Tag: relationship issues

Fiction or Friction?

Much of what we fight about in relationships is related to experiences we have had in the past. The past is over. Let’s commit to this truth as you read the rest of this blog.

I can count on one hand how many new issues there have been in my life in the past year. When someone or a person I love deeply hurts me, this is often a sign that I need to work out an deeply seated, possibly PTSD-issue. Don’t let this problem steep! Don’t turn away avoidantly! Stare the damn issue in the eye and tell it to get out of your life for good.

This may sound easy, but of course it takes much practice. Here is some advice about looking past the present situation to the underlying cause:

  1. When someone hits one of your nerves, tell the person you love that this is a particularly hard issue for you. That person will try his or her best (maybe after a few bad attempts) to stop pushing your buttons. Most people don’t want to fight.
  2. Take a moment after the angry event to tell yourself the truth about who you are and why you are standing right in this moment today: “I am made in the image of greatness. God never wants me to be upset or angry. Spirit is love and peace. I am made of Spirit: therefore, I, too am love and peace.” Say this until you feel it or until you calm down a bit.
  3. When you are not boiling angry, confront the situation for yourself, first. Remember when the exact time occurred in your life that you felt the way you do now. Who caused that situation for you? Who else may have been involved in changing your disposition from peace to negativity?
  4. After you have discovered what makes you angry, gently confront the person who pressed your possible PTSD button. Most people will want to work out what has been troubling your relationship for a long time. Someone who truly loves you, doesn’t want to hurt you over and over again.
  5. This is the important key: If you find that the person who pressed the button rejects your desire to work it out, try apologizing for exacting all of your anger at him or her, sharing that he or she is not the culprit for “all” of your anger. And then, tell that person why you feel this or how you came to this epiphany.

If you do all of the above and you don’t feel better, you definitely need to find some professional help with your relationship. Remember, relationships can be with anyone or anything (even a job), not just a lover or mate. Some people’s worst relationships are with their children.

These kids would love to hear a parent say, “Look, my dad used to treat me this way, and I would get so angry and frustrated with him. I never knew why it seemed he hated me. The truth is, he didn’t hate me. His father treated him just the same as he treated me. I don’t want to continue to do this to you or us anymore. Let’s work together to change this situation! I promise I’ll try harder to explain to you when you are hitting a nerve. But, I also need you to be a little more compassionate to me. I’m trying…”  Something like that.

I have never been in a situation when truth didn’t work. When I say work, I mean that the truth either caused the problem to amplify so that I could see the reality that this person no longer wants to work it out. Or, I was able to see that the person I imputed all of this anger upon was actually someone who loved me dearly and wanted to help me heal from the past.

 

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What or Who Can We Really Believe?

Today was a perfect example of the world looking to the media to help us decide who to believe is telling the truth in the #Comey_hearing (6-8-17). The human race has come to the place that we don’t know who to trust. I trust 5 people in my life. That’s it. Outside of my close circle, I literally trust no one, not the president, the politicians, the police, the teachers, the medical staff who treat me, even some of my family… literally 5 people. That’s it! Why is this so?

Trust comes from honor and transparency. Let’s face it: how many people are you willing to be completely transparent with? Really! I know that even in 99% of marriages, especially the ones I have counseled over the years, there are so many secrets between spouses that I can’t imagine how any trust is there at all.

For this very reason, my husband and I have sought out to be completely transparent, even if it makes us angry, hurt, or anxious. You can get over those temporal emotions. What a relationship can’t get over is a big trust issue.

In Psychology Today Abigail Brenner, M.D., a psychiatrist in private practice, writes that Trust is the first of 7 most important aspects to make a great relationship work. Any relationship: a friendship, a mentor/student relationship, a work relationship, a family relationship, and, of course, a marriage cannot and will not stay healthy without the oxygen of relationship, which is Trust. In my estimation that means full and complete transparency.

  • Your partner wants to look at your recent emails? It’s fine.
  • Your husband wants to review your phone log? Sure, why not. I have nothing to hide.
  • Your boss wants to check your recent expenditures to see if you have been pilfering money from the company! Absolutely. Have at it.

What do you have to hide? That’s the big question. If you start out a relationship open and honest, the biggest trust issue becomes: will you continue to share the hard questions like:

 

  • Did you just check out the hot dude that walked by?
  • You called your ex? What’s up with that?
  • You’re keeping in touch with an old lover?

 

These kinds of questions not only need to be answered, but discussed. “What is causing you to suddenly distrust me? Did I do something recently that seemed suspicious?” A great relationship starts to build tremendous trust when it gets over these initial hard places. I can now say without a shadow of a doubt, I trust my husband more than I have ever trusted anyone in my life. Truly.

In a great relationship, you not only want to be open, but you want to understand the nature of the distrust. Trust me, we all have issues around trust. I have been shat upon so many times in relationship that it’s a wonder I don’t have exterior stains on my skin. However, I do know that the stains are internal, because every once in a while something that someone will say or do causes a trigger or a PTSD moment when I lose my peaceful path and enter into a dark place of fear.

Let’s face it: abandonment is usually the primary fear. Someone in the past left us, hurt us, lied to us—a parent, teacher, pastor, friend…. You name it, I’m sure you have as many people as I have had over the years simply lie right to your face without the blink of an eye.

Usually, though, after you have had a hard look back at a relationship, you can see where you lost trust completely and should have bailed. For instance, in one of my first long-term relationships, I witness my new partner of 6-8 months lying to his mother on the phone. I knew it was a flat-out lie, because I knew the truth. I even questioned my boyfriend about it. Basically, he thought his mother could not have handled the truth.

But who was he to decide what his mother, the one who gave him life, could handle? Trust is almost always the best tact unless, of course, it is at the wrong moment (like at a funeral or after someone lost a game or is sick). Truth must be told, but it can wait.

Back to my original reason for writing this blog: Who can we trust?

I have decided about three years that when I moved from Nashville to Florida, every new person would go through a long vetting process before I allowed them into my life. Do you know how many new good friends I have in Florida—one! That’s right. One.

I also decided that the people I assume were my friends from the past I had to re-evaluate. Did they fit into the place of total trust? What I realized is that most people were in that second category: Trust for the most part. I have no reason not to trust them, but I don’t know them well enough to truly trust.

When you meet trust, you understand why that if you have one or two great, trusted friends in your life, you are fortunate. Be the most honest person you can be, be compassionate about it, and you will always attract the same. Like attracts like.

Go to Bo’s Personal Website

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Deciding on and living by your core values is a tenuous challenge. My many years of spiritual coaching and life coaching can help you with this. I have helped many people in this situation see light and overcome the darkness of the past. For more information and individual pricing or as a guest speaker, give me a call: 954-253-6493.

SKYPE sessions are available. Click here for more information.* * *

 

A Single Session w/Bo Sebastian

What would you feel like if everyday you loved yourself a little more…

What would you be if you loved and gave compassion unconditionally… to yourself first and then to others?

If you could imagine yourself so connected to God Source that everything you thought and every action you completed you trusted could heal yourself and, ultimately the world around you?

Create a Better Life with One Healing Session with Bo Sebastian

Call 954-253-6493
(Sessions CAN BE DONE via PHONE, SKYPE or FACETIME.)

www.bosebastian.com

Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Your New Story, Your New Life” with a pathway to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my Website or on Amazon. Thanks!

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Walking on Eggshells #relationshipadvice #gayrelationships

Have you ever been in a relationship, where you had to be careful about everything you said or did? One wrong word would send your lover or mother into a tailspin or an angry tirade? I believe this type of person may be manipulating you with passive-aggressive behavior. If so, then here are some steps to remedy the situation.

First of all, figure out if the person is, indeed, using your fear of his/her anger to manipulate your behavior. Here are some questions below to ask yourself:

  • Is this person’s behavior bully-like when he/she gets angry?
  • Does this person fly off on bitter tangents at certain word cues or actions you do?
  • Does this person threaten you with his/her own demise or leave (for instance, threaten that he/she will hurt himself if you continue the behavior)?
  • Does this person threaten you with harm?
  • How psychologically stable on a scale of 1-10 is this person, with 10 being very unstable?

If you answered yes to two of the above questions and the person is 6 or above on the psychology table, you have a manipulative person with some psychological issues keeping you walking on eggshells. This person is usually a family member or a partner, using your close relationship to manipulate you into behavior that is palatable to him/her. This needs to be remedied! You deserve to have an opinion without having to be yelled at, argued with, or spurned.

An example of this kind of behavior might be:

You have a husband who has taught you—by behavior modification—that every time you try to resolve the issue of why you are not having regularly sexual relations, by flying off of the handle with anger.

Your husband may be too embarrassed to talk, doesn’t want to deal with his sexual dysfunction, or is having an affair and wants to keep you from the pertinent information that might give you some clues to his misbehavior.

The social, verbal, or physical act that could trigger this kind of Post Traumatic-like stress usually causes the partner or family member to get so angry that he or she (and you) are unable to really resolve anything. Usually, the irrational behavior doesn’t compare to the normal situation or conversation. Also, this person may using your history of bad behavior to keep you from doing anything “bad” again.

In either of these cases, the only way to work on the situation is to get into therapy and resolve your issues, first. Probably stemming from your past parental or relationship issues, your anxiety about being abandoned leads you to tolerate being manipulated by this person. So, ultimately, you have to find help before you can understand the relationship breakdown with this person.

You may indeed be perpetuating the problem. But, you will never know unless you get into therapy or Life Coaching. In my Life Coaching business (check out the advertisement below), many clients come seeking advice about how to handle situations that involve other people’s bad behavior.

Of course there are steps to helping you immediately. But, ultimately, the initial movement forward in helping this kind of situation is to understand the problem with your attraction to it.

No one should be walking on eggshells in any relationship. Don’t let your life be stymied by someone’s psychological problems. You can learn to be stronger than that person. You are made of the essence of Spirit God. You already have the wisdom and guidance to find your way through it and beyond it.

Cookbook CoverAnxious Attachment PictureUncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior Cover

A Cookbook, a Novel, a Self-Help Book, a Yoga DVD! All great gifts from your friend—Bo Sebastian. Simply go to this link at www.Amazon.com or type in my name. Find great gifts for yourself, family members, and friends by supporting another friend in the process! Thank you.

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A Single Session w/Bo Sebastian

What would you feel like if everyday you loved yourself a little more…

What would you be if you loved and gave compassion unconditionally… to yourself first and then to others?

If you could imagine yourself so connected to God Source that everything you thought and every action you completed you trusted could heal yourself and, ultimately the world around you?

Create a Better Life with One Healing Session with Bo Sebastian

Call 954-253-6493 (All Sessions are done via SKYPE or FACETIME.)

www.bosebastian.com

If you are a gay man or woman, you may want to direct your gaze to my newest blog: Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. This blog is an extension of my Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/UncommonGaySpiritualWarrior/) and group meetings about the rare combination of spirituality and “being gay” defines the most important part of us, even in relationship. Join me at: http://uncommongayspiritualwarrior.blogspot.com/. 

Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]

 

 

 

 

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