Tag: Forgiveness

A View from the Top Bunk

When I was a kid, I slept on the top bunk after a short stint on the bottom one. My elder brother, six years to be exact, had the authority, then, to make these kinds of decisions. Besides, he got to bed much later than I and didn’t want to disturb me. As if masturbation every night at midnight wasn’t a deterrent for sleep.

What exactly was he doing down there? my young mind thought. Moaning and thrashing about as if he was down there with some pretty young thing. I never asked. He never told.

Actually, I already knew. Before the bunk beds, my brother and I slept in the same queen bed for about six years—long enough for him to introduce me to his midnight issues. But with me, his affair fell right after my early bedtime.

A soft whisper. “Can I… you know?” He played with my hair and caressed my 8-year-old butt. Sometimes he would kiss me on the neck… begging… and breathing.

Ah, the raw memories of sexual abuse. They would rob me of sleep until about 10 years ago, when I took my childhood back.

I don’t demonize my brother. I don’t fault my father and mother for not protecting me from a horny brother, who probably had been sexually abused before me. I simply give none of what happened in the past any negative thought. It is almost as if it was another lifetime, completely.

Everything that had happened in my past had a purpose—a divine reason—even the horrible nightmare things, like the queen-sized bed.

My mom recently told me that my brother thinks that I’m the only sibling in the family who cares about him. I don’t know if he’s correct about that. I simply wonder about what he thinks? How he thinks or deals with the memories. I’m more curious than caring, to be honest. But, I never ask. He never tells.

Sometimes silence heals if you understand the peace that can come with it.

I am an actor by trade. I have learned to embrace the truth of other characters besides me. In my search for each character’s authentic reality, I often make up amazing pasts to build a strong back-story, it’s called in the acting world. I have more fun with this part of the process than I should. It’s my time to rewrite the words of the author so they fit me more snugly. This back-story helps me relate to the character’s malevolence, depravity, or intricate love they bring to the stage or screen.

I left the theater for a long time, because I felt as if I was avoiding my own back-story to play with other’s lives. Acting was an easier choice than reality. Plus, an added bonus was the applause at the end of the night. Praise and adulation for making people believe you were someone you’re not. And I got paid for it, while most of the world does this every day, every minute, every second.

Honestly, I’m tired of so many people living their lives asleep or in total avoidance.

When will we all stop to be still? When will we give thought to the purpose of our humanity and make some sense of the maelstrom of our pasts?

It’s in the undoing that you become one step closer to your spiritual purpose on Earth.

Take a breath. Take a moment. Let silence draw you to the path of total understanding. I have and am finally at peace.

Don’t let another day pass, acting as if none of it happened, every jot and tittle matters more that Who You Are!

 

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Blinded by the Limelight

Just how bright does the Limelight need to get before one gets blinded by it and can’t see the people he or she faces?

I have noticed that the limelight is feeling way too comfortable for many people lately, especially those who have been abused.

I know how it feels to face cameras and have to tell an unscripted story before millions. This is a scary process, even when you are a professional actor. It’s way easier to recite lines as a character you have studied and dissected than to talk about betrayal, when you are rife with emotion.

When people come onto the news and are completely comfortable as if scripted and tell their stories of being abused and are a little too comfortable, I get a bit suspect, unless they too are professionals. Even then, imagine having to tell the world you were touched in explicit places.

I want the perpetrators punished and admit their wrong doing. Absolutely. No doubt about that. But it seems that those who admit they were wrong are being held to worse standards than those who have the audacity to say, “I have never done such things! I don’t believe I ever said that,” even though it was taped or on video.

Craziness is all around us.

Where did the phrase “in the limelight” come from?

The origins of “in the limelight,” which refers to being the focus of public attention, are linked to a type of stage lighting that was popular in the 19th century. The “lime” in limelight has nothing to do with the green citrus fruit but rather with a chemical compound, calcium oxide, also known as quicklime that was then used to make a spotlight.

When I stepped into the limelight and was able and willing to voice what I felt for a family member to betray my trust and sexually abuse me, I did feel much better.

But, you know something? It didn’t change a damn thing. Time passed. People have forgotten. And everyone wants life to go back to normal. Even this person acts as if nothing ever happened between us. I can hold on to the hurt. Or I can simply forgive, which seems the easier of the two choices. Is it, though?

Ultimately, if forgiveness isn’t the goal of you exposing your perpetrators, then you might as well go back into the darkness, because now you have the entire world waiting for you to either condemn this person until you die (which will take a hell of a lot of energy) or release this person to the light of forgiveness.

Yes, people need to face the convictions of what they did in the past. But as for the ones who are coming forward and apologizing, what is there left to do but forgive? You don’t have to let any perpetrator back into your life. But, you do, however, have to change your way of thinking about the past.

The light is a healing force—not a condemning force. Know this fact before you step into the limelight. The light of God will get more and more intense until you’re willing to let go, either of the circumstance or your own health, because ultimately that what unforgiveness does—affects your health.

I have known people who hadn’t forgiven. These same people shriveled up and died a quick death from heart-related issues. The heart chakra holds a great deal of energy for the health of your body. If the heart chakra is depleted, you keep negative energy in your heart, veins, and arteries. You know that this will only make you a sad and ill person.

It’s time to not only open up about these things, but also forgive.

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I’m Thinking About TRUST!

Yesterday I was reminded of my old story from my past that I may have relived in other ways had I understood #trust during that time of my life. Basically, I thought that I would completely lose #faith&trust after just one failure to live up to a mutual promise of monogamy. Today, I wonder if in an eight-year relationship if I had failed by not forgiving. But, you can judge for yourself.

My partner of 8 years left his e-mail open, which led me to discover that he was having an affair with the partner I was with before him (that relationship was 7 years)! It was anyone’s nightmare. Trust me, it had been mine.

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Life is full of moments that make up your story. Some are good, some bad. Some are just not all that memorable. However, every day as we surge forward with our desires and wishes, we intersect with other humans. This connection to my ex-partner was dynamic in a way that it changed me completely—it kept me from trusting and left me desperately anxious for a long time.

Yesterday, my husband and I were at a friend’s house discussing one of my books “Learning Alone,” in which I share how relationships can actually be the critical structure of your life, by mapping out my life according to relationship. David, my husband, took the liberty of sharing the story I eluded to at the beginning, which led me to explain a bit about what happened.

My ex was going through a change of life. He woke up one day and literally was someone my friends and I didn’t recognize. He was drinking, making stupid mistakes, and hanging with people I didn’t know well enough to judge. During this dark time we barely spoke. It was just after a couple of months of being totally rude and mean that he had the affair.

Our friend, who is a film director, saw through the lens of his movie-making mind. He said, “Your ex knew that your first partner was mean and abusive. So, it sounds as if he sought out his own punishment for straying from your relationship!”

I replied, “My ex and I cried in each other’s arms all night the evening I discovered what had happened. He seemed truly sorry for hurting me. In my angst, I asked him to leave, as I thought I would never be able to trust him again.”

My husband interjected: “I know I wouldn’t have been able to trust him again.”

But I sat there wondering… It’s a good thing to deliberate decisions from the past as if you are an onlooker of a story that could have had a different ending. I don’t believe we should condemn our past decisions, but we can’t learn from them if we don’t try to see the situation from many different perspectives. Sometimes, those perspectives can only come from growing and maturing. Such as is the case with this decision to ask my partner of 8 years to leave our home.

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