Tag: on the downlow

Is Your Beard Budding?—Down Low Dudes

In 1827, Edwin Beard Budding invented the lawnmower. I wonder what yards looked like before then. I guess grass wasn’t something one nurtured like we do now like babies—watering, pruning, feeding, reseeding… Yikes, my front yard is more like a crop of various weeds, than it is grass. But as you may have figured, the beard I’m talking about isn’t Edwin.

Screen Shot 2016-05-11 at 10.04.32 AMI went out with a great new girlfriend last night for dinner and drinks. She is beautiful, lovely, fun, and just a treat for a gay man to hang with. We dished and laughed until our two margaritas ran out, and she had to pick up her young boy from football practice. In those times I wondered what the hot waiter thought about us. Was she my girlfriend, date, or just a beard? My friend told me the waiter was looking at me every time I turned away. HMMM. He looked familiar too. I was hoping this guy wasn’t someone I almost knew but was too wasted to remember in my youthful times of little integrity.

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Beards are budding all over the place. I have never known a time in my life when married men are more on the down low than ever. If you were to go on any gay dating or hook-up site, the majority of the users are married, have headless pictures to protect their anonymity, and obviously have given up on the idea that they should be true to their wives, who by now are just beards for these gay men. Yes, you heard me. Just because a married man can have the occasional “date night” sex to satisfy a wife, doesn’t mean he is straight. Most of these guys will not be able to sexually perform with the wife after a while and end up divorced at fifty.

If you are one of these wives who has a husband not able to perform, Cialis and testosterone are probably not going to help in the long run.

When I was single, I decided I was only going to go on dating sites for gay men where the men were truly interested in relationships. Yes, these sites exist: “OKCupid.com, Compatiblepartners.com, Onegoodlove.com are three I remember.

After I met the “five” available compatible men in Nashville looking for relationship, I decided to move on to the trendier gay app sites. This is when I was inundated with straight men pretending to be single. Fortunately, I had read Amir Levine’s book, “Attached.” because I asked the proper questions immediately and the news came flashing by like lightning: “Yes, I’m married, but I’m sure I can have a relationship with your, without her knowledge… We have kids and I can’t leave her… She’s my best friend… I’d never want to hurt her…” You name it, it has been said to me about these wives. Not just a couple times. Probably more like 20 times in a period of a year.

One was so bold to even invite me to meet the wife. I think maybe this one wanted to have a bit of a three-way or was awfully good at deception. Goodness. Above and beyond the obvious, having a wife as a beard is a grand guffaw in Life Authentic. You can’t be yourself, you will never be able to be yourself, and no one in your life truly knows you and loves you for who you really are if you can’t be who you truly are. How good does that feel?

I have had a few clients who were married and came out to me. Some, I was thinking, really… I could see that you were gay from the telephone! Others, maybe not. But, when it comes right down to it, if you are with someone because of your children and because of a traditional believe in a religion, you are doing a disservice to your wife and children and mostly to yourself, because everyone in your life really need to see you have courage and guts to be yourself and be proud of it.

Unfortunately, religion has much to do with our down low friends. They figure it would be easier to live in a world where they are perceived as straight and have gay dalliances only when they can’t hold on to their desire any longer without bursting into flames. They figure God will forgive a life where they are, at least, trying to follow the perceived laws of God.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. If you were God, which person would you grant mercy to: the one who was trying with all his heart to discover his authentic self and relationship to God, or the man who hid in dark rooms, on gay hook-up sites, and asked forgiveness every two weeks for the same sin?

My odds are on the first man!
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Go to Week 2 of the “Year to CLEAR Challenge”

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Below is information that I will be sharing for about a month, as not every person on my list reads the blog every day. If you have already read it, just skip over it. Thanks for understanding.

A Year to CLEAR Challenge:
(Please Know: You Can Join Us At Any Point in the Year Challenge.)

The masses search outward for things that qualify them as a person, but I always go inward for that which quantifies me for greatness. At twenty-five I preached on street corners in NYC as an in-the-closet Pentecostal minister. One day I heard a still small voice say, ‘God cannot be contained in a book or a law or even in a religion. Dig deeper, reach further to find me, and you will find your authentic Self.’”

A Year to CLEAR Challenge!

The acronym CLEAR stands for (Compassionate, Loving, Enthusiastic, And Relationship-Ready). The goal of this project is to engulf readers in a weekly study that will transform them by removing blocks, promote self-growth, and give them wings to fly freely into daily life. Each week, by going to BoSebastian.com and choosing the Year to CLEAR Challenge tab, a new challenge or thought to provoke conversation, growth, and group functionality.

My vision is to make Finding Authentic You the book to have in your Kindle or on your computer. The book is a comprehensive look at growth—spiritually, mentally, and physically.

As a yoga teacher and student of the Ayurvedic tradition, I bring to the table understanding of physical challenges, the ability to overcome mental problems with Life & Health Coaching, as well as hypnotherapy, and expertise in meditation and spirituality as a minister.

The combination of all three in one book with an interactive connection to like-minded readers, for one year, is what makes this Year to CLEAR Challenge a must-do for every spiritual seeker.

The One-Year Approach to Change

No one believes he or she can change overnight. But success in change comes from the metaphors of nature. Seasonally, life changes all around us in nature. Finding Authentic You offers a gradual change perspective, looking at the triune aspects of change as in yoga: Body, Mind and Spirit.

Accessing the ability to change and finding yourself actually pursuing change must be a daily search, which I call getting to the “observer mind.”

In this frontal cortex of the brain we find the anatomy of change and the power to counter every negative trigger of the human process. The workings of Hypnosis, NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) are all positive actions to help the mind and body flow to a positive space for change.

Every aspect of FINDING AUTHENTIC YOU fulfills this constant need for diffusing the negative past and dreaming of a fulfilling future.

Step 1: Recognize That Change is Inevitable
Step 2: Release from Resistance to Change
Step 3: Understanding Change and Allow Spirit to Define It
Step 4: A History Lesson—About You
Step 5: Look at Your Past with Compassion
Step 6: Making a Strong Commitment to Change
Step 7: Dream Your Fabulous Future
Go to www.bosebastian.com for Week One Challenge:
TOOLS FOR CHANGE:
Go to Storefront to buy any of the following or make a donation to Finding Authentic You: www.shop.bosebastian.com

• Introduction to Meditation
• Smoke Cessation mp3
• Weight Loss mp3
• Hypnotic Lap Band surgery Mp3
• Insomnia mp3
• Eternal Om mp3
• Meditation Music mp3
• Guide to Meditation mp3
• Healing the Body mp3
• And my “Lessons from the Heart” book ready for your download purchase.
Go to Home Page: www.BoSebastian.com

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

Also, be looking for “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to Effective Change” with a Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) in Early 2014. Thanks!

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Quagmire

Olivia once acted beautifully in some of the cities largest theaters. But, she gave her heart to a man when she turned 22. She immediately gave birth to two children. She gave up her career and settled into being a part-time actress, doing Community Theater in a small town in Oklahoma. She didn’t regret her decision, because she felt that family and love were more important than her future and gaining the approval of others through stage performances. Yet, something inside yearned for more.

One day, just days before her youngest child graduated high school, she received a phone call. The police had arrested her husband. The authorities wouldn’t tell Olivia the circumstances. “Come down to the station!” she heard the authoritative voice announce.

Everyone in the town knew her husband. They were the pillars of the community. They were on the board of directors for the YMCA. Dick was the president of the Rotary Club. Olivia was president of the PTA six years running. Her heart sank deeper into her stomach on the drive to the station.

When she got to the door of the police station, the local news had already pried for information. She pushed passed them and settled quickly into the foyer looking for anyone to tell her this was all a big mistake. Finally, a hefty, balding officer led her to the cell where her husband sat alone on a single cot. “I’ll leave you two alone to talk,” the officer said.

Tears already made a mess of Dick’s face. He looked disheveled and torn. Olivia ran to him and embraced him. “What happened, honey?” she asked. “Are you okay?”

Again, Dick looked down and cried. He couldn’t even meet her gaze with honesty. Olivia drew some distance away. “Tell me! What is it? How bad can it be? Were you drinking? Drunk? Stole something?”

Finally the words met his lips. “I got caught…” He broke down again, this time heaving with pain. “… having sex in the woods near the marina. I’m so… sorry!”

Olivia’s jaw dropped. Her body became still. Her face flushed. Her mind went blank. After a moment, she shook off her shock: “With who?” she whispered.

He sobbed even harder. “I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you.”

She shook him now, angrily. “With who? Tell me!”

“Jack. Pastor Jack.”

Olivia felt ashamed and dirty at the same time. She couldn’t speak. She didn’t need to ask any more questions. It was clear from Dick’s admittance that he was gay or bisexual, and she had had no idea who she faced in that moment. She trusted him with all her heart. Why would he do this—with a pastor, no less?

From that day at the police station, it took Olivia three years to get her life and career back. But she fought every day to keep her head up and continue to move forward.

Months went by before she was able to believe that this was “direction not rejection” in her life. She believed her ex-husband still loved her. She recognized that people lie and cheat. She even realized that pastors aren’t perfect. What she had trouble dealing with the most was her self-esteem. Her identity had been swallowed up by her family and husband. She had to start over, as if she were that 22-year-old, but now with twenty more years of age lines and thirty extra pounds.

She moved her life closer to her parents, near enough to the city to begin her career again. Her children were old enough to be on their own at college. This time of life was for her now. Suddenly, a world of opportunity appeared out of the muddy quagmire. She discovered an autonomy she had longed for all along. She remembered what it felt like NOW to own her feelings and became empowered by life. She was broken for a short time, but she didn’t let circumstance ruin her life.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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Confessions of an Adulterer

No one would have guessed it was I, the one everyone honored and cherished. I was the best friend, not the good friend. I was the cheerleader and confident. I gave to the poor and sat tirelessly by the bedside of the sick. I made myself a pillar of the community and of the church. I was the father of the year. I wanted to appear unblemished, because underneath I was covered with the scabs of the past.

My story is an age-old one. You know it well. I got married to my childhood sweetheart just after college. We had three children, whom I cherish more than life. I have been married for almost twenty years now and I can’t imagine what it feels like to be single. I would never trade my life for anyone else’s in the world. In fact, I have been told many times in my life that I am truly blessed and lucky. I feel those attributes like a mantel I wear daily.

Pureness and security brought me to my thorn in the flesh. At night, when everyone slept, I slipped into the den and turned on my computer. Then I could imagine what my life would have been like had I been my gay neighbor, my coworker with all the one-night stands, or my sanctimonious preacher from my church who remains single to show his unwavering love for God.

In those late nights I would watch snippets of nude movies and Google things I could only put on an Incognito Window, because when I was finished, even the computer felt dirty. But it was there in my den, late in the evening, I realized that the only thing I hadn’t done in my life was cheat. I needed to feel the essence of being bad to be whole and complete, to be a real man. I wanted to experience being in the arms of another to know the truth that I held so blithely everyday. I needed the juxtaposition between my pure life and the depths of something so vastly not me that I ached inside for impurity.

What was once every week or two in the den, became every night in the den. I would forgo loving my wife, holding her for the two-dimensional stress of searching for the perfect stranger to defile me for the sake of my own humanity.

After careful consideration of all the ramifications of my actions, I went to Craigslist and read through the ads, carefully composing one of my own. I made a dummy e-mail, a pseudonym, I made sure that whatever windows that were open were erased from the memory of the computer. Then, one night long after my intention, I finally got the courage to post the ad.

It wasn’t what I expected I would do. I found myself looking for a man, instead of a woman. Perhaps, because I didn’t think it would be as bad to be with a man. Maybe it wasn’t quite the betrayal to my wife. It would be just play. A man could understand a one-night stand, where a woman would be vulnerable, I told myself. Maybe I would meet another married man and all would be solved.

I remembered the pornography I watched in the months prior. What was it about any of those situations that I wanted to try or would be capable of trying as scared as I was then? Yet, I posted my ad. I took a picture of myself from the shoulders down. I said in the ad that I had to stay anonymous, and wanted to have a fling with a man, but wasn’t out.

A few men answered. Some disgusting. Some more lewd than I could imagine being. But one man stood out—beautiful and sexy. I could tell by his return email to me, he had some depth. I seriously didn’t expect him to be the man I met. He was warm and kind and passionate and more intelligent than almost anyone I had ever met. When I left his house, I found that I had to have more of him. Not just so much more the sex. I wanted to see him again. I pursued him like an anxious, hungry dog.

What he thought was a one-afternoon fling, ended up being a man captured by the grips of unbridled, unrequited lust. After a month of changing my work schedule almost every day, lying to my boss, lying to my wife about staying late at work, and meeting this man almost everyday, I actually fell in love with this man.

What do I do now? I think about him all the time. I wish I had not gotten married and had children, so I can play out the life we could have had together. He is my soul mate and my one true love whom I never expected to meet in my lifetime. A man, nonetheless. The only man I had ever been with.

When my wife went to sleep one evening, I snuck out to his house, because the only thing I hadn’t experienced was spending the night with him. I knew I couldn’t stay the entire evening, but I wanted to hold him and sleep in his arms for just a few hours to see what it would feel like.

When I got home that evening, my wife and my son were up. He had been sick with the stomach flu for hours. My wife asked me where I was. She had been calling me on my cell phone. I had left my phone on the desk by the computer.

I came up with an alibi about feeling antsy and wanting to take a drive listening to loud music, and didn’t want to wake anyone up. She believed me. She had no reason not to. We tended to my child together. I apologized profusely for not being there. Her focus was on my son, fortunately for me.

The next day I broke it off with him.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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