a guarded way, creating space in his/her life with long pauses, you may want to become suspicious. You should ask probing questions, such as, “Who was at the gym? What did you do for three hours? Do you ever hang out in the wet area? What kind of people frequent that area?”
If a man is taking extended absence from home time, he is probably using something like the gym as a sexual outlet. Gyms are breeding grounds for sexual misconduct. The YMCA, a family gym, has had to oust countless members over the years for unbecoming sexual behavior in the Jacuzzi, steam room, and sauna. You would never know these men were gay or bi-sexual in their normal lives, unless you were a sleuth. I have had a few partners have affairs, and I caught them each time. When I became suspicious, I checked emails, cell phones, and computers, and asked friends to check up on them. I believe that in a trusting, monogamous relationship, you should be completely transparent. When your partner starts getting texts and emails and phone calls that require an exit from the room, you better believe something suspicious is going on.
You know the first thing that happens when you go to therapy and one person in the monogamous couple cheats? If the cheater wants to stay in the relationship, he or she has to be open to complete transparency on the phone, computer, and with any questions about absence in time. However, I know someone who is a sex addict and uses his work computer to do his dirty work. Then, uses that excuse that he was at work, when he hooks-up. He could get fired at any moment if he got caught. Anyone could get fired who uses a work computer for sex, unless you own the business.
Most of these guys are executives and have the wherewithal to take off from work whenever they want. However, most of the dirty work happens on business trips. Almost everyone I know who has had an affair has done so while away from home in hotels and on the Internet. I even know of a married, very committed minister go away almost weekly for a job. One day he came back HIV positive and had to “out” himself to his wife and children to protect their health. He went as far as trying to go to sexual reorientation therapy to stay in his marriage. The entire time, though, he was having sex with men while away from home. He ended up divorced. Rarely, do those therapies work. Also, they are really against any Psychological Protocol. Gay is not a mental disease! You can’t find the behavior in any textbook as being a sickness. Also, straight people do the same things to their partners. But, that’s not my focus, right now.
So, if you are a wife busy with the kids and creating a healthy life for yourself, you would often never notice, especially, if your sexual life with your partner has become stale. Listen, I tell you this, because you are at risk when you have sex with a partner who is probably having unprotected sex. Married men are the stupidest when it comes to protecting themselves from disease. Most cheaters get caught because they bring home an STD.
I have known people who have had secret relationships for years without the other partner knowing, mostly because the cheater would make an appointment each week to have sex at home. I remember when I caught the cheaters in my life, those were the times I was being treated with the most respect and getting flowers and candy. Cheaters vet their prey and become involved with partners who have anxious attachment disorder, so that as they become avoidant, the person with whom they have the affair, becomes completely attached and wants to protect the one he or she loves from getting caught. Why? Because getting caught would mean that the relationship would end. An anxious attachment style does not want that to happen.
Be cautious and aware. That’s the advice of this Sex sleuth today!
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