Tag: saying what you feel

How Hard Is It to Say, “I Love You?”

I had a married couple come in to see me to work on communication. I asked the woman when she knew her husband was the right person. She replied, “As soon as I met him.” I asked the same question of the husband. His response was, “When I realized that she would be a good mother and wife.” The woman began to tear up immediately, probably, because she realized that her desire to marry her husband had much more to do with passionate love than his. In fact, she told me that to get him to say he loved her, she would always have to say the words first.

My question is: How hard is it to say I love you?

The answer would be hidden in your idea of what love is and the expectations it brings. Many people, especially those who have been brought up in the kinds of churches where the term love was often used in statements such as… “I love you, brother.” Or “I love you in Christ, Sister,” are more apt to believe that love is the state of relationship we are meant to be in with one another as a result of spiritual commitment and belief. Those who are not of a spiritual ilk may take the words more seriously, especially, when they concern intimate relationships. I have noticed in the past, that people who are avoidantly attached have much difficulty in saying the words “I love you,” mostly because it means commitment and attaching to someone securely, which is out of the paradigm of avoidant behavior.

Men and women exist, however, who simply have trouble using the word love in relationships because they are afraid of hurt. If they open their hearts to love, then the unavoidable pain that comes with love will cover their much-protected lives with grief. Let me just get all of you avoidant men and women off the hook. When you say, “I love you,” you can qualify what you mean. You can say, “I love being with you, sharing with you, having intimacy with you, or laughing with you.” You don’t have to say the word and immediately attach it to longevity and marriage. Let’s face it, love is a state of mind for most people. The ones who think that love means marriage, obviously have NOT been in love too many times in their life.

If you’re like me, then you know that you can fall in and out of the “feeling” of love many times in a lifetimes without losing your life or even much energy. Sometimes, love just wanes and you move on. Other times, a painful breakup occurs, and that’s never too fun. But, would you rather that your life be bereft of love and intimacy or open your heart to someone to see if the relationship works out?

Some people think I have been way too vulnerable over the years with relationships. That may be true. But I don’t regret my life or experiencing the different kinds of love that has come my way. I understand now, more than ever, that love simply accompanies commitment. Commitment is the more important of the two feelings. Security comes with a sense of trust and commitment, not with the feeling of love. Some may attribute security and trust with the word love, but most simply rely on the feeling alone. With that being said, let’s say “I love you” more often and retreat from committing too early in relationships that have no basis for security. I love you gives us all a feeling of deep caring and joy, especially those who have been insecurely attached at childhood and are anxious in human relationships. Saying what you feel is a an authentic and wonderful attribute in anyone.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.

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A Hard Thing to Say

Most of us rarely speak what’s truly on our minds. The laws of etiquette and compassion keep us from sharing what may truly be bugging us. Why do we not consider that our own security and comfort is as important as others?

Many psychotherapists believe that there are people who have been brought up in religion and with a social paradigm that teaches that being selfish or taking care of your self is not of God. The act of putting oneself first feels narcissistic, instead of honoring. These types of people who believe this tend to become caregivers as a profession or end up being hard-working parents who will do everything for their families before they ever tend to one of their own physical needs.

Unfortunately, the one physical need that is inherently important to satisfy, because the body won’t function without it is food. So, many people who don’t generally bother with self-care, will finally get hungry. In that moment, he or she will pick the most satisfying treat to fulfill the physical need of hunger and also the gaping hole that exists in his/her heart. I would guess that the food would be something sugary or filled with no nutrition, but have a wonderful and satisfying taste. This, of course, begins a path toward obesity, which won’t change unless something catastrophic happens, like a heart attack or high cholesterol or cancer.

I had a physician friend I dated for a couple years. During that time he would work four, twelve-hour shifts as an ER doctor, then he would also do his four days a week at his walk-in clinic. Of course, his body was wearing away, his health was breaking down, and even his brain wasn’t functioning normally—all as a result of feeling as if he had to fulfill his desire to care give and a need for more financial stability.

What he didn’t stop to think of was that, if he got a heart attack, who would take care of his ailing patients? Who would take care of the bills? He continued to over work, until he ended up having a heart attack. When this happened, he cut down to one job—the day clinic. He also told me that he began to monitor his diet. He decided that vegetarianism was a good plan. He got on a exercise and aerobic regimen. Soon, he was feeling like he had gained ten years of life.

His entire life changed because he took time to take care of himself. However, the bad news is that it took a heart attack for him to wake up! Do we really want to wait that long to change the negative input in our lives? How long will it take you to give up drinking too much, smoking cigarettes, over-indulging in sweets or carbohydrates, and over-committing your time and energy?

All of these things are eating away at the precious time and life you have here on this earth. Do you really want to waste away physicially and not have any moments left for joy and peace?

These are questions that I asked myself a few years ago, when I worked 50-60 hours a week trying to beat the clock about time, money, and relationship. I realized, then, that bliss doesn’t exist on this human plane.

Bliss and fulfillment exists on a plane above joy and pain. We must learn to dwell with the angels in the observer side of our minds to experience true peace. This oneness is not only the path to joy, but it also fulfills every other path you may be seeking: life purpose, relationship, guidance, and general direction.

Having a connection in meditation allows you the power to create and change your human nature in a way you would never expect. One simple moment of quiet a day can change your life forever.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.

And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

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