Tag: on-line dating

What If I Never Find My Soul Mate?

I went out with a man tonight for coffee. It was a first meeting from getting acquainted on an online site. He was nice enough, cute enough, was fifty years old, but had never been in a long-term relationship in his entire life. The longest time he had ever spent with someone was six months. He also had never lived with someone. Those final qualities scared me off from having another date.

I asked him, “Why don’t you think you have ever had a long-term relationship?”

He told me, “I just haven’t found the right person.”

I wondered, have you just not found the right person or are you impossible to be around for longer than six months? I’m sorry for saying that or for feeling it. He never said anything but kind and nice things the entire time I spoke with him. But I left feeling something strange: Who is luckier? Him for never having met the right person? Or me, who has found love for a long period of time and had lost it?

I have to be honest, since my last break-up I have had the kinds of thoughts I teach clients to resist and reframe. I feel like I’m never going to find the person who will fit like a glove, who will be my friend and intimate partner, who will want to stay with me for the good times and the bad.

The truth is that when someone leaves you or you go through a traumatic break up, you actually have a time when you feel like you are the one responsible, even if it wasn’t your fault. I honestly did everything I could to be the right person for my last partner. I would have gone to counseling. I would have bought anything I needed to make him feel comfortable. I did give up a lot of my likes to appease him and spend time with him doing the things he enjoyed. But nothing was enough. It left me feeling like “I” wasn’t enough.

This is a normal feeling to experience when you go through a break up. Everyone goes through this, expect, perhaps, a narcissist. I did what I needed to do to break the cycle of bad thinking. I went out last weekend, even though I hate bars and loud, crowded places. I actually had a great time with some friends. I had a couple people become interested. I felt like I kind of got my swagger back, which I needed desperately. Staying at home with your mother night after night and watching hours of television while feeding your face is not what you want for the rest of your life.

I have met a couple nice guys since my ex and I broke up, but I’m not sure if any one of them is exactly right for me. And, it seems, the ones I like the best are the ones who are either unavailable or not as interested as I.

As a friend just recently told me: It is never about attracting the right person, it is about the timing of finding the right person at the right moment, when you are both in the same place of wanting to settle into a secure relationship.

So, what do you do when you are feeling low about not having found the right person?

You do the same thing you would do if you didn’t have a job. You make a resume of all your good traits. If you have something you need to learn to be more qualified for relationships, you learn to embrace that attribute with a Life Coach or a therapist.

Then you begin to find the places that best suit your level of comfort ability to solicit your goods. For me, and apparently for most of the world, it is the Internet. Online dating seems to be the simplest way to find a person who has the goods to be a proper mate. Places to search are Match.com, PlentyofFish.com, and OkCupid.com.

I can’t recommend too many other places, because the only people I have met who I believe are viable candidates for a significant other, secure mate have been found by a computer-generated percentage of likelihood. I think this is a little sad. I wish I could say that it is easy to meet people in public and at parties, but it just isn’t in this day and age. People want to go online for everything, including intimacy. So, if you really plan to try to get yourself out there, I would recommend online dating. It is the simplest, most direct way to meet people who want to date.

Just be prepared to sift through a sea of many people, before you land on the right one. I have one more thing to tell you, especially women: Don’t hide out online too long just conversing with e-mails and texts. After just a few e-mails, begin to search for a third dimension from the two-dimensional Internet.

I have had many people spend too long never getting to meet a person and become very disappointed when they finally do meet and discover they have spent months dating someone who was more a fantasy than a real person.

Good luck on your search.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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Blithe Love

If you put twenty single men in a room and twenty single women in a room, some of them gay, some of them straight, would they naturally be attracted to people who are of like mind or would they be more attracted to people who were of the same ilk physically?

Many people say that gay men are stereotypically socially all about looks, attracted to people either just as handsome or just as rich. These people are mostly gay men who are a little over weight and not average looking according to whatever standards make these ideals or socially middle or lower class (again, I know this is a judgment that I hate to make, but I’m trying to get to a point, so bare with me).

What actually glues us together? It certainly isn’t the blithe stereotypes of social class and sexuality. Blithe means casual or cheerful indifference. Most of the love and marriages I see today don’t even resemble true love and intimacy. At best they look blithe! Why is that? Were we attracted to looks and not to substance? Did we not take enough time to see beyond the shelf life of the obvious and notice that at one point we were going to have to live with the inside and not just the skin?

This entire on-line process of dating takes us to an entirely new level of blitheness. We must take ourselves to two dimensions just to participate in the function of on-line dating, otherwise, there is no chance at meeting new people for the majority of the people out there. Socializing has come down to the same standards as shopping now—on-line it is. It’s simple. We don’t have to get off of our asses. We can do it from our own home. And… I think it becomes more of what you want to be in your profile, than what you actually are.

I’ve noticed that many people put pictures on-line of themselves when they were twenty pounds slimmer or five years younger. I’ve been doing my own personal research lately. I’ve noticed that when I ask someone for a current picture, or ask if they could take a picture on their phone right now and send it, most won’t. My guess is that their pictures on-line are an image that they hope they could someday be perceived as again, but certainly don’t look like now.

But what I don’t understand is that when these people actually attain a date from their on-line profiles, and their dates sees that they don’t look like their picture, aren’t they just setting themselves up for rejection? I would think so. Be honest about what you look like for god sakes. If you are overweight and have some rough skin, don’t do a brush job on the photo with your edit brush. The person is eventually going to see you.

I suppose this is why most people take weeks before they get compliant and will allow you to meet up for coffee and tea. I’m actually surprised at how difficult it is to meet some of these people, until I actually do. Then I realize that I wasn’t talking to the person in the picture, I was talking to a person who hoped he was the picture. No wonder he was so afraid to meet.

Now I’m becoming blithe to all of it. I went to one gay dating site this week where men are allowed to post nude pictures. Just for kicks I wanted to see what some of these profiles said. Here is an example of one of them: “Into 3-ways, fetishes, hookups, but also would be into relationship if the right guy showed up!”

My thought was: WHAT??? Do you think the universe is going to answer your request for the right guy to show up when you’re looking for everything but true intimacy? This, too, is a judgment, but really.

Another guy post a picture of an erect penis over a bowl of cereal and butterscotch sauce drizzled over himself. After looking at that, I swear I’ll never eat shredded wheat again. Really? Why oh why oh why would anyone think that was alluring or attractive? At best that would give someone an upset stomach. It sure gave me one.

After being on that site, I’m not sure I want to see a man naked again. I have friends who are massage therapists or physicians who say the same thing. I can understand it. I felt numb and unresponsive.

But as I told my friend today: “We have to keep telling ourselves that what we are looking for is intimacy, not sex. We are looking for a person to fulfill the space in our hearts that will be a friend, a confident, a joy maker, and also an intimacy maker.” When you combine all that, this entire spectrum looks a lot less blithe and lot more real.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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