I had a second date last night with a nice guy. He was not the guy I would usually attracted to. I am sincerely trying to find kind, compassionate, caring men with the capacity to actually have a relationship. I thought, after a lot of conversations and a great first date, this guy was a good possibility.
He invited me over to his posh downtown condo for dinner, which to me, meant he was serious about getting to know me. I thought the evening went great. We laughed, we have a bit of touching, a couple kisses, but nothing too passionate, and spent a few hours talking about things that matter to the both of us, spirituality included.
This morning I got a text that said: “You’re a great guy, but… Let’s just be friends!”
To tell you the truth, I wasn’t too shocked by it. I had hopes that he would be different. But there were so many small indications that he wasn’t into moving forward after about the first hour. Although he sat next to me with his legs a bit entangled in mine, his arms were crossed though—a sure sign of protecting his heart. When a commercial came on the television, instead of focusing on me, he got irritated about something in the commercial—a sure sign he was trying to deflect focus. When I asked him if we could make plans to see each other again, he told me that his computer was off and could he call me the next day, even though I knew he made appointments on his cell phone and it was clearly turned on, as I had heard it go off several time during the evening. He said leaving the planning to tomorrow would be a good excuse to call me the next day.
Many of the things he did were what’s known as bate and release, pursuer-distancer, or avoidantly attached behavior. You see, he told me that his last partner had ended up being a cocaine addict, which he didn’t realize until after 6 months. He spent the evening tidying up and moving miniscule things around instead of sitting with me. By the time I left, even though he told me we would be getting together soon, I knew he had made up his mind I didn’t have the right chemistry for him.
When I look at what the right “chemistry” for me was before I read the book “Attached,” I was completely blind to the fact that everything I looked for in romance was actually just about the opposite of what I actually seeked. When someone felt like he was unable to attach, it made me more interested and attracted. Chemistry is just a good word for neuro-pathways in our brains that tell us we feel comfortable with a person’s mating dance.
The truth, if you choose to accept it, is that most of us have been looking for the wildest, most flamboyant feathers of the male bird strutting across our paths, when we actually should be searching for strong character and compassion and the subtle feathers of a robin. It was clear this man was attracted to me initially, because he found me on-line. He chose to have a second date. So, what I see in his behavior has nothing to do with me, but gives me a lot of reason to believe he has no idea how to search for secure attachment. You don’t give up after two dates if you have attraction and you think a person is genuinely sweet and nice. You wait to see if attraction develops, because true love doesn’t come from just looks, it comes from mutual respect for each other and is born of great friendship and time spent, along with attraction.
Let’s face it, when it’s all said and done, what you really end up with in relationship is a friend you share intimacy with. So, looking for someone secure is an art. Even when you feel as if you are on the right track, the person you may see as secure, may not be on the same path as you or as bright as you when it comes to picking a partner. That was the case with this date.
I did something I have never done before when I got the text. I deleted his number and name from my phone, without ever answering the text. I won’t be a pursuer again. That is my honor and truth to protect my heart and my self-esteem. I’m not going to give my power away to people who are not of the same ilk as I am. And neither should you.
Keep your chin up. Keep looking. That great person who sees you as wonderful and respects and loves you just as you are is out there. Eventually, if you can keep your heart open and vulnerable through this hard process, you will find him or her.
* * *
Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.
I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.
And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.