Listening with both ears, your eyes, and your heart in this world doesn’t seem to be enough when someone is serious about hiding from you what is only his.
We met after a rigorous conversation about everything from lost hope and dreams to Italian weddings, a heritage we both shared. It was as if our paths were meant to converge, meant to entangle, meant to share footprints, at least. He was one of those souls that just kind of clicked—knowing my tale before I said it, because he, perhaps walked along the path with me in some parallel universe. I adore those kinds of meetings and was excited to actually forge a new path forward.
We decided on a nature walk on a beautiful pre-spring day amidst trees thirsty for strength to flower and blossom. Mallard ducks and turtles covered the lake as the swift wind pushed us forward on a cedar-mulched path of instant discovery.
He wasn’t a person I’d imagine myself curled up around on the couch. He was the dear brother-type, the pal who you tell your secrets to. So secrets we told. One revelation followed the next. Questions from both of us were bold and unrestrained. Answers were just as deft, no details left for discovery.
By the time the hour-long walk was finished I felt like I knew him even almost completely. Then I asked this question, something that I had failed to ask before, but lingered in my mind: So, does your ninety-year-old mother know you’re gay?
His answer: “I’m not. Well, at least I’m bi.”
Suddenly, everything I thought I knew about my new friend was askew and plundered with disappearing ink. “So, have you ever been married?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said, nodding.
“Children?” I asked, glaring at him now, as his face disappeared toward the woods.
“Three. All grown up and out of the house.”
He turned back to reengage, his eyes a little teary and red. I knew he wanted to tell me something more. “Are you still married?”
His breath deepened. “Yes.”
“And this wasn’t important to tell me because….?”
“I really just wanted to talk, to find a friend. And you didn’t seem like you were interested in anything serious.”
I said, “Did you read my profile?” (The profile stated clearly that I was only interested in people who were seriously ready for dating and relationships.)
He bowed his head and said, “I’m sorry. I could have lied. But I didn’t.” As if that made amends for the hours of transgression.
The truth was, this man had no chance at getting anywhere past a friendship with me. But the fact that he could spend hours on-line talking to me and then actually meeting me and forgoing the very information that said who he was—who he is—actually astounded me. And I’m not easily thrown.
This experience gave me a mantle of wisdom I have never known before.
A friend recently told me that I trust too easily. He said that the friends he trusted in his life were only people who had been a part of his network of friends for years—not a year, not two years, not months, but many years. He said that trust took a long time. I had trouble believing him, until that moment. Suddenly I was imbued with the understanding that trust takes a lifetime. It involves moment-by-moment revealing and unveiling and translucency with one another that only true intimacy can bring.
This man travels on business and fulfills his gay fantasies on-line. While in town lives a life with his innocent wife and children believing he is someone completely different. The Internet is full of men like this. I wonder how long it will take for each of them to come out from hiding and live an authentic life. I can’t imagine the pain of having to keep something so sacred so concealed.
The path of secrecy is a path of pain to the soul. It says that you don’t trust your heart, you don’t trust the people who love you, and you don’t believe that God made you to be exactly who you are—with every feeling, every intention, every driving force, every love, and every truth.
Be proud to be exactly who God created you to be. Be that person with every bit of energy you have, every moment of every day.
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.
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