A good friend asked me about getting rid of the trauma of rejection. She shared that it follows her most days and eats at her mind and happiness. I told her that, often, I have to deal with the same kind of Post Traumatic Syndrome Disease (PTSD) and Attachment Disorder. In fact, if anything has plagued me my entire life, it has been the FEAR of rejection. Fear is an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real.
Nothing in life can hurt as bad as rejection if you have been wounded as a child, except, of course, the fear of rejection. Anticipating that which we believe will happen, often brings more anxiety than the actual feeling.
In one case, recently, in my life, I had sent out three emails and left two voice messages to a business associate. A week went by with no answers to any of them. I had the feeling of impending doom hit about midweek. “She doesn’t like me anymore. She doesn’t want to work with me anymore. I’m not talented enough, handsome enough, basically, good enough to keep her attention.”
In this case I used Self Inquiry. Now, I know I’ve spoken of this process before in my blogs, but I’ll reiterate and, perhaps, explain it in a different way and from a different perspective.
The initial idea about self-inquiry is the recognition that we have more than one character living in our heads, or more than one perspective to view our thought process. Some thoughts, especially deep-seated wounds, act as if they have a voice of their own.
They respond, they shout at you, and often they make you sad and depressed with their self-deprecating words. You can come into agreement with me about this multi-voiced being living in our brains if you simply ask yourself, “Who is speaking?” when you hear a critical remark in your mind.
I know this voice certainly isn’t the self-assured man I walk around with daily. I know the voice is some very young boy lurking deep in the inner recesses of my mind.
So, I get to know him. Find out what he’s feeling. Ask him what he needs to make him happy. Attend to his need to assuage the fear of rejection. All of these things are necessary in our move toward self-care.
Most importantly, though, self-discussion is about revealing the truth of a situation. This character often brings to the table an eschewed version of the truth. The majority of the time, we operate psychologically on the premise of false facts. In the case of my business associate, for instance, I wrote to my agent and the agent’s assistant at the same time. Both had thought the other had answered the phone messages and the emails. Neither had answered, though, until I wrote to just one and inquired.
I spent a week wondering about the fact that my acting agent didn’t want me as a client anymore, when I operated on a false premise from the beginning. I reacted to that little boy inside who fears the worst.
I did ask myself some pertinent questions at the end of the week: Do I know for certain that my emails and phone calls were ignored? After thinking about it and deliberating, no one can be certain of another person’s activities if he or she is not in the presence of what’s happening. So, I came to the decision, that I had no idea if either my agent or her assistant had gotten my emails or intentionally ignored them. This led me to write the final email that got an answer.
Persistence and finding truth about any situation is the primary reason we use self-inquiry. When you discover the truth, you lose the FEAR of rejection, which is the primary cause for the PTSD reaction. If you have someone say to you, “Yes, I didn’t answer your phone call because I don’t like you anymore,” this actually is easier to face than not having the truth.
So, if you can convince yourself that the truth is worth hearing, because it will bring resolution; then you will continue in your discovery of what’s real and what isn’t until you come to the end of your rejection.
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. FOR COMMENTS: Go to the Bo Sebastian link under the title and there is a place there to create a comment. Thanks.
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