Tag: Let’s Just be Friends

“Let’s Just Be Friends!”

I had a second date last night with a nice guy. He was not the guy I would usually attracted to. I am sincerely trying to find kind, compassionate, caring men with the capacity to actually have a relationship. I thought, after a lot of conversations and a great first date, this guy was a good possibility.

He invited me over to his posh downtown condo for dinner, which to me, meant he was serious about getting to know me. I thought the evening went great. We laughed, we have a bit of touching, a couple kisses, but nothing too passionate, and spent a few hours talking about things that matter to the both of us, spirituality included.

This morning I got a text that said: “You’re a great guy, but… Let’s just be friends!”

To tell you the truth, I wasn’t too shocked by it. I had hopes that he would be different. But there were so many small indications that he wasn’t into moving forward after about the first hour. Although he sat next to me with his legs a bit entangled in mine, his arms were crossed though—a sure sign of protecting his heart. When a commercial came on the television, instead of focusing on me, he got irritated about something in the commercial—a sure sign he was trying to deflect focus. When I asked him if we could make plans to see each other again, he told me that his computer was off and could he call me the next day, even though I knew he made appointments on his cell phone and it was clearly turned on, as I had heard it go off several time during the evening. He said leaving the planning to tomorrow would be a good excuse to call me the next day.

Many of the things he did were what’s known as bate and release, pursuer-distancer, or avoidantly attached behavior. You see, he told me that his last partner had ended up being a cocaine addict, which he didn’t realize until after 6 months. He spent the evening tidying up and moving miniscule things around instead of sitting with me. By the time I left, even though he told me we would be getting together soon, I knew he had made up his mind I didn’t have the right chemistry for him.

When I look at what the right “chemistry” for me was before I read the book “Attached,” I was completely blind to the fact that everything I looked for in romance was actually just about the opposite of what I actually seeked. When someone felt like he was unable to attach, it made me more interested and attracted. Chemistry is just a good word for neuro-pathways in our brains that tell us we feel comfortable with a person’s mating dance.

The truth, if you choose to accept it, is that most of us have been looking for the wildest, most flamboyant feathers of the male bird strutting across our paths, when we actually should be searching for strong character and compassion and the subtle feathers of a robin. It was clear this man was attracted to me initially, because he found me on-line. He chose to have a second date. So, what I see in his behavior has nothing to do with me, but gives me a lot of reason to believe he has no idea how to search for secure attachment. You don’t give up after two dates if you have attraction and you think a person is genuinely sweet and nice. You wait to see if attraction develops, because true love doesn’t come from just looks, it comes from mutual respect for each other and is born of great friendship and time spent, along with attraction.

Let’s face it, when it’s all said and done, what you really end up with in relationship is a friend you share intimacy with. So, looking for someone secure is an art. Even when you feel as if you are on the right track, the person you may see as secure, may not be on the same path as you or as bright as you when it comes to picking a partner. That was the case with this date.

I did something I have never done before when I got the text. I deleted his number and name from my phone, without ever answering the text. I won’t be a pursuer again. That is my honor and truth to protect my heart and my self-esteem. I’m not going to give my power away to people who are not of the same ilk as I am. And neither should you.

Keep your chin up. Keep looking. That great person who sees you as wonderful and respects and loves you just as you are is out there. Eventually, if you can keep your heart open and vulnerable through this hard process, you will find him or her.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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Let’s Just Be Friends

Have you ever had a budding relationship happening? It seemed to be heading in the right direction. You’ve communicated. You were laughing and having fun together. You were planning things together on a regular basis. You were being intimate, but just intimate enough for the rate the relationship was going. But suddenly—and I mean suddenly—the person just said: LET’S BE FRIENDS!

The first thing that goes through your mind is total embarrassment. “Really? After two months of kissing, dating, relating, and me thinking things were going forward, out of nowhere, you want this to stop. What would make you think I would want to be friends?”

Those words would go through any sane person’s mind. You would have to be Mother Theresa, with Mother Theresa’s sexual promiscuity to think it was okay. Of course, the next step is to have sex and to get more intimate. So, it would be very, very important for that person you are with to make sure you are the right person; otherwise, he or she will be dragging you down a road that would be an unfair journey. So, you see that the person who asked you to be friends actually values you, but doesn’t think you have enough chemistry or enough in common to go the distance. It’s not that bad a thing to say.

I was once dating this guy and really enjoying our time together until he told me that he thought President Obama was the Anti-Christ and that Sara Palin and Paul Ryan would have made the perfect presidential couple. I’m vomiting a little just thinking about it. Even after really liking a person, can you really even hang with a person who thinks diametrically opposed to you in something that is so important to you? I’m not so sure. I have tried that a couple times, and it just didn’t work.

I wonder how people who are reading this have actually said “I want to just be friends” and how many people have actually heard it from a partner. For me, I’ve said it and heard it a couple times.

I’d like to site an example of a person I thought was absolutely wonderful in everyway. I wouldn’t have dated him for three or four months had I not believed there was something there to work on. But when it comes down to the proper chemistry to make an intimate relationship work, there is so much more to coupling than just a resume of wonderful qualities. And this one believed so much like I did.

Sometimes it’s even the way a person smells and tastes that may turn you off. I know that there are perfumes and mouthwashes that can change those things. But, honestly, a natural smell is not something that can be smothered easily.

Then there is kissing. I can’t imagine having a partner who didn’t kiss in a way that was comfortable and magical. I have been on dates where the kisses were like some projecting reptile tongue or the lips were so tight and unshaven that I was left with a skin rash that looked as though I had a bad case of razor burn.

I remember one very wonderful date said to me, “If there is something that I can do to make you feel better about kissing or anything, just let me know. I’ll work on it.” I tried explaining what I needed. He tried. Much to both of our dismays, we were just unsuccessful at our ability to be intimate.

But friendship lasted, absolutely. I would miss a couple of these friends terribly if they every left my life. I’m glad that each of them was able to move forward without being in an intimate relationship with me. I hope that someday I can be the better guy and be able to allow friendship to blossom from a few of my more recent relationships.

The transition from relationship to friendship—intimacy to casual talk—is a hard one. This transition takes being blatantly honest and the ability to take the past and leave it behind you. You have to be able to forgive completely and not be obsessed with your own loss or your own inability to make things work when you see the other person dating again. That is what makes the process the hardest. Turning a blind eye to what you couldn’t provide for that person and not blaming it on yourself is probably the hardest task in this process.

Most therapists would suggest leaving these old relationships behind, if not forever, at least for a year or two. As a coach, I have led people to the same decision. I have just begun a friendship with my last partner from a couple years ago. It is like starting over in some ways, and in other ways it is like coming home.

But one thing that you have to be very careful of is dragging an old relationship into a new one. So, if you are planning to become good friends with an old partner, you better make sure that whomever you are planning to date in the future is cool with it.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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