Tag: Coping with Rejection

Not Easy—But Powerful

A good friend asked me about getting rid of the trauma of rejection. She shared that it follows her most days and eats at her mind and happiness. I told her that, often, I have to deal with the same kind of Post Traumatic Syndrome Disease (PTSD) and Attachment Disorder. In fact, if anything has plagued me my entire life, it has been the FEAR of rejection. Fear is an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real.

Nothing in life can hurt as bad as rejection if you have been wounded as a child, except, of course, the fear of rejection. Anticipating that which we believe will happen, often brings more anxiety than the actual feeling.

In one case, recently, in my life, I had sent out three emails and left two voice messages to a business associate. A week went by with no answers to any of them. I had the feeling of impending doom hit about midweek. “She doesn’t like me anymore. She doesn’t want to work with me anymore. I’m not talented enough, handsome enough, basically, good enough to keep her attention.”

In this case I used Self Inquiry. Now, I know I’ve spoken of this process before in my blogs, but I’ll reiterate and, perhaps, explain it in a different way and from a different perspective.

The initial idea about self-inquiry is the recognition that we have more than one character living in our heads, or more than one perspective to view our thought process. Some thoughts, especially deep-seated wounds, act as if they have a voice of their own.

They respond, they shout at you, and often they make you sad and depressed with their self-deprecating words. You can come into agreement with me about this multi-voiced being living in our brains if you simply ask yourself, “Who is speaking?” when you hear a critical remark in your mind.

I know this voice certainly isn’t the self-assured man I walk around with daily. I know the voice is some very young boy lurking deep in the inner recesses of my mind.

So, I get to know him. Find out what he’s feeling. Ask him what he needs to make him happy. Attend to his need to assuage the fear of rejection. All of these things are necessary in our move toward self-care.

Most importantly, though, self-discussion is about revealing the truth of a situation. This character often brings to the table an eschewed version of the truth. The majority of the time, we operate psychologically on the premise of false facts. In the case of my business associate, for instance, I wrote to my agent and the agent’s assistant at the same time. Both had thought the other had answered the phone messages and the emails. Neither had answered, though, until I wrote to just one and inquired.

I spent a week wondering about the fact that my acting agent didn’t want me as a client anymore, when I operated on a false premise from the beginning. I reacted to that little boy inside who fears the worst.

I did ask myself some pertinent questions at the end of the week: Do I know for certain that my emails and phone calls were ignored? After thinking about it and deliberating, no one can be certain of another person’s activities if he or she is not in the presence of what’s happening. So, I came to the decision, that I had no idea if either my agent or her assistant had gotten my emails or intentionally ignored them. This led me to write the final email that got an answer.

Persistence and finding truth about any situation is the primary reason we use self-inquiry. When you discover the truth, you lose the FEAR of rejection, which is the primary cause for the PTSD reaction. If you have someone say to you, “Yes, I didn’t answer your phone call because I don’t like you anymore,” this actually is easier to face than not having the truth.

So, if you can convince yourself that the truth is worth hearing, because it will bring resolution; then you will continue in your discovery of what’s real and what isn’t until you come to the end of your rejection.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. FOR COMMENTS: Go to the Bo Sebastian link under the title and there is a place there to create a comment. Thanks.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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Coping with Rejection 101

Rejection doesn’t feel fun to anyone. If you asked the most handsome and most beautiful people in the world, I’m sure they would give you the same answers as the normal folks who have a few extra pounds and aren’t in the best shape of their lives. When a job or a person gives you the thumbs down, you feel like shit. I guess, if you are used to not being rejected, you feel even worse.

I have asked about 4000 people to answer a couple questions about rejection. Most of them rejected me!~)

If you are an anxiously attached personality, the first thing you would want to do is gain the person’s friendship whom rejected you physically. You would feel that if you could salvage anything out of this relationship, it would be worth not feeling the pain. Also, the inner intent is to show the person what they are really missing without having you in his/her life.

For the anxiously attached when it comes to being single and looking for relationship, this is the worse case scenario you can put yourself into. You begin to try to win someone’s love instead of just being who you are and attracting people who love you for no extraneous reason, such as you being helpful and nice and overly giving.

Many avoidant people love the way anxiously attached to avoidantly attached works out for them. They reject someone, then they use the situation to get what they need from someone who adores them and wants to gain back some of their love. As I said before, it’s a no-win situation for the anxious personality. Do yourself a favor and simply move on. Don’t try to make a friendship out of it, unless you know for certain that your intention is for no other reason than to just be friends. Only you can answer that question.

What I have noticed is that those who get through rejection fairly easily seem to have a mature outlook on the trying process. In other words, they look at trying something or asking someone out as simply a possibility, so a rejection doesn’t bother them. People who have a healthy look at rejection look at life as more of a lottery. If they try something then get rejected or lose, it’s just life. But they may try and get lucky too. So why not put their name and face out there and expect for the best?

My personal point of view is almost moot in this conversation. But I guess it would be more pertinent than I would perceive, because most people are more like I am than in the category of being great at rejection.

A couple weeks ago, I just said hello to someone on-line whom I thought was fairly good looking and had a nice profile. He responded curtly: “I am not interested. Please don’t contact me.”

I don’t know this man, but I took it personally. I looked back at my email. It was fairly innocuous. But who knows how many crazies he has contacting him. Or he might not even be the person in the picture.

There are people online who have been rejected a lot, so they post a picture of someone handsome or beautiful. Then wait for good-looking, self-confident people to approach them, only to slam-dunk them with an ugly response. This, of course, they do to fulfill a sense of redemption for all the pain they have incurred over the years. I have known a couple people who have done this kind of prank. It’s not pretty, but it is a possibility.

When you get right down to it, with almost 80% of our relationships starting with online introductions, we either have to learn to have a thicker skin about rejection or get out of the game completely. I know this is what I keep telling myself.

The one good thing I say to myself is this: “Look, Bo, you are very particular about the kind of person you are attracted to both mentally and physically. If you are allowed to be particular and reject some people, shouldn’t someone else be able to have that same right without any feeling of condemnation from you or toward yourself?”

Most of the time, I have to say that, if I really think on that question, I allay most of my bad self-esteem issues.

I friend, Mr. Thomas Brothers, who is studying for is masters in counseling gave me this wonderfully authentic and compassionate response for those who need a rejection letter that says something more than just: you are not it!

Dear (person):

I know you had hoped we would be a match, but there are things like chemistry and friendship that I find important as glue that holds a relationship together. I do not feel these bonds strongly with you. You are a great person with many qualities I find attractive and I wish I had for myself. I know I be wasting your time if I tried to make this work with you. There is someone out there who does deserve what you have to offer. I wish you the best in finding him/her.

Best wishes,

I think this rejection letter says it all perfectly. It is exactly what I would like to hear from someone I tried to pursue. Please feel free to copy it somewhere and use it when you feel it is appropriate.

Happy hunting.
Bo

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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