What happens when you really think you have a met a person you want to attach to in a secure way?
You have read the book, “Attached.” You recognize all the attributes your date has is secure. You feel a deep mental, spiritual, and physical connection with that person. You feel he/she has the same kind of connection with you. What comes next?
Because relationship is all about communication, I would say, if the person is securely attached, you already know this person wants you to be a part of his/her life. It will be completely apparent.
A few things to look for about secure attachment, if you haven’t read the manual:
The prospective person is:
- Communicating feelings easily;
- Wants to be close;
- Is not rushing into intimacy;
- Sees you as a whole person, not just a sexual object;
- Is making room for you in his/her life;
- Introducing you to people in his/her life; and
- Planning to spend time with you on a regular basis.
When all of these things are in place, the next step is to talk about what commitment means to each of you, if you haven’t already. The word commitment can mean casual things to some and solid, monogamous things to others. So, it’s important to be clear at the beginning what these words mean, and how they will play out in relationship.
I would also suggest that you create a dialogue about when intimacy begins what your expectations are. Personally, I don’t like to be intimate with more than one person at a time. So, if I go toward intimacy with someone, I want to know that he is going to be on the same page with that and not going out with others.
This perspective partner and you should talk about getting off of any online dating sites. You might consider creating a schedule of times to see each other. You might talk about what you both want in the future, to make sure that intimacy doesn’t happen with the person who is moving to Asia in a year or doing his doctorate in Africa, if you’re wanting to stay in the United States.
Availability and stability lead to feeling secure attachment. I know that I want to feel that the person I’m with has been tested for STDs, is not carrying some sort of foreign blood-born disease, or isn’t an alien. Knowing all the factual details about a person is important for security sake and to relinquish any deeply-seated fears, especially if you are one who has been abandoned in the past.
As our manual about attachment talks about, “Securely Attached” individuals don’t come your way very often, because they are usually “securely attached.” Duh! So, when you find one and he/she is open to moving forward in a relationship, make every effort to show that person you are on board and ready for the romantic ride of your life.
Then certain parts of this experience must come organically and with time. The rest is up to God, Spirit, the individual needs, and the desire to stay together. A big part of relationship is certainly two people committing to trying to stay together—to working things out as they come up. This is, by definition, communication. Communication is relationship.
If you haven’t guessed, I think I am at that point in my dating experience. I’m way excited and equally prepared to move forward with caution, an open heart, and excitement. Knowing what I want and envisioning it every day is a helpful way to direct your path toward the right and perfect relationship for you.
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.
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