Tag: Right Relationship

Crazy for You!

What happens when you really think you have a met a person you want to attach to in a secure way?

You have read the book, “Attached.” You recognize all the attributes your date has is secure. You feel a deep mental, spiritual, and physical connection with that person. You feel he/she has the same kind of connection with you. What comes next?

Because relationship is all about communication, I would say, if the person is securely attached, you already know this person wants you to be a part of his/her life. It will be completely apparent.

A few things to look for about secure attachment, if you haven’t read the manual:

The prospective person is:

  1. Communicating feelings easily;
  2. Wants to be close;
  3. Is not rushing into intimacy;
  4. Sees you as a whole person, not just a sexual object;
  5. Is making room for you in his/her life;
  6. Introducing you to people in his/her life; and
  7. Planning to spend time with you on a regular basis.

When all of these things are in place, the next step is to talk about what commitment means to each of you, if you haven’t already. The word commitment can mean casual things to some and solid, monogamous things to others. So, it’s important to be clear at the beginning what these words mean, and how they will play out in relationship.

I would also suggest that you create a dialogue about when intimacy begins what your expectations are. Personally, I don’t like to be intimate with more than one person at a time. So, if I go toward intimacy with someone, I want to know that he is going to be on the same page with that and not going out with others.

This perspective partner and you should talk about getting off of any online dating sites. You might consider creating a schedule of times to see each other. You might talk about what you both want in the future, to make sure that intimacy doesn’t happen with the person who is moving to Asia in a year or doing his doctorate in Africa, if you’re wanting to stay in the United States.

Availability and stability lead to feeling secure attachment. I know that I want to feel that the person I’m with has been tested for STDs, is not carrying some sort of foreign blood-born disease, or isn’t an alien. Knowing all the factual details about a person is important for security sake and to relinquish any deeply-seated fears, especially if you are one who has been abandoned in the past.

As our manual about attachment talks about, “Securely Attached” individuals don’t come your way very often, because they are usually “securely attached.” Duh! So, when you find one and he/she is open to moving forward in a relationship, make every effort to show that person you are on board and ready for the romantic ride of your life.

Then certain parts of this experience must come organically and with time. The rest is up to God, Spirit, the individual needs, and the desire to stay together. A big part of relationship is certainly two people committing to trying to stay together—to working things out as they come up. This is, by definition, communication. Communication is relationship.

If you haven’t guessed, I think I am at that point in my dating experience. I’m way excited and equally prepared to move forward with caution, an open heart, and excitement. Knowing what I want and envisioning it every day is a helpful way to direct your path toward the right and perfect relationship for you.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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An Intimate Landing

An Intimate Landing

I watch as soldiers go off to war and come back to loved ones’ arms. It’s always one of those tearful moments that bring me to an intimate place in my own heart, because we all want to land in the arms of love. Don’t we?

What person doesn’t honestly need someone’s carrying? I think there may be a person out there who has cut himself off from needing anything from anyone. But I don’t imagine the reason is because the instinctual act of needing isn’t present. I believe it is because that individual has been hurt by his or her vulnerability at some point in his pursuit of relationship.

You know the first thing a baby does when it comes from the womb is cry. We are programmed from birth to need. We need comfort, food, the love of a parent, the nurturing of a someone intimate, clothes, warmth, and countless other things as we grow older. Notwithstanding education and safe boundaries, which come very easily when hurt and love are so intermingled in our relationships today.

We can love and think we love unconditionally. But in the next minute, when relationship disrupts our life and our peace, we may rethink love entirely, and call it hate in the next moment. This is what divorce is, isn’t it? You start off thinking that someone is, indeed, the “intimate landing” you have been praying and hoping for, but, instead, they become the burden you can’t seem to shake.

Is this where the nature of love is going today, or will we become stronger individuals with more tolerance for growth in relationships?

I had a great lunch with a dear friend who recently has been divorced and began dating again. Our conversation was centered around the idea that:  As we become older and more mature, perhaps more spiritually aware of who we are and what we need to be at peace, are we becoming less likely to find relationships that will last?

I would have to say in all honesty and regretfully, Yes!

The older I get, the less crap I’m willing to take. It sounds terrible, but true. I see bullshit coming at me from a mile away now. Instead of waiting to shovel it from my doorstep, I’d rather eject thebullshittee before the crap lands anywhere near me. Much less to clean up.

We are becoming a nation of relationship bullshit ejectors. It’s true.

My question to you is: Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Should we live with smelly, crappy relationships because we have committed to them, or should we recognize our capacity to survive said relations and bail when we know we are incapable to endure the pain they will probably bring in the long run?

Listen, after as many relationships as I have been through over the last 35 years, I’m willing to level with you. There has only been one relationship in my life that I wish I would have endured through the pain and hardship. I’m really not even sure why I say this, as I see the man now in his present relationship. He doesn’t look like the ideal partner I’d imagined he would have become with me. Nonetheless, I think about it and regret.

All the other relationship that have passed by me, I have danced with notion of getting back together and let the song I was dancing to end. Ultimately, I see termination somewhere in sight from some discrepancy or vast difference in ideals and beliefs.

All that being said, I still believe in true love. Many of my friends laugh at me, because I have been through so many bad relationships and hurt, yet I still see myself landing in the arms of love. (My mother must have had some strong pheromones or arms.)

What I’m not sure of now, though, is landing in the same arms of love for my entire life. I don’t know if that’s even a possibility. That saddens me.

A lot of the reason I can’t see myself lasting or enduring through to the end with one person is that I have no real strong icons to look up to that have gone the distance lovingly and respectfully. Every once in a while, I’ll meet a couple who I think may pull through and land on their feet in the long run. They gives me hope.

Then I think of the friend who was 20 years into a loving marriage with 3 children and woke up to find her husband was not the man she knew for 20 years. It was as if he had changed over night into some maniac 15 year old with the testosterone levels of one, as well.

You look at this scenario and couple it with your own sorry stories of regret and mistrust and foul play, and suddenly you are no longer looking at that successful couple with the idea that they will last. You begin to pray that nothing serious will break them up, or that death won’t come too soon to either one of them. Because there is ultimately an death to all relationships.

Wow, this is getting heavy and I think it’s because I just watched the second presidential debate between Obama and Gov. Romney. Scary stuff. All of it.

I think I’m going to bed with a teddy bear and a pacifier tonight.

I actually would really like some feedback on this today if you have time to write in the blog.

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